Finding My Place At The Intersection of Earth and Sky

Several years ago, I took a project that required me to show up at someone's office every day for several months. It's the kind of situation that I do my best to avoid because it pulls me out of my office and vacates the center of my world. I took the contract because I felt it was the answer to my current situation, against my reservations, and I focused on the aspects that were beneficial to me. During that time, while I was feeling displaced and my daily living pattern was disrupted, I found myself fantasizing about changing careers. I started researching landscape architecture, and started imagining what it would be like to go back to school, to learn that body of knowledge, and to do that kind of work with clients. It was invigorating.

I started to look at the world around me in a different way. My inner gardner suddenly woke up about the time I turned 30, and while apartment living in Phoenix had kept me from really having the garden I wanted, I always had a patio filled with potted plants. Now, my imagination was turned on my condo's backyard, where I started to dream what could be created. My perspective on the garden, my garden eyes, continued to evolve as I started to really examine how the sun crossed the sky above my yard, identifying the path of the shadows through the day and the pattern of shadow and light through the year. This was information I would need to select the best plants for each location, and to build the most effective garden in my little space.

This week, I find myself again facing issues related to changes in my working life because of an offer I've received. I'm struggling with several aspects of it because even though it would allow me to remain in my home office (most of the time) it shifts my attention to efforts going on in another part of the country. The job would also involve travel, which would disrupt the peaceful running of my home and business for short bursts of time. I've thought through the impace of leaving the weather of Phoenix, dealing with rain and snow and cold randomly as I visit other parts of the country. I'm struggling to see how the center of my world would be impacted if I decide to accept this opportunity.

And today, I discoverd the work of Robert Adzema, an artist who is known for his garden sundials. I have learned to watch the path of the moon across the sky, and I've started to understand the path of the sun through my garden. Adzema has mastered this knowlege, and from him, I have learned how the path of the sun and the construction of a sundial changes based on the exact location and orientation of the garden. I'm starting to understand the sundial as an interpretation of a specific point in relationship to the sky, and to understand that I can use the sundial as a metaphor for finding my own place in the universe.

• The sundial is a physical device that takes advantage of the nuances of light that already exist in that space.
  Like the sundial, I want to feel my connection to the universe around me.
  
• The sundial reflects the shape and orientation of the earth.
  Like the sundial, I am a product of my environment, and within me, I can find the essence of human experience.
  
• The gnomon, the sundial's arm, must be pointed towards the North Star (in the northern hemisphere).
  Like the sundial, my spiritual practices keep me pointing towards my own true north.
  
• The length and angle of the gnomon must be adjusted for the latitude of the location. Without this adjustment, the sundial will work (cast a shadow) but will not accurately read the time.
  Like the sundial, I have to stay aware of my larger environment and respond accordingly.
  
• By paying attention to the sun and it's path, a person can be oriented more accurately than a compas (which has to be adjusted to the difference between true north and magnetic north).
  Like the sundial, as I learn about my place in the universe, I can find my center without any external aids or support. I don't need other people to find my own center.
  
• A sundial that works in one location will not work in another location without adjustments.
  Like the sundial, I can adjust myself so that I remain true no matter where I go.

Now, I can start to understand my life as a sundial, a specific person located at the intersection of the earth and sky.

Another Letter To A Friend

I seem to be telling my friends what is going on more than I'm writing about it here. Another entry in my cut and paste online journal, courtesy of a friend.
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Question: What The Hell Am I Doing?
Answer: I don't know

I'm swamped with work, I've got client projects lined up long enough that I've got to work through the holiday weekend, and I'm so tired I had to take a nap today. That is, after I had the local phone company here for three hours this morning trying to figure out the hum and static on my phone line. The good news, skip that, there isn't any. They have to dig up the buried phone lines for three condo buildings because they discovered that my line is just one of 9 that has the same problem. They have to lay new lines. They said it can be 30 days before it is done. In the meantime, I can use the phone for the Internet, but forget trying to have a conversation, much less INTERVIEW BUSINESSMEN for company profiles, which is what I do for one client. I guess this means I can't work on them for a while, eh?

