Glimpse In A Mirror

Letter To A Friend

Tonight I wrote to a friend, things I want to record here.
---------------------------------------------------
Hi

It is always good to hear from you. Sorry to hear about your back! Ouch.

Maybe there is another way to look at your feeling of being in limbo. Recently, I've been challenged to make peace with some ideas that had always bothered me. Maybe figuring out what I want is always one of the great challenges of life. Maybe what I want changes all of the time, and that is a good thing -- a sign of constant growth. Maybe it my definition of "unfinished projects" is based on the wrong criteria -- maybe a project is finished when the juice is gone, or when it changes me enough that I want something else now, and again, maybe that is a good thing. And maybe, just maybe, when I start slowing down my wanting is when I start to get old.

I have an interesting situation in my life tonight. I have a client I've worked for over about 2 years, and in the last few weeks, he has offered me a job. Tonight he called to twist my arm a bit. I love being self employed. I love the freedom I have, and the large amount of time off. In fact, even though I am not making a fortune, I only spend about 70% of the year working, so taking a job at the salary I'm making isn't that good a deal... it just means less time off. (Of course, I don't get to PICK the 30% off, it just happens between jobs.) He has offered me 25% more than I usually make. And he is in Atlanta, and I would be working from Phoenix, and doing some travel, so its' not like I would be back to some 8 to 5 grind. They say they are more interesting in managing results than managing the process, so it sounds like I would have some freedom. On the other side, my big project is winding down, and I don't know what I've got next, although something always shows up when I need it. But this year, I set a financial goal so I could have the extra money to save for a down payment on a duplex to start building my retirement. My theory is that I need to own rental properties so the young people can go to work and pay me when I'm old. I'm on track so far this year.

I never thought I would take another job again -- I'm not against the idea, I just never though one would fit. But with the travel, I may have to send my kitty to live with my parents in Ohio, and I hate the thought of being here without him. I may have to travel every week for a few months, no place exciting, all over the southeast and some into the northeast, and later, it would be Arizona, California and Colorado, so shorter flights and quicker trips and less often. A part of me feels like I'm selling out. I'm working to get in touch with myself, to see if this is just some rebellious stubborn voice, or if it is my heart speaking.

The other challenge is this: I have begun to believe that each of us is more in charge of our own life and events that I had previously believed or wanted to believe. So this means that I could create my ideal situation. I'm not sure what that would be right now (because like all "wants" is it always in motion). So until I get connected with what I want right now, I can't see if this offer is the real deal, or if I should hold out for what I really want.

Sigh.

Of all the people I know, you are squandering your life the least! My god, I never know what country you are headed to next. You have seen more of the world than most people imagine. You've done more different things. You really are always following the leads of your heart. From the outside, you look to me like a person who is really living a life.

Maybe on the inside, you are feeling what I'm feeling. I'm feeling a lack of emotional commitments in my life. I've just had a group of friends (who didn't know each other) pack up and leave town. I've not replaced them. It's really just me and my cat, and my nearly daily chats with my mom. It's pathetic on some level, that my only human conversation many days is with my mom. Nothing against her, it's just chicken shit on my part. In some way, I've got this reclusive side to me that I feel sometimes like I must manage. The depth of these shadows is the source of my greatest strengths and gifts, but when I spend too much time apart, I lose my edge and focus. In some ways, I think the work commitment and travel might be a really good thing for me. I also have a very strong sense that everything is temporary, and so I can consider taking this job, knowing that it's just a fork in the path, and that I can return to this path at any point in the future (changed as I will be). It might be good for me to mix it up a bit, to dwell outside of my comfort zone. Especially since I've been awkward about meeting new people right now, mostly because I'm scared and I tell myself I want to wait until my body has adjusted a bit more. Pathetic excuse, too.

Trivium is the joy of my day. I spend as little as 20 minutes some days, and really stop myself after about an hour each day, even though I read more, I don't update Trivium after that point. I could spend half a day on it. There are lots of news items that I read voraciously, but I won't post there, things about 11 September, wars and rumors of wars. But censorship and intolerance I want to bring into the light. And fun things. And great stories. Thanks for the info about Nash and his son. I was so moved by that film, I don't know if you read my journal about it, but I wept and then wept in the truck in the parking lot. A part of me burst open, the story they told was so touching. And it got mixed in with stories about Russell Crowe, about how politics denied him a second Oscar because an Academy member was quoted as saying the Russell didn't deserve to enter that elite group of 2 Oscar actors, so his struggle and his contribution being denied... I was a mess for the rest of the day. It really stirred things up for me, and gave me a slightly new perspective to view my own life from.

I purchased a metal trellis to put in front of one of my windows, one where the sun shines in brightly during the summer. I'm going to purchase a vine to grow in it tomorrow (I didn't leave the house today, or get dressed, or take a shower). I couldn't sleep Saturday night, so I got out the paint and painted it an ultramarine blue. I love it. While I was doing that, I was listening to a profile on Herbie Hancock on Bravo, I believe. At one point, he said that he believed he could not be at his musical level if it weren't for his buddhism. It struck a chord with me (no pun intended). I have come to feel that there is a way to look at life that lets me see the reality behind the contrasts of the world, to see the results of the contrast without feeling any sort of strife. It's more like walking past a buffett lined with wonderful foods, and looking at the things I don't care for, and not being upset that they are there, and not focusing on them other than to choose to move on to something I do like. To understand that everything in life, even the things I don't like, contribute to someone's life just as what I want contributes to mine. It's a peaceful place, and I find it quite a bit I'm pleased to say. To me, that is the essence of buddhism, that sort of detachment, but I hate that word detachment. I want to want. I want to be caught up in the rapture of what I want. I want to go from one rapture to the next without mourning the loss of the first, or complaining that other options exist, etc. I want that childlike quality of being distracted by the next thing, and the next, and the next and staying in my own joy.

I'm still thinking about the job thing. I'll let you know what I decide.

Take care of yourself.