In the last week, I've discovered a personal tool that really helps me keep myself in balance. I'm calling it "Three for Me" because that is it -- a mantra and a commitment to do three things for myself each day. I started out saying I'd do five things a day, and then stumbled onto this phrase "three for me" and liked the sound of it.
I'm now blocking out my day with iterations of my personal care trifectate. I'm doing "three for me" before I start my work day. I'm taking a "three for me" break in the work day. I'm doing "three for me" before I go to bed. It's turned out to be a wonderfully motivating and fulfilling idea. It's inspiring me to take on small things for myself, and helps me to find a balance between the crashing waves of work before me, and the small joys of daily living. It's like pepper added to a dish that supports the wonderful tastes already there and adds just a hint of something new.
Writing this entry was part of my lunch time "three for me."
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Sunday, September 18, 2005
The Calm in the Center
In the last few days, I've been making great progress. I'm getting my work done with great clarity. I'm bringing order back to my house. I'm taking the time to do the things for myself that I've neglected. It feels good.
Last night, I spent some time working on projects for my house. I live in the desert, in a place where grass lawns are infrequent and seem to me as an overly indulgent use of water. My home is surrounded by two types of crushed stone, a golden toned smaller size in the front, and a larger size in the back. There are five trees and three shrubs on the property. In the front is a Chinese elm, and a queen palm. In the back, I'm blessed with a lemon, orange, and palmelo (grapefruit). The shrubs are a Texas sage, an unknown tall grass, and papyrus. But mostly the yard is crushed stone.
The first project I worked on was really fun. I've got an idea to post some road signs in the yard, the kinds of signs that point in the direction of the destination and give the mileage. I spent some time thinking of my favorite places on Earth and some new places I want to see. I found a great site that gives the distance from one location to another, but found that it couldn't find some of the international locations I was giving it. When I realized that I could put in longitude and latitude instead of the place name, I spent about an hour looking up the remaining places. I now have a list of places to post on my road signs. I think I will put up several of them, each with a theme.
The first would be sacred places on Earth, and would include the following (all distances given from my home in the Phoenix metro area):
Santa Fe, New Mexico, USA - 369 miles (E-NE)
Rapa Nui (Easter Island) - 4162 miles (S)
Cades Cove, Great Smoky Mountain National Park, Tennessee, USA - 1616 miles (E-NE)
Yellow Springs, Ohio, USA - 1606 miles (E-NE)
Port Orford, Oregon, USA - 949 miles (NW)
Mont Saint Michel, Normandy, France - 5348 miles (NE)
Galapagos, Equador - 2388 miles (S)
Hari Mandir, Amritsar, Punjab, India - 7941 miles (N)
Lhasa, Tibet - 7845 miles (N-NW)
Machu Picchu, Peru - 4112 miles (SE)
Babylon, Iraq - 7647 miles (N-NE)
Mt Shasta, California, USA - 773 miles (NW)
Ubud, Bali, Indonesia - 8997 miles (W-NW)
Taktsang, Bhutan - 9343 miles (N-NW)
Sedona, Arizona, USA - 64 miles (NW)
I believe that by placing a road sign for these places in my yard, it connects me to those places. Some of the names you may recognize, but others are sacred places that I've discovered in my own journeys.
The second road sign would contain these places that I've wanted to visit for some time, or places that I want to make a return visit.
Casablanca, Morocco - 5698 miles (NE)
Kathmandu, Nepal - 8078 miles (N-NW)
London, England - 5279 miles (NE)
Gibraltar - 5701 miles (NE)
Red Square, Moscow, Russia - 6037 miles (N-NW)
Sydney, Australia - 7802 miles (W-SW)
Venice, Italy - 5983 miles (NE)
Baltimore, Maryland, USA - 1991 miles (E-NE)
San Clemente, California, USA - 338 miles (W)
Pismo Beach, California, USA - 525 miles (W-NW)
Kingston, Tasmania, Australia - 8480 miles (W-SW)
Kingston, Norfolk Island, Australia - 6781 miles (W-SW)
Kingston-on-Thames, England - 5277 miles (NE)
Kingston, Ohio, USA - 1655 miles (E-NE)
Cape Town, South Africa - 9602 miles (E-SE)
But the second project was even more fun. Except for the three citrus trees, my back yard is a bare canvas, and I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to do back there. When I'm done, it will be lush using xeriscape plants, a bit tropical, and with lots of places I can walk with bare feet. In the center, I'm going to install a labyrinth. I spent time revisiting some of the labyrinth sites, including the Labyrinth Society, reviewing tips for building them, and lists of labyrinths in famous sites. Then, I discovered a labyrinth locator and discovered some close to home that I can explore! I'm so excited about this idea, it has really invigorated my back yard planning. Most of the people I know won't get it, but I'm excited to discover which of my family and friends will get it and enjoy walking it as much as I will.