And today, while napping, I thought: Why don't I just go ahead and accept this job offer and continue to manage the situation from my end like it was a client contract. This after DAYS of kicking and screaming inside (I've got a wild inner child) and refusing to accept the straightjacket of regular employment after 7 years of working for myself. Tonight, I don't know which way I will go, I just hope that no one calls me tomorrow for my answer!

I had hoped to slip out tomorrow afternoon for a lunch time matinee at my neighborhood theatre... with 16 movies showing (well, with all of the screens dedicated to Star Wars, maybe only 6 movies are really showing) I figure that I can find something I will want to see. I hadn't been to a movie in a year, and about a month ago, I started slipping out for Friday matinees. But my client meeting for today was moved to my matinee time. I'm going to try to move the meeting to the morning, and hit the theatre on the way home. I mean, I have PRIORITIES! A girl has to have some fun in her life.

OK, I'm having some fun. I broke down and ordered the first season of Sex and the City from an eBay dealer a couple weeks ago, saving more than $10 over the Amazon price! It came, and I've been slowing working my way through the episodes. I've enjoyed it so much, that I ordered the second season from the same guy in an auction, and saved about $14 over the Amazon price. And yesterday, I totally gave in and ordered the third season from the dealer's website, saving about $10. I've spent just over $60 on these DVDs, and I feel like I've really splurged. I've actually seen episodes that I had missed, and seen the whole episode of some that I had only seen part on the air. I'm sending the first season to my mom to watch, I think she will like the show. It's not something she would sit down and watch when it is broadcast. I just hope she isn't too shocked by the way they handle the sex and nudity. She didn't raise me to be like those girls, but she has loosen up in her wisdom.

So here I am, after having a nap, after working on Trivium, and now writing to you... WHEN I SHOULD BE WORKING! I keep reminding myself that there is no rest for the wicked, or is that the weary? Oh, I in between, I've watched the Harrison Ford biography on A&E (it's STAR WARS week after all!). At least I missed X-Files and Law & Order (oh, yea, because that was during my nap).

I feel like I should jump up and down in my office and scream: SNAP OUT OF IT.

Am I the only one who gets like this?

Letter To A Friend

Tonight I wrote to a friend, things I want to record here.
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Hi

It is always good to hear from you. Sorry to hear about your back! Ouch.

Maybe there is another way to look at your feeling of being in limbo. Recently, I've been challenged to make peace with some ideas that had always bothered me. Maybe figuring out what I want is always one of the great challenges of life. Maybe what I want changes all of the time, and that is a good thing -- a sign of constant growth. Maybe it my definition of "unfinished projects" is based on the wrong criteria -- maybe a project is finished when the juice is gone, or when it changes me enough that I want something else now, and again, maybe that is a good thing. And maybe, just maybe, when I start slowing down my wanting is when I start to get old.

I have an interesting situation in my life tonight. I have a client I've worked for over about 2 years, and in the last few weeks, he has offered me a job. Tonight he called to twist my arm a bit. I love being self employed. I love the freedom I have, and the large amount of time off. In fact, even though I am not making a fortune, I only spend about 70% of the year working, so taking a job at the salary I'm making isn't that good a deal... it just means less time off. (Of course, I don't get to PICK the 30% off, it just happens between jobs.) He has offered me 25% more than I usually make. And he is in Atlanta, and I would be working from Phoenix, and doing some travel, so its' not like I would be back to some 8 to 5 grind. They say they are more interesting in managing results than managing the process, so it sounds like I would have some freedom. On the other side, my big project is winding down, and I don't know what I've got next, although something always shows up when I need it. But this year, I set a financial goal so I could have the extra money to save for a down payment on a duplex to start building my retirement. My theory is that I need to own rental properties so the young people can go to work and pay me when I'm old. I'm on track so far this year.

I never thought I would take another job again -- I'm not against the idea, I just never though one would fit. But with the travel, I may have to send my kitty to live with my parents in Ohio, and I hate the thought of being here without him. I may have to travel every week for a few months, no place exciting, all over the southeast and some into the northeast, and later, it would be Arizona, California and Colorado, so shorter flights and quicker trips and less often. A part of me feels like I'm selling out. I'm working to get in touch with myself, to see if this is just some rebellious stubborn voice, or if it is my heart speaking.

