Glimpse In A Mirror

Amazing Dream Experience

I have been working too much and fighting off being sick. Last night, I went to bed at 6 pm and didn't wake up until 8 am. And I felt pretty good today. But right before I woke up, I had a disturbing dream. I was working for a client who was a friend, and I got a phone call from some administrative person at the client telling me that I was to roll off the project in 30 days. I had a meeting with my boss, my friend, later that day, and I asked about it. She told me that it was true, and in fact, she wanted me to leave right now. I was taken aback by this, and started asking questions like "is there a budget problem" etc. After not really answering my first few questions, my boss/friend told me that she wasn't happy with my work, and it was just best if I left right now. I couldn't let that go without asking more questions, and it slowly came out that the boss was upset about questions that I asked during information gathering sessions. It turns out, while I was just asking about the business needs, my friend was taking it personally, like I was implying that they were doing things in a stupid way. I hadn't even thought that, so I didn't know where her ideas were coming from. After a couple of minutes of this, I sat down on the floor and starting to cry... and I said to her... "I get it now... it's not just that you don't want to work with me, you are not my friend any longer." That was a true statement. I sat another minute, and then I got up and left the area. I woke up right after this.

When I have an unpleasant dream, and it doesn't happen very often, I always think that it is a sort of warning that lets me know where my life could be heading if I don't make some different decisions and change things. So, once I was awake, I sat and really got clear of the crappy feeling left by the dream, and focused on how I trust myself and I provide value to my clients, that sort of thing. It didn't take much effort for me to be feeling great about my work life.

Here is where things get weird. About an hour after I got up, I checked my email. About the time I was having this dream, my real life client (who is not a friend) was writing an email to me, questioning my decisions about my current project/deadline. The note was full of weird comments, but as I read through it, I had the impression that most of what he was saying was BS, and one comment towards the end was the "real" comment. All of a sudden, I realized that while I was sleeping I was picking up on what was going on for real in my life. I am used to having strange things happen, but I must admit, this threw me a bit. I've had similar psychic connections with this guy before... I usually know when he is going to miss a meeting he has scheduled with me, I knew one day while I was at lunch that he was erasing the DO NOT ERASE whiteboard that I had filled up during a meeting right before lunch, and I've known consistently 5 minutes before he was going to call, and what problem he wanted to talk about. I am not like this with everyone, but I am with him. But this was too much.

I believe that dreams are always about me and not about other people. I believe that I was sensitive to his thoughts because there is some part of me that isn't satisfied with my relationship with him. Otherwise, he fears and negative thoughts would not have landed on me, they would have kept going into space. I'm not sure what to think about this. I know that this relationship isn't the best one I've had with a client, and his great insecurity is most of the reason. I hate to admit this, but I just don't have the energy to keep boosting his ego each time we meet. I am careful not to step on his toes, and I praise him when I think he makes a good decision, but I don't coddle him -- I can't stand clients who need that. So I've tried to just step back a step or two, and not do that even when I see it is there.

I talked with Beth about the situation this afternoon, and right away, she pointed out to me that all of this is about him and not about me. I agree. I also think that I get sucked into things with other people when I see how needy they are... it takes real strength to not coddle or step in, and I'm pleased with the progress I've made in that direction. But what I see today is that I still need to shift myself a bit more. Now, I'm seeing their needs and just chosing not to feed them. I want to get to the place where I'm completely outside of the arena. I don't know how to explain this any better. I know this is vague in words. I want to learn how to step aside and not get hooked into these situations.

Oh, there are so many things I want to learn to do better in my life. Help me to not be discouraged by the amount of changes I want to make. Help me to be patient with myself, and to really enjoy the progress I am making, one step at a time. Help me to sort out the conflicting issues around my working life, and my health, and help me to create a lifestyle and a personal style that facilitates my own being and allows everyone else their own space. Help me to stay steady on my own path, and strengthen my ankles when I hit the rocky parts of the path.