I'm Hungry

Tonight I feel a sort of restlessness that is more than being tired. More than being scattered. Something big is about to break through.

Feeling a desire for inspiration, I return to my art blog, nearly six months abandoned, and begin to selectively check out the work from some of my favorite artists. I find myself falling deeper and deeper into this well.

Then I find myself on the blog of EB, a woman I admire for the quality of her life and the amazing way that shows up in her art. I skim through, wading back through the last six months. At one point, a thought forms: I want to sit at this woman's feet. I want to learn about life from her.

As my mind runs with this idea, and I imagine an email exchange and me packing for a trip, my heart stays steady. It is speaking to me.

Heart: You already have everything you need.

Me: I want more.

Heart: You have access to more. You have access to everything you could ever want.

Me: I see myself in my studio making art.

Heart: You want to begin your new work. To have something useful, something rich and deep, something vitally important to offer, you must constantly be cultivating your own inner life.

Me: I see myself exploring my emotions and my psychology through my art.

Heart: It's time to start your practice in earnest.

Me: Yes, I know.

Heart: That is what you would learn at this woman's feet. She's an imperfect vessel, as we all are. She's a mom, a wife, a friend, a sister, and artist. She has flaws and personality quirks that would distract you if you are looking for someone to inspire you in the wrong way. It's enough that you have encountered her soul through her work.

Me: Her soul speaks to my soul.

Heart: It's calling you to deepen your practice. Do the things you know to do. Give yourself some time each day to explore yourself and your reality. Dig deep. Be brave. Show up. Do the work. You know what to do. And you have everything you need.

Me: I know what I need to do and I have everything I need. It's what I want to do.

Heart: Carve out the space and time to do it. Your heart is hungry for the honey from the rocks of your own life. Nothing else will satisfy you.

Me: I know that. This feeling, this ache... I'm siting with it. I'm feeling where it is in my body. I'm finding my peace with it, thanking it for its gift to me. I want to remember when I feel this again, to greet it like an old friend.

Heart: You are making it harder than it is. Just feel it, breathe through it, and act when you are inspired.

Me: Okay.

I'm Scared

I've been putting up a brave face. But tonight I can't avoid the fact that I'm scared to my bones.

I've been avoiding anything that would cause me to come face to face with the object of my fear. I've sidestepped things, I've procrastinated, I've even denied it was true. None of those strategies helped me to actually stop being so scared, or helped me to find my courage.

Tonight, I faced my fear. I stared it in the eye. I felt my heart flutter and sink. I felt my throat gulp and my mind start to race.

But feeling my fear is not the end of this story.

I feel my fear, and I'm taking a deep breath to calm myself. I feel my fear, and I'm taking a step anyway. I feel my fear, and I'm choosing to remember that I'm powerful at the same time. I feel my fear, and I decide that I can find my way out of this forest. I feel my fear, and I feel my courage begin to rise.

I hear my mind race with negative thoughts, and I calmly remind myself about the truth. It's a "yes, but..." conversation. I can refute the hyperbole of my fears. I can also interject optimism into the space left open by the truth.

The truth is: I've been in tougher spots before, and I've made it through each time. I can repeat my performance once again. I can return to living at the level of my dreams.

See? It wasn't so bad after all.

A New Understanding

I've just had one of those amazing experiences. Something important has shifted and I can't quite explain it. I know for sure it has happened, but it happened on a level where my brain can't quite process it with words. Yet I find myself here, trying to use words, to capture the importance of this moment and this realization.

Suddenly, I see glimpses into my recent history with understanding. Things that haven't quite made sense as they were happening now seem completely reasonable and knowable from this vantage. I understand now that I'm always going to be walking through the fears and insecurities and mistakes of this life because those things are part of being human. And yet I know I am much more than merely human. I identify with the larger part of me, the part that transcends these things. It like I forget that I can't live my life at that level, I must live my life as a human. But I am guided by the wisdom and understanding of the higher level. I have conscious access to that part of myself, what a gift that is.

What understanding I can have in the midst of human level confusion. What wisdom I can employ when making decisions and choosing my path between conflicting opinions. I can tap into the higher perspective, and I can do my best to live from that higher perspective. But I can't maintain it. I live on the bridge between these two worlds. I can live in the higher world for moments of time, and I find myself living in the human world for longer stretches, but in truth, my life is on the bridge.