There is a theme in both of these projects. Walking a labyrinth is a physical expression of walking a spiritual path, and the intention for walking it is to reach your center where you can clearly hear the wisdom from your own heart. The road sign project also puts me into the center, like the hub of a wheel with spokes reaching outward to the energies of places I love or want to visit, some of them sacred sites, others just beautiful places, but all with a genus loci that I want to pull towards me.
Last night, I spent some time working on projects for my house. I live in the desert, in a place where grass lawns are infrequent and seem to me as an overly indulgent use of water. My home is surrounded by two types of crushed stone, a golden toned smaller size in the front, and a larger size in the back. There are five trees and three shrubs on the property. In the front is a Chinese elm, and a queen palm. In the back, I'm blessed with a lemon, orange, and palmelo (grapefruit). The shrubs are a Texas sage, an unknown tall grass, and papyrus. But mostly the yard is crushed stone.
The first project I worked on was really fun. I've got an idea to post some road signs in the yard, the kinds of signs that point in the direction of the destination and give the mileage. I spent some time thinking of my favorite places on Earth and some new places I want to see. I found a great site that gives the distance from one location to another, but found that it couldn't find some of the international locations I was giving it. When I realized that I could put in longitude and latitude instead of the place name, I spent about an hour looking up the remaining places. I now have a list of places to post on my road signs. I think I will put up several of them, each with a theme.
The first would be sacred places on Earth, and would include the following (all distances given from my home in the Phoenix metro area):
Santa Fe, New Mexico, USA - 369 miles (E-NE)
Rapa Nui (Easter Island) - 4162 miles (S)
Cades Cove, Great Smoky Mountain National Park, Tennessee, USA - 1616 miles (E-NE)
Yellow Springs, Ohio, USA - 1606 miles (E-NE)
Port Orford, Oregon, USA - 949 miles (NW)
Mont Saint Michel, Normandy, France - 5348 miles (NE)
Galapagos, Equador - 2388 miles (S)
Hari Mandir, Amritsar, Punjab, India - 7941 miles (N)
Lhasa, Tibet - 7845 miles (N-NW)
Machu Picchu, Peru - 4112 miles (SE)
Babylon, Iraq - 7647 miles (N-NE)
Mt Shasta, California, USA - 773 miles (NW)
Ubud, Bali, Indonesia - 8997 miles (W-NW)
Taktsang, Bhutan - 9343 miles (N-NW)
Sedona, Arizona, USA - 64 miles (NW)
I believe that by placing a road sign for these places in my yard, it connects me to those places. Some of the names you may recognize, but others are sacred places that I've discovered in my own journeys.
The second road sign would contain these places that I've wanted to visit for some time, or places that I want to make a return visit.
Casablanca, Morocco - 5698 miles (NE)
Kathmandu, Nepal - 8078 miles (N-NW)
London, England - 5279 miles (NE)
Gibraltar - 5701 miles (NE)
Red Square, Moscow, Russia - 6037 miles (N-NW)
Sydney, Australia - 7802 miles (W-SW)
Venice, Italy - 5983 miles (NE)
Baltimore, Maryland, USA - 1991 miles (E-NE)
San Clemente, California, USA - 338 miles (W)
Pismo Beach, California, USA - 525 miles (W-NW)
Kingston, Tasmania, Australia - 8480 miles (W-SW)
Kingston, Norfolk Island, Australia - 6781 miles (W-SW)
Kingston-on-Thames, England - 5277 miles (NE)
Kingston, Ohio, USA - 1655 miles (E-NE)
Cape Town, South Africa - 9602 miles (E-SE)
But the second project was even more fun. Except for the three citrus trees, my back yard is a bare canvas, and I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to do back there. When I'm done, it will be lush using xeriscape plants, a bit tropical, and with lots of places I can walk with bare feet. In the center, I'm going to install a labyrinth. I spent time revisiting some of the labyrinth sites, including the Labyrinth Society, reviewing tips for building them, and lists of labyrinths in famous sites. Then, I discovered a labyrinth locator and discovered some close to home that I can explore! I'm so excited about this idea, it has really invigorated my back yard planning. Most of the people I know won't get it, but I'm excited to discover which of my family and friends will get it and enjoy walking it as much as I will.