The other challenge is this: I have begun to believe that each of us is more in charge of our own life and events that I had previously believed or wanted to believe. So this means that I could create my ideal situation. I'm not sure what that would be right now (because like all "wants" is it always in motion). So until I get connected with what I want right now, I can't see if this offer is the real deal, or if I should hold out for what I really want.

Sigh.

Of all the people I know, you are squandering your life the least! My god, I never know what country you are headed to next. You have seen more of the world than most people imagine. You've done more different things. You really are always following the leads of your heart. From the outside, you look to me like a person who is really living a life.

Maybe on the inside, you are feeling what I'm feeling. I'm feeling a lack of emotional commitments in my life. I've just had a group of friends (who didn't know each other) pack up and leave town. I've not replaced them. It's really just me and my cat, and my nearly daily chats with my mom. It's pathetic on some level, that my only human conversation many days is with my mom. Nothing against her, it's just chicken shit on my part. In some way, I've got this reclusive side to me that I feel sometimes like I must manage. The depth of these shadows is the source of my greatest strengths and gifts, but when I spend too much time apart, I lose my edge and focus. In some ways, I think the work commitment and travel might be a really good thing for me. I also have a very strong sense that everything is temporary, and so I can consider taking this job, knowing that it's just a fork in the path, and that I can return to this path at any point in the future (changed as I will be). It might be good for me to mix it up a bit, to dwell outside of my comfort zone. Especially since I've been awkward about meeting new people right now, mostly because I'm scared and I tell myself I want to wait until my body has adjusted a bit more. Pathetic excuse, too.

Trivium is the joy of my day. I spend as little as 20 minutes some days, and really stop myself after about an hour each day, even though I read more, I don't update Trivium after that point. I could spend half a day on it. There are lots of news items that I read voraciously, but I won't post there, things about 11 September, wars and rumors of wars. But censorship and intolerance I want to bring into the light. And fun things. And great stories. Thanks for the info about Nash and his son. I was so moved by that film, I don't know if you read my journal about it, but I wept and then wept in the truck in the parking lot. A part of me burst open, the story they told was so touching. And it got mixed in with stories about Russell Crowe, about how politics denied him a second Oscar because an Academy member was quoted as saying the Russell didn't deserve to enter that elite group of 2 Oscar actors, so his struggle and his contribution being denied... I was a mess for the rest of the day. It really stirred things up for me, and gave me a slightly new perspective to view my own life from.

I purchased a metal trellis to put in front of one of my windows, one where the sun shines in brightly during the summer. I'm going to purchase a vine to grow in it tomorrow (I didn't leave the house today, or get dressed, or take a shower). I couldn't sleep Saturday night, so I got out the paint and painted it an ultramarine blue. I love it. While I was doing that, I was listening to a profile on Herbie Hancock on Bravo, I believe. At one point, he said that he believed he could not be at his musical level if it weren't for his buddhism. It struck a chord with me (no pun intended). I have come to feel that there is a way to look at life that lets me see the reality behind the contrasts of the world, to see the results of the contrast without feeling any sort of strife. It's more like walking past a buffett lined with wonderful foods, and looking at the things I don't care for, and not being upset that they are there, and not focusing on them other than to choose to move on to something I do like. To understand that everything in life, even the things I don't like, contribute to someone's life just as what I want contributes to mine. It's a peaceful place, and I find it quite a bit I'm pleased to say. To me, that is the essence of buddhism, that sort of detachment, but I hate that word detachment. I want to want. I want to be caught up in the rapture of what I want. I want to go from one rapture to the next without mourning the loss of the first, or complaining that other options exist, etc. I want that childlike quality of being distracted by the next thing, and the next, and the next and staying in my own joy.

I'm still thinking about the job thing. I'll let you know what I decide.

Take care of yourself.

Painting My Garden Blue

Earlier this week, I took myself shopping at the Town Dump in Cave Creek, which not only claims to be the world's most unique shop, it actually is one of the most unique places I know. I went looking for metal things for the garden, trellis, planters, even a bench. I found several things that I loved, and I brought home a 5 foot tall nd 4 foot wide metal trellis. I'm going to insert it in the ground outside my front window and cover it with a flowering vine to help keep the sun from hitting the non-insulated window. I think it will be fabulous, even though I'm a bit sad about losing the view of the distance. The heat savings will be worth it.