I haven't understood this in this way before, even if I have used the same words, they now mean something different to me. My soul has had an experience that changes everything, coming outward from the core of me.

Was John my soul mate? It's a very good question. In my imagination, I can adjust the details of our interaction and he becomes a more profound and more intense interaction. Is that true or not? I believe I can change my experience with him so it is true. I can rewrite my history, tell a different story, and it becomes a different history, I become a different person. Perhaps it impacts John in the same way. Perhaps it allows him to become the man he wanted to be at that time, the man he had a vision to be, but in his humanness, he didn't quite manifest with me. If that is the case, it is a gift I give to both of us.

The story we tell is indeed important. It sets us free to be the person we want to be and perhaps it even allows for those who interact with us to be free to choose to be the person they also want to be. Maybe it is never too late to have a happy childhood, as someone once said.

I see the people in my life very differently as well. I see that I need to step back from them all as much as possible. I need to receive whatever they have to give and not ask things of them that they can't give. That's what I have done in the past, whether I meant to or not. Oh, guide me so that I can find my way on that path because I have stumbled so many times. Show me how to be that person, the one who mostly assesses correctly what is fair to ask of others. I'm willing to continue to make mistakes, but please show me how to master this part of myself so I can be more effective when I don't make a mistake.

Show me how to ground this energy and work with it. Show me how this changes me forever. Show me how to live my life as this person I see clearly tonight. Show me because I want to be a deliberate, conscious person. I want to travel a path of intention with intent, and I want to share what I learn with those around me. I want to be effective in working with myself and with others. I want to honor the essence and truth of who I am. I want to honor the path that I walk. I want to live the truth that I know, not just hold it in my head, but live it, breathe it, and let it radiate from every cell of my body with integrity. My soul knows how to be, I want to live in harmony with my own soul. I want to be true to myself.

Thank you for this experience tonight.

Where is My Christmas Spirit?

I'm up at 5 am because I woke up and can't get back to sleep. I'm tired and yawning, but sleep evades me.

So much has happened in 2008, even in the last few weeks, that I seem to have no bandwidth to process it. I'm in a very active part of my journey, where time for real reflection isn't available, or so it seems. That does make sense to me. If I think about a physical journey, there are times in the road where more activity is required, more alertness, and more rest from real exhaustion. I've certainly been exhausted recently. It's been compounding, layer upon layer, so I feel it is normal to be tired. But it isn't, and I hope to turn that around in a few more weeks.

This time pushes me through the sludge in the river bed of my path, and clears it out. It pushes me beyond what I normally allow, breaking my heart and mind, confusing me with it's newness and toughness, and letting me see that I can do more and be more than I previously thought.

For a long time, I've been hard on myself becuase I thought I should manage my work process better so I don't end up in times like this. Sure, it is possible that I need to learn more about managing my life and maintaining my balance, I would not argue against that idea. But I think I've actually over managed my life in some ways. I have this idea that I'm in charge, that I can regulate my life. In fact, I life a pretty orderly life, I've seen shocking evidence of that this year. While mostly I think that is true, there is also another truth. I must also leave spaces in my life for the mysteries of life, room for new things to erupt into my awareness, and allow the shattering of my constructed world so I can experience quantum growth. The growth process isn't always orderly and predictable. It pushes and pulls, it reveals all of our warts, and humiliates us where we have any sense of pride or propriety. I've certainly had plenty of that this year.

So where am I right now? I'm tired, not just in this moment, but overall. This feeling makes me feel like I'm pushing myself too hard, that I'm taking on too much. I don't know if this is a general thing, or specific to right now, but I'm sure I will figure this out. I'm in the midst of a huge learning curve that shows itself in the struggle to find my voice with my new blog. I'm also starting to get clear about the kind of work I really want to do. I want to help people who want to decide the kind of person they want to be. People who want to work with their own assemblage point, set their own tone, however you want to think about it.

I'm here for Christmas, with a suitcase of presents, most of which I made. I enjoyed the process of making them. I'm thrilled to be giving them. But I don't feel any Christmas spirit, and it is Christmas Eve.