There is a theme in both of these projects. Walking a labyrinth is a physical expression of walking a spiritual path, and the intention for walking it is to reach your center where you can clearly hear the wisdom from your own heart. The road sign project also puts me into the center, like the hub of a wheel with spokes reaching outward to the energies of places I love or want to visit, some of them sacred sites, others just beautiful places, but all with a genus loci that I want to pull towards me.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Keeping the Grandness of My Life
For the last few days, no weeks, I've been floundering. I knew working too much would have the effect of a salad spinner in my life, tossing aside everything that wasn't central to my focus. But those things were not fluff, some of them were very important. Since finishing the project, I've struggled a bit at first to just rest and then to pull myself back together. I've rested, and I've continued to flounder.
But last night, I had a moment of clarity. I was watching a TV show I had recorded from the weekend, something pretty mindless that I enjoy. I'm not really sure what setup the environment for my refection and moment of clarity, but it happened anyway. In that moment, I just understood what is going on in my life, it was like a flash of light, not like a revelation that unfolds. I just knew. And my reaction was just as solid. I paused the TV to talk out loud to myself, to state my intention and have my own voice carry the vibration I had just set in my soul.
In that moment, part of what I realized was that I'm not at this time doing my best. There are things I know to do that I'm not doing. And so I chose to do them. I promised myself to resolve the niggling undone things in my environment. I've started a list of them, and I must work on them every day before I start any work. It's important to pull my life back, to reweave the threads that are coming undone on the edges. I can't control the events in my life, but I can continue to choose to focus on my own priorities and set my course of action along that route. Plenty of things can happen that cause me to adjust my course, but my primary intention is to set my own vibration, my own priorities, and my own life course. This I can do. I can lead myself through my life instead of just reacting to the things around me.
I had an epiphany when I was in my middle 20s. I was riding in a car with a friend, driving through a run down section of Dayton, Ohio, a section that was packed with Victorian style homes that at one time must have been grand. But in my life, they were run down, surrounded by poverty, and unkempt. I saw an older man sitting on the porch, and I wondered if he had lived there since the grand times, and if he just stayed in place while things unraveled around him until he was too old, too set in his ways, too sick, too poor, to move away now. My lesson was that I don't know what may happen to me in my life, but if I end up stranded in a dump of a life that only shows a few signs of the grandness that was before, I didn't want it to be because I had made a pattern of bad choices that led me there.
Last night, I reaffirmed my commitment to living my life as a pattern of the best choices I can make in each moment. It will take a while to clear out the clutter, to lose some weight, and to take care of the ignored issues in my life. It will feel great when I suddenly realize that the messy things are resolved. But it feels just as great to know that in this moment I'm on a journey that I've chosen to take, and that I'm setting my own course for the best life I can create from this spot.
But last night, I had a moment of clarity. I was watching a TV show I had recorded from the weekend, something pretty mindless that I enjoy. I'm not really sure what setup the environment for my refection and moment of clarity, but it happened anyway. In that moment, I just understood what is going on in my life, it was like a flash of light, not like a revelation that unfolds. I just knew. And my reaction was just as solid. I paused the TV to talk out loud to myself, to state my intention and have my own voice carry the vibration I had just set in my soul.
In that moment, part of what I realized was that I'm not at this time doing my best. There are things I know to do that I'm not doing. And so I chose to do them. I promised myself to resolve the niggling undone things in my environment. I've started a list of them, and I must work on them every day before I start any work. It's important to pull my life back, to reweave the threads that are coming undone on the edges. I can't control the events in my life, but I can continue to choose to focus on my own priorities and set my course of action along that route. Plenty of things can happen that cause me to adjust my course, but my primary intention is to set my own vibration, my own priorities, and my own life course. This I can do. I can lead myself through my life instead of just reacting to the things around me.