I've been seeing garden shows and magazines lately that have the garden accessories painted this very bright ultra marine blue. So tonight, in my errands, I picked up a quart of it and I've painted the trellis. The guy at Lowe's recommended a primer especially for metal, and I bought it, but then decided not to use it. I think I like the idea of it rusting (more) and some of the paint coming off. I think that would add to the charm of it. The blue color will go nicely with the fabric awnings over the doors and one other window. And I'm thinking about using it on other things I've got in the garden, really making a statement with it. I'm going to install the trellis in the morning and pick up a vine for it in the afternoon, so by Sunday I should have the finished project up and ready for photographs.

I also picked up some taupe paint swatches since I've decided to paint the living room taupe when my project ends. Here is a picture of the fireplace dressed for summer with houseplants, and my inspiration for painting the walls.

The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same
(Or, I Realize How Bad My Rut Really Is)

How long does it take you to stop calling it your *new* computer? I just realized that I no longer talk about my *new* computer, only calling it my computer. I got a LOT of memory, and I'm running at 86% empty, so I don't stop very often to clean out folders. But yesterday, feeling the urge to do some organizing, I went through a couple of folders. Mostly, I wanted to get rid of things that I don't need any more, and move other things to new folders where they really belong. I spent about 45 minutes on this task, and after throwing away a lot of files, I'm still sitting at 86% empty.

One of the things I found, however, stopped me in my tracks. It is a huge to-do list that I made up in May 2001. I remember back then, I was feeling like this huge black cloud was following me around, and I thought that if I made a list of the things I was thinking I should do, it would help me to reduce the black cloud feeling. It was a good theory, but in reality, I didn't get that many things crossed off the list. Well, to be honest, I had nearly 100 things on the list, everything from paying bills, to shipping a box to the UK, to cleaning the truck, to figuring out how to get cable for my upstairs TV, to adding weather stripping to the french doors. To make myself feel better, I didn't delete items when they were done, I moved them over to the second column on the page so I could see how much I had done. Originally, I thought these were things I could do in one week (HA!) but I used the list for a couple of weeks before giving up on it.

Now here is the really weird part. This list is 1 year old, and when I read through it, after all of this time, 80% of the items on the list are still items waiting to be done. I can't believe it. I was able to mark only a few more as finished. I feel like I've learned something very important about myself... that I really don't get around to the things I really don't want to do.

So, feeling optimistic, I updated the list to match my current to-do items this week of this year. And I'm determined that I'm going to get at least half of them knocked off in the next month. Yep, and I'm going to finish my taxes in the same month, also. (I told you I'm an optimist.)

Amazing Dream Breakthrough

My sleep is really off these last few days, and my dreams have been rich. These things always seem to go together.

In the best of the dreams, I was in a body of water, like a swimming pool, but I was being told that this situation was symbolic of my life and interaction. In this water, I was thrashing around a bit. I was told to evaluate my situation, and I realized that I was expending a lot of energy and movement that was wasted -- it wasn't helping me to reach my goals or destination. So with that realization, I said "Let me try again," and I got out of the water. I let myself fall back into the water, but this time, on my back. And I relaxed. I didn't move around very much at all. There was this incredible sense of victory, the realization that I had learned the lesson I was being shown, and I felt proud of myself... proud that I had taken the initiative to try it again, and proud that I had figured out a better strategy.