What I Should Do

• I should be working.
• I should be happy that I have client work.
• I should be able to shake off this feeling of being out of touch, of being crusty.
• I should be happy all of the time.
• I should be productive all of the time.
• I should sleep at night when I go to bed and not just right before I have to wake up.
• I should be able to figure out the things that bug me.
• I should be further long in my ___________________ (career and life come to mind first).
• I should be able to figure out who is my real friend without getting burnt by a fake one in the process.
• I should have already lost the 30 pounds I want to lose.
  
• I should have more time to do what I want to do.
• I should be able to protect myself from the slings and arrows of idiots and people I don't really trust or like.
• I should be in charge all of the time (of myself).
• I should be able to choose who I like instead of being surprised by my own heart.
• I should have my life better organized.
• I should be on top of the things I'm trying to do.
• I should have already organized my contact list.
• I should have my bookkeeping up to date.
• I should like to do the things I need to do.
• I should have found better friends, and more of them.
• I should have run harder after the things I ignored.
• I should have known what was going to be important to me in this phase of my life sooner.
• I should not make silly mistakes or forget things.
• I should be allowed to cry any time I feel like crying.
• I should be able to snap myself out of this glumness.
• I should have thought to make this list sooner in my life.
• I should let myself get this crap out of me so I can move past it.
• I should let myself cry now.
• I should forgive myself for not being perfect.
• I should be grateful for everything good in my life instead of bitching about the small inconveniences.
• I should appreciate that I can take this time to vent, and that I have a safe place to do it.
• I should stop being so hard on myself.
• I should realize that being honest is the best thing I can do in any moment.
• I should stop trying to manage the parts of me that are wild.
• I should take a break, maybe even a nap.
• I should be amazed at the movement in my heart from this simple exercise.
• I should take a deep breath.
• I should call someone who cares about me.
• I should appreciate that I am alive and that I can feel anything, even crap.
• I should appreciate the people around me who do care about me.
• I should appreciate the impact I do have on people and be grateful I can help someone.
• I should take another deep breath.
• I should stop now.
  

What Do I Want Now?

I dreamt tonight that I encountered Philip and he did something to me. We were in approximately the same area, we noticed each other, and he seemed to be quite willing to talk. As time wen on, I ended up talking to him face-to-face. He was talking me through something, not exactly on the physical level. I was explaining to him that I didn't start talking to him so he would work with me. At that time, I noticed a flare of bright white light in his right eye and my left eye responded by opening up wider. The energy built up in his eye for just a second, and then he released a huge ball of white light energy into my left eye. I reeled a bit from accepting it, but I did accept it and it integrated with my being. I was still saying that I didn't expect him to work with me when it all happened again, except this time I was paying more attention and noticed more about the light. It was blueish white light. It looked like a fireball. It went directly from his right eye into my left and was absorbed into my energy field before it entered my physical eye, but it happened so fast that I didn't notice this distinction the first time.

I woke up soon after. I know that this really happened. In fact, I' considered contacting Philip in real life to ask him about it. But my sense was that he would say I already knew what happened. Isn't ti strange to have him appear in my life now, at this time when I'm considering so many options for my life?

In the dream, before he started to work with me, I was telling him a little bit about the options I was considering, that they were huge, life course changing events. And he kept repeating something like "well, isn't that odd/unexpected" as if to say, "Of course you are, look at what is hitting your chart."

All of this has left me wondering what is in my chart. But as soon as I had that thought, I suddenly questioned his motives and wondered if he appeared in my dream to get me to buy a reading. Isn't that strange? Don't I have better protection than that?

Now I am wondering.

I feel like my thoughts about this possible life change are very important. But what matters most, I'm starting to think, is the positive power I put into my next big vision for my life. I've had a smallish vision for myself. I wanted to keep myself employed, and I have done that. I could have had much greater success if I had asked for it. Now, I want it. I don't have to make a huge life change to just bring in more success to the life I already have. But this is the perfect time for me to consider what I want to do next, and to dream a different dream in every way that I want something different. But I can just dream a larger vision of the same dream with a few changes.

what do I want now?

"You Need to Deal With This"

I woke up this morning and the first thought on my mind was: You need to deal with this. I had dreamt about my situation with TW and the situation is what I need to deal with. I know this. I just don't know what to do.