I had an epiphany when I was in my middle 20s. I was riding in a car with a friend, driving through a run down section of Dayton, Ohio, a section that was packed with Victorian style homes that at one time must have been grand. But in my life, they were run down, surrounded by poverty, and unkempt. I saw an older man sitting on the porch, and I wondered if he had lived there since the grand times, and if he just stayed in place while things unraveled around him until he was too old, too set in his ways, too sick, too poor, to move away now. My lesson was that I don't know what may happen to me in my life, but if I end up stranded in a dump of a life that only shows a few signs of the grandness that was before, I didn't want it to be because I had made a pattern of bad choices that led me there.
Last night, I reaffirmed my commitment to living my life as a pattern of the best choices I can make in each moment. It will take a while to clear out the clutter, to lose some weight, and to take care of the ignored issues in my life. It will feel great when I suddenly realize that the messy things are resolved. But it feels just as great to know that in this moment I'm on a journey that I've chosen to take, and that I'm setting my own course for the best life I can create from this spot.
Friday, September 09, 2005
False Sense of Security
There's a lot of angry talk about who is responsible for not preventing the disaster in New Orleans, and why more wasn't done sooner. I really don't want to jump into that battle. But I ran across an article today that shows that the threat was well known, even though I had never heard of it before last week. This article was from almost a year ago, and yet it tells the story of last week's disaster with uncanny reality.
I suspect that the local/state government in this area had grown so used to tricking the environment that they had a false sense of security. One lesson I have taken away from this disaster is that I don't want to do what everyone else does just because they feel safe. I live in the desert, which has its own environmental concerns, but poses no weather-related threat like living below sea-level. But I've examined many areas of my life in these last few days, looking for places where I might be blindly following the crowd down a path that leads to the top of a cliff. I'm asking myself: what risks truly exist, even if they have been talked down, in the areas of my health, fiscal management, work, etc. What if the assumptions I've made are wrong, what if something else quite different happens? How would it impact me? How can I minimize my exposure to these risks? How can I be smarter than I am right now in my own life?
I encourage you to think about your own life. While you are working through your own thoughts and feelings around this disaster and taking whatever action you can to support those suddenly in need, think about what false sense of security might be hiding a true risk in your own life, and plan a course of action to protect yourself. The wisest thing we can do is learn from the mistakes of others.
I suspect that the local/state government in this area had grown so used to tricking the environment that they had a false sense of security. One lesson I have taken away from this disaster is that I don't want to do what everyone else does just because they feel safe. I live in the desert, which has its own environmental concerns, but poses no weather-related threat like living below sea-level. But I've examined many areas of my life in these last few days, looking for places where I might be blindly following the crowd down a path that leads to the top of a cliff. I'm asking myself: what risks truly exist, even if they have been talked down, in the areas of my health, fiscal management, work, etc. What if the assumptions I've made are wrong, what if something else quite different happens? How would it impact me? How can I minimize my exposure to these risks? How can I be smarter than I am right now in my own life?
I encourage you to think about your own life. While you are working through your own thoughts and feelings around this disaster and taking whatever action you can to support those suddenly in need, think about what false sense of security might be hiding a true risk in your own life, and plan a course of action to protect yourself. The wisest thing we can do is learn from the mistakes of others.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Decompression
I always forget how long it takes to decompress after an intense assignment. I've just spent most of the last 5 days doing almost nothing. I've picked up very little after myself during this time, making a mess of the house. I had such plans for things to accomplish, projects to complete, reading to do... and none of it was done. In fact, during much of this time, I physically felt out of sorts, not sick but certainly not energized. My sleep cycle is off, I've been napping during the days, unable to sleep through the night, and I'm wide awake at nearly my wake-up time and I haven't slept yet tonight.
On Thursday, I kept struggling to figure out what to do with myself. I had so much work rattling around in my head that I kept finding myself working at the computer. I made notes of what I need to do on Tuesday, and the notes take up 3 typed pages. I couldn't pull my head out of the whirl of ideas related to the project. I got over that by Friday. But now, I'm facing a return to work in a few hours and I've got distractions everywhere in the house in the form of unfinished chores and projects I want to do. Even the laundry needs attention. The only real accomplishment during this time was that trip to the grocery so I have enough food stuffs around to have decent meals for a few more days.
