Glimpse In A Mirror

Feeling Irrationally Insecure

I knew when I started losing weight that I would hit a time of fears, and its happened. In the past, when other people have commented on my weight loss and how I've changed, it has caused a panic inside of me, one that usually results in me stopping the diet and putting back the weight so I feel comfortable again. I promised myself I wasn't going to repeat this process.

I received an invitation to meet someone new, and out of the blue, this panic hit me. I felt scared and unsure of myself. There is no reason for me to feel this way based on who this person is. I have every reason to believe that we would have a fabulous time and get along like a house fire. It's about me feeling visible, exposed. In fact, I'm finding myself wanting to hide a bit. It's like I'm ashamed of my state and I want to wait until I've improved the packaging so people will like me better. While I know that people do make judgements based on appearance, I'm really surprised that I'm feeling so protective of myself like this.

Some of it is that new people won't know what I looked like a few months back, or have any perspective to really see how much progress I've made. I'm feeling like the person who won't share her writing until she feels it is perfect, good enough, and so she continued to labor in the dark, in the private spaces. Maybe some of this seclusion is really good for me at this time, I don't have any way to determine that. All I know is that if I feel scared to be out there, I'm going to just sit with that feeling for a while. Yes, I know it is silly, and I know that I can just force myself to work through it. But just because it is so silly, so irrational, I'm feeling like there is something important here for me to discover. It's not like the other day, when I just wanted to snack snack snack and I just told myself NO. It is different, and I suspect that willpower isn't the best way to negotiate this obstacle. Maybe it wasn't the best way to get through the snacking obstacle, either... I'll think about that, too.

I'm not writing this on my other website, even though it applies there. I'm feeling a bit private about even sharing this information, isn't that strange? Me, the woman who has posted nearly naked pictures of herself that expose her obesity, and now I'm hesitating to share what I think? I know I'm not a coward, so I'm going to look at this as part of the seasoning of this meal, and appreciate the diversity of it. Who know where this strategy will lead me.

Help me to use the best of my skills and abilities to really understand myself, to really nurture my heart and soul as I go through my life. Help me to see where I need support, where I need space, where I need to push. And as always, guide me to finding my own voice when I get confused.