In the middle of the night, I went for a long drive to think about some things. I asked that the wind blowing through the truck would wash away the clouds and confusion so I could see things clearly. It was an insightful drive. One of the things I pondered was my situation with TW. I have no idea how to fix what is broken inside me to really resolve the whole thing. The only thing I know to do is to deal with symptoms in the meantime. I can do that. I can remember what I want my behavior to look like and remind myself to follow that. But my heart and mind are a different matter. I find myself wanting to be pulled into that world, wishing it we already so. It's like an addiction. The only thing I know to do is to stay in my center and be calm when I feel its pull on me. I can't stop wanting that, but I can stop acting on it.

Other things that came up tonight were quite interesting. I'm considering submitting a proposal to speak at a conference next spring. I've never considered doing that before. It suddenly gave new importance to a couple of the activities on my schedule at the end of October. They could almost be seen as practice events.

I changed my avatar on several social media websites tonight.

I am feeling a bit of pressure about current events because I'm starting to think that they are critical for the future. They may be important, but nothing is critical and there is no reason to feel any pressure. I do appreciate realizing that the time now is important. But I don't need to worry that I might mess up things or that I could blow the future. Yes, there could be consequences for decisions I make now, but if not that future, another comparable future. I need to really chill with this.

Dream Window to My Soul

My dreams have been quite rich lately, but last night was especially vivid and full of images.

I was visiting my mom at the house where I grew up, only it was different from my real home. Mom was working in the yard, working to manage the land. She landscapes and manages it, maybe I should say manicures it, into submission. There was a side of the house with almost an alley that I had never been down. I walked down it and realized that it opened up to a large field, and that were was a series of these large fields that turned corners and traveled a path between open farm land. I wasn't traveling between crop fields, but open spaces of land with grass, like a plain, and trees, and along the edges of thickets.

I set out to walk to the end of the property, and it was several miles away. There were some farm houses, and from my perspective, they seems to be landlocked, but they had long, winding driveways. I never encountered a road, only this open space land and some trees. I was walking mostly on grass the entire way. When I reached the end, the land came up between two homes, and a woman came out of one home. I watched a mother and daughter walk up to the other home, and knew they maintained a garden on that land. The woman asked me who I was because she knew everyone who belonged on the land and she didn't know me. She said the people who belonged there were so close that they participated together in a blood drive. I told her my relationship to my mom, and immediately I was accepted.

She joined me and started talking to me about the land and about mom. Later, we were joined by another woman from one of the farmhouses I had passed. She also knew mom and told me that she was having financial troubles and I was to keep that information to myself. She was trying to sell some land to turn her situation around. She told me there was something I should see. We walked just off mom's land to a sort of thicket of sycamore trees. They were so tall I had to lay on the ground to take in the height of them! They were about 300 feet high! The second woman had worked to get this piece of land a special designation to preserve those trees for future generations.

The whole time I was walking, I kept thinking that mom will be happy to know how nice the rest of the land is, but that she will overextend herself to control it and manage it so it is as manicured as the rest of her land. I remember that as I was walking out alone, I originally thought that she should fence off her land to protect it, but realized after a while that some of the beauty of the area was from the openness and that fencing it was not only not necessary, but it would diminish the beauty.

The snakes. While I was with mom, I had three separate snake incidents. First, there was a huge snake that turned towards us and I feared we would be bit so I killed it by slicing it with some papers I had in my hand. I picked up the pieces and took the carcass to the trash. Later, there was a garter snake that I saw but was going to ignore until it starting flying through the air and on its second pass, flew right at me. I grabbed it, and pinched it behind the head. I think I decapitated it, or it stranged, because it was dead also. There was a third snake in a pile of dried oak leaves, but I walked in a different direction to avoid it.

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Blogger lost most of this entry. I spent a lot of time interpreting this dream and it is all lost. I'm going to recap what I learned, but the magic of what happened in that time is lost.
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There is a classic Jungian dream where your home is suddenly larger, and it signifies that you have made a leap in your consciousness into a larger world. This is my ancestral home, so I believe it relates to my core, the deepest and oldest part of myself. The fact that it takes place outdoors instead of inside the house indicates that it is part of my instinctual nature. Jung makes a distinction between domestic and wild animals, and I'm drawing the same sort of parallel between indoor spaces and outdoor spaces. The expansion is not part of the person I've learned to be, or that I've been socialized to be. It is within the part of me that came into this world. Could this mean that more of my self is present in my daily life? That would tie in with my latest round of heartbreak and healing, releasing old energy that fit the pattern of disappointment and heart break that allows more of me to be present. I have to believe these things are related.