I had hoped that if I came in here with the intention to write that something miraculous would happen, that I'd discover some incredible insight into my recent experience or write something that felt important about my journey. I don't feel any of that has happened. This is a mundane reporting of my situation and the cycle of my work experience. Perhaps all I had hoped was that I would break through the veneer of disconnection I'm feeling to connect with something of substance that I know is within me but seems to be out of reach right now. What do I expect? I allowed my life to be out of balance for two months with an overemphasis on work. I understood why I did this, and why I thought it was important. I don't regret the decision, I guess I'm just a bit surprised at how slowly I'm bouncing back. I guess I expected something different. But I think the truth is that this is normally what happens.
I am proud that I've made it through this time without making myself sick. I've had a couple of physical symptoms pop up, some new ones at that, and I've figured out how to smooth them out. Considering all, I've kept a pretty healthy balance in my life during this time. I'm eager to start the next phase of my life, which I feel starts just as soon as I snap out of this lethargy. I'm aching to be more active, to be outside more, and to eat really well. It's amazing how I'm longing for good food, fresh produce especially. I'll see how this plays out in the next few weeks.
I'm starting to yawn, always a good sign, so I'm off to the Land of Nod.
On Thursday, I kept struggling to figure out what to do with myself. I had so much work rattling around in my head that I kept finding myself working at the computer. I made notes of what I need to do on Tuesday, and the notes take up 3 typed pages. I couldn't pull my head out of the whirl of ideas related to the project. I got over that by Friday. But now, I'm facing a return to work in a few hours and I've got distractions everywhere in the house in the form of unfinished chores and projects I want to do. Even the laundry needs attention. The only real accomplishment during this time was that trip to the grocery so I have enough food stuffs around to have decent meals for a few more days.
I had hoped that if I came in here with the intention to write that something miraculous would happen, that I'd discover some incredible insight into my recent experience or write something that felt important about my journey. I don't feel any of that has happened. This is a mundane reporting of my situation and the cycle of my work experience. Perhaps all I had hoped was that I would break through the veneer of disconnection I'm feeling to connect with something of substance that I know is within me but seems to be out of reach right now. What do I expect? I allowed my life to be out of balance for two months with an overemphasis on work. I understood why I did this, and why I thought it was important. I don't regret the decision, I guess I'm just a bit surprised at how slowly I'm bouncing back. I guess I expected something different. But I think the truth is that this is normally what happens.
I am proud that I've made it through this time without making myself sick. I've had a couple of physical symptoms pop up, some new ones at that, and I've figured out how to smooth them out. Considering all, I've kept a pretty healthy balance in my life during this time. I'm eager to start the next phase of my life, which I feel starts just as soon as I snap out of this lethargy. I'm aching to be more active, to be outside more, and to eat really well. It's amazing how I'm longing for good food, fresh produce especially. I'll see how this plays out in the next few weeks.
I'm starting to yawn, always a good sign, so I'm off to the Land of Nod.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Visiting Familiar Ground
It's been more than a year since I've written any journal entry, which is a long vacation for my life. And even then, the journal I was keeping was about Dad's illness, and not strictly a place for me to express my own life. But during Dad's illness, I was consumed with it and with tell his story--expressing the experiences of our family--was the biggest thing going on in my own life.
I've been thinking about returning to this blog for a while now. I have a need for expression that I think this will give me, something I've been missing. It seems strange to me to review my last posts, and to realize that back then I made a short comeback, only to disappear again for a long period of time. Will history repeat itself? That is certainly possible. I guess I will have to discover that answer as time unfolds.
I really want to start a new blog more than I want to resume this one. I have this burning desire to have a place where I can share stories, the stories of my soul, for my own benefit, and also for the benefit of anyone who is in a place to hear them. I found myself wanting to write about an experience I had, and I thought I would share this with some friends, but I realized that my friends are not the correct audience. I say that because other similar things I've written have gotten no response from them. Perhaps they read and were touched, or perhaps they were not touched and just dismissed my story in the same way that I dismiss the email jokes I receive from people. Those jokes just don't touch me. I don't mind that people send them, I just don't bring them into my life.
The journaling path is a path of writing for ones self. That is what this blog is about for me, it's a place where I can write what is on my heart because it is on my heart, and I can send it off, much like a leaf I set on the surface of a lake. I release it to the universe, and am changed because I have done this.