In a later dream sequence, the one I woke up from, I was a visitor in an office building and I had been without breakfast and it was lunch time. My nephew had gotten me something I could fix to eat, and I was in the breakroom with a raw meat sandwich, standing by the microwave. I walked along the counter while my food was cooking, getting my plate and things ready. Only my lunch was taking way too long. It was only a later when someone else in the room pointed it out -- that I realized someone else had taken my food from the oven in order to fix their own. Mine was now smashed and sitting half cooked, half rancid, in another container along the counter. I was pissed. I could see whose lunch had replaced mine, and I started to punish this person by rubbing bits of my now rancid lunch into her clothes. She and her friends were doing their best to avoid me, and I was sort of chasing them, but I was moving in a sort of slow motion, so I had to be smarter than they were. I was doing things like elbowing them to give them bruises. As I walked through a break room area, there was a man who had only seen part of the action who was talking in a loud voice to his companion that she should avoid me at all costs because I was trouble. I went over to this man, and began bruising him while I was talking to him, telling him that his greatest sins were that he jumped to conclusions and he lacked discretion. While I was telling him that he should have been more quiet about his warnings, which were not true, I was pinching and elbowing him. He didn't respond to my attempts to hurt him.

Sleep Patterns

I seem to be back to my summer sleep pattern, up all night, sleep all morning. I am finding myself fighting against this, but really, as long as I don't miss any client meetings, is this a problem? Especially if I'm up by 11 each day, I will still have plenty of daytime hours to be around for daytime things. And it gives me until about dawn each morning to work. I do love working through the quiet of the night. Maybe this is a good thing, even if it is different from the rest of the world. I have the sense that I'm only fighting against this because of perceptions of other people, that I sleep late. Maybe I should just let go of that.

Feeling Irrationally Insecure

I knew when I started losing weight that I would hit a time of fears, and its happened. In the past, when other people have commented on my weight loss and how I've changed, it has caused a panic inside of me, one that usually results in me stopping the diet and putting back the weight so I feel comfortable again. I promised myself I wasn't going to repeat this process.

I received an invitation to meet someone new, and out of the blue, this panic hit me. I felt scared and unsure of myself. There is no reason for me to feel this way based on who this person is. I have every reason to believe that we would have a fabulous time and get along like a house fire. It's about me feeling visible, exposed. In fact, I'm finding myself wanting to hide a bit. It's like I'm ashamed of my state and I want to wait until I've improved the packaging so people will like me better. While I know that people do make judgements based on appearance, I'm really surprised that I'm feeling so protective of myself like this.

Some of it is that new people won't know what I looked like a few months back, or have any perspective to really see how much progress I've made. I'm feeling like the person who won't share her writing until she feels it is perfect, good enough, and so she continued to labor in the dark, in the private spaces. Maybe some of this seclusion is really good for me at this time, I don't have any way to determine that. All I know is that if I feel scared to be out there, I'm going to just sit with that feeling for a while. Yes, I know it is silly, and I know that I can just force myself to work through it. But just because it is so silly, so irrational, I'm feeling like there is something important here for me to discover. It's not like the other day, when I just wanted to snack snack snack and I just told myself NO. It is different, and I suspect that willpower isn't the best way to negotiate this obstacle. Maybe it wasn't the best way to get through the snacking obstacle, either... I'll think about that, too.

I'm not writing this on my other website, even though it applies there. I'm feeling a bit private about even sharing this information, isn't that strange? Me, the woman who has posted nearly naked pictures of herself that expose her obesity, and now I'm hesitating to share what I think? I know I'm not a coward, so I'm going to look at this as part of the seasoning of this meal, and appreciate the diversity of it. Who know where this strategy will lead me.

Help me to use the best of my skills and abilities to really understand myself, to really nurture my heart and soul as I go through my life. Help me to see where I need support, where I need space, where I need to push. And as always, guide me to finding my own voice when I get confused.

Great Story

I found this great story on KaneBlues tonight. For several weeks, I have been reminded of a spiritual exercise that Sangeet told me about once. She was told that she could not ask anyone for anything for a long period of time, maybe a year. It was to show her that the universe delivers all that we need, and I'm sure, to help her to reduce her habit of doing for herself. While I'm not inclined to try this experiment myself, I do find myself at times thinking of this example, and thinking of the times when I am struggling to allow the universe to unfold before me. So often, I'm out there trying to rush things along, trying to facilitate the outcomes that I want, when really, no action on my part would be the most productive path. I think I hit these hard spots because I fear that what I want won't be given, that I'd better sneak and take what I want if I'm going to get it. I think sometimes that if I would just let things unfold, relationships blossom, people revolve in and out of my life, opportunities come and go, that I'll be unhappy with the results. I do believe that something will arrive for me, I'm just afraid that it would not be what I want. Maybe I'm starting to be ready to let go of some of that crap.