The fact that the land is cozy, not the desert where I live, means something to me as well. The desert is a great teacher, but she is not a place where you go to refresh and recoup. This land, with the openness and naturalness (not farmed) filled with grass and thickets of trees, this is the kind of land that embraces you and allows you to explore and feel safe. In the desert, you must maintain vigilance at all times.

I walked to the end of the land alone, and then was joined by two other women in my return trip. Women I didn't know. One told me about her financial challenge and her plan to alleviate that. I'm not getting anything about that.

The whole "blood drive" bit is also somewhat confusing. It seems to indicate a blood bond between the people, a family of choice perhaps. The mother and daughter were there to garden, to work the land, to be fruitful. That draws up the image of nurturing and being part of the larger cycle of life.

The large trees could be phallic, but it seems more that they represent the growth of a person. The roots providing the grounding, and the branches showing a reaching towards the heavens and enlightenment. They were extraordinarily tall, and they had just been designated as a trust so they would be saved for future generations.

The snakes are another story. The snakes represent transmutation, and I remember thinking that when they appeared in the dream. Jung also says that snakes represent a conflict between the instinctive nature and inner person. It echoes the outdoor setting for the dream, something about my instincts not being in synch with who I truly am. That is a natural effect of personal growth. The instincts are developed through experience, and they are a bit slower to change because they hang on to past experience. I can't remember ever killing a snake in a dream, or even being attacked by one. I think this image is about fighting my instincts, about not trusting them. There is so much change going on in my life right now that I often observe my instincts and impulsive behavior and hold them before acting. Most times, after a little time passes, the wisdom from within me bubbles to the surface and I realize the folly of the original thought for a course of action. That is being deliberate instead of impulsive.

In summary, I think the images of this dream are talking about the large change taking place in my life. I feel it confirms my own thoughts and awareness that a deep and important change is happening from my core outward. I do see some awkwardness in my daily living and awareness as I try out new behaviors and put myself in new situations. I can't trust my instincts yet, they are tied to old patterns that I'm choosing to change.

Hurting Again

I'm in that space again. After a few days of feeling more solid, I'm feeling vulnerable and exposed and embarrassed. I'm not even sure what I want to write here. I only know that I feel better when I write it out.

I know that something is going on here with my TW friend. I can't seem to contain myself. I want to be known, I want to tell him everything about me. I can't stop myself, the feeling of safety in the moment and the urge to share overwhelm me. I don't think I've done anything horrible. I really don't want to be a burden or become some sort of a pen pal. It has to stop, I can see that. But I don't know what to do.

I do know that this urge I'm feeling is okay. I know that something is going on and I'm going to figure it out over time. I just don't want to explode in someone's life in the meantime. Someone who hasn't really invited me in.

These feelings are so strong when they hit that I feel the waves of it rolling over me. It comes from a very deep place.

I'm really proud that I have the courage to stand and go through this. I'm also proud that I'm strong enough to observe myself. And that even in the midst of all this, I'm being kind to myself. I feel so vulnerable and like it is my fault I've exploded like this, and yet I'm not blaming myself for it. I'm really wrestling with it.

Sobbing Into My Pillow

It's almost 5 am and I still haven't been to sleep. When I went to bed, I found my head was racing with feelings and ideas I want to express, words to make a bridge between me and another person I think has the capacity to understand me. Someone I can pour my heart out, even the parts that are a bit wounded and smarting.

I feel that the reason, or perhaps the benefit, of this imaginary conversation, is to allow me to see parts of my life side by side, parts that I normally don't link together. There is a pattern, and by telling the story tonight into my pillow, I saw it. It touched me. I sobbed.

I know that the important thing is for me to release these feelings and go on with my life. But at the same time, I find myself wondering tonight if perhaps I could be allowed to find a real flesh and blood person I could tell my story to.

When I heard my story tonight, I realized I have more storytelling to do. I feel a bit resistant to this, resistant to feeling the pain and vulnerability of being so real. And yet that is exactly the kind of person I want to be, so my reluctance surprises me.

I'm so tired I am having trouble getting my fingers to type all of the correct letters here and none of the wrong letters. Perhaps I should save the rest of my thoughts for another time.