Help me to remember that when I'm still in my mind, body and spirit, I'm open to receive fully what I want. No one is out there editing my wish list. I get to want what I want.

Amazing Dream Experience

I have been working too much and fighting off being sick. Last night, I went to bed at 6 pm and didn't wake up until 8 am. And I felt pretty good today. But right before I woke up, I had a disturbing dream. I was working for a client who was a friend, and I got a phone call from some administrative person at the client telling me that I was to roll off the project in 30 days. I had a meeting with my boss, my friend, later that day, and I asked about it. She told me that it was true, and in fact, she wanted me to leave right now. I was taken aback by this, and started asking questions like "is there a budget problem" etc. After not really answering my first few questions, my boss/friend told me that she wasn't happy with my work, and it was just best if I left right now. I couldn't let that go without asking more questions, and it slowly came out that the boss was upset about questions that I asked during information gathering sessions. It turns out, while I was just asking about the business needs, my friend was taking it personally, like I was implying that they were doing things in a stupid way. I hadn't even thought that, so I didn't know where her ideas were coming from. After a couple of minutes of this, I sat down on the floor and starting to cry... and I said to her... "I get it now... it's not just that you don't want to work with me, you are not my friend any longer." That was a true statement. I sat another minute, and then I got up and left the area. I woke up right after this.

When I have an unpleasant dream, and it doesn't happen very often, I always think that it is a sort of warning that lets me know where my life could be heading if I don't make some different decisions and change things. So, once I was awake, I sat and really got clear of the crappy feeling left by the dream, and focused on how I trust myself and I provide value to my clients, that sort of thing. It didn't take much effort for me to be feeling great about my work life.

Here is where things get weird. About an hour after I got up, I checked my email. About the time I was having this dream, my real life client (who is not a friend) was writing an email to me, questioning my decisions about my current project/deadline. The note was full of weird comments, but as I read through it, I had the impression that most of what he was saying was BS, and one comment towards the end was the "real" comment. All of a sudden, I realized that while I was sleeping I was picking up on what was going on for real in my life. I am used to having strange things happen, but I must admit, this threw me a bit. I've had similar psychic connections with this guy before... I usually know when he is going to miss a meeting he has scheduled with me, I knew one day while I was at lunch that he was erasing the DO NOT ERASE whiteboard that I had filled up during a meeting right before lunch, and I've known consistently 5 minutes before he was going to call, and what problem he wanted to talk about. I am not like this with everyone, but I am with him. But this was too much.

I believe that dreams are always about me and not about other people. I believe that I was sensitive to his thoughts because there is some part of me that isn't satisfied with my relationship with him. Otherwise, he fears and negative thoughts would not have landed on me, they would have kept going into space. I'm not sure what to think about this. I know that this relationship isn't the best one I've had with a client, and his great insecurity is most of the reason. I hate to admit this, but I just don't have the energy to keep boosting his ego each time we meet. I am careful not to step on his toes, and I praise him when I think he makes a good decision, but I don't coddle him -- I can't stand clients who need that. So I've tried to just step back a step or two, and not do that even when I see it is there.

I talked with Beth about the situation this afternoon, and right away, she pointed out to me that all of this is about him and not about me. I agree. I also think that I get sucked into things with other people when I see how needy they are... it takes real strength to not coddle or step in, and I'm pleased with the progress I've made in that direction. But what I see today is that I still need to shift myself a bit more. Now, I'm seeing their needs and just chosing not to feed them. I want to get to the place where I'm completely outside of the arena. I don't know how to explain this any better. I know this is vague in words. I want to learn how to step aside and not get hooked into these situations.

Oh, there are so many things I want to learn to do better in my life. Help me to not be discouraged by the amount of changes I want to make. Help me to be patient with myself, and to really enjoy the progress I am making, one step at a time. Help me to sort out the conflicting issues around my working life, and my health, and help me to create a lifestyle and a personal style that facilitates my own being and allows everyone else their own space. Help me to stay steady on my own path, and strengthen my ankles when I hit the rocky parts of the path.