This other blog I've setup today is a bit different. It's stories that I need to write for myself, and I need to archive for myself, but they are stories I want to share with the collective, with anyone who is drawn to them and wants to read them. I believe that people stumble on what they are looking for. Perhaps someone out there will stumble on my blog and find some comfort in the ramblings there. I don't write for an audience, but I appreciate knowing when my life touches another person's life. I hope to get the first entries created this week. The title, Beneath Blue Skies, is inspired by the lyrics of the song Diamond Road by Sheryl Crow "...beneath the promise of blue skies..." That song has changed a part of my life in the last few months, and that is one of the stories I have to tell.
In the meantime, I'm announcing to the digital world: I'm back!
It's been more than a year since I've written any journal entry, which is a long vacation for my life. And even then, the journal I was keeping was about Dad's illness, and not strictly a place for me to express my own life. But during Dad's illness, I was consumed with it and with tell his story--expressing the experiences of our family--was the biggest thing going on in my own life.
I've been thinking about returning to this blog for a while now. I have a need for expression that I think this will give me, something I've been missing. It seems strange to me to review my last posts, and to realize that back then I made a short comeback, only to disappear again for a long period of time. Will history repeat itself? That is certainly possible. I guess I will have to discover that answer as time unfolds.
I really want to start a new blog more than I want to resume this one. I have this burning desire to have a place where I can share stories, the stories of my soul, for my own benefit, and also for the benefit of anyone who is in a place to hear them. I found myself wanting to write about an experience I had, and I thought I would share this with some friends, but I realized that my friends are not the correct audience. I say that because other similar things I've written have gotten no response from them. Perhaps they read and were touched, or perhaps they were not touched and just dismissed my story in the same way that I dismiss the email jokes I receive from people. Those jokes just don't touch me. I don't mind that people send them, I just don't bring them into my life.
The journaling path is a path of writing for ones self. That is what this blog is about for me, it's a place where I can write what is on my heart because it is on my heart, and I can send it off, much like a leaf I set on the surface of a lake. I release it to the universe, and am changed because I have done this.
This other blog I've setup today is a bit different. It's stories that I need to write for myself, and I need to archive for myself, but they are stories I want to share with the collective, with anyone who is drawn to them and wants to read them. I believe that people stumble on what they are looking for. Perhaps someone out there will stumble on my blog and find some comfort in the ramblings there. I don't write for an audience, but I appreciate knowing when my life touches another person's life. I hope to get the first entries created this week. The title, Beneath Blue Skies, is inspired by the lyrics of the song Diamond Road by Sheryl Crow "...beneath the promise of blue skies..." That song has changed a part of my life in the last few months, and that is one of the stories I have to tell.
In the meantime, I'm announcing to the digital world: I'm back!
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
I'm Scared
Since Sunday, I've been getting sicker from something that seems eerily similar to my situation 18 months ago. Tonight, I'm feeling light and alert. I'm able to sit in the chair with its soft seat if I lean to one side. For moments, I can actually forget that I'm in pain/discomfort. In those moments I feel myself, fully myself.
I had to cancel my plans for Saturday night. There is no way I can do that now. I'm wondering if I should also cancel Friday night. Perhaps I will tomorrow. I can't see myself getting on a plane next week, either, but that one is a bigger deal to cancel. And if this is something milder than last time, I could possibly make it there.
I've just loaded some program executables onto a CD to load on the laptop. I'm going to work on it on my bed tomorrow. At least I can be working on one of my book ideas, right?
The difference in how I feel now compared to about 6 hours ago is amazing. I feel pretty good, even if it hurts to walk. I'm optimistic. My heart is light. As much as this depends on me, I'm heading for a speedy recovery.
I may have to ask my neighbors for some help tomorrow.
Since Sunday, I've been getting sicker from something that seems eerily similar to my situation 18 months ago. Tonight, I'm feeling light and alert. I'm able to sit in the chair with its soft seat if I lean to one side. For moments, I can actually forget that I'm in pain/discomfort. In those moments I feel myself, fully myself.
I had to cancel my plans for Saturday night. There is no way I can do that now. I'm wondering if I should also cancel Friday night. Perhaps I will tomorrow. I can't see myself getting on a plane next week, either, but that one is a bigger deal to cancel. And if this is something milder than last time, I could possibly make it there.
I've just loaded some program executables onto a CD to load on the laptop. I'm going to work on it on my bed tomorrow. At least I can be working on one of my book ideas, right?
The difference in how I feel now compared to about 6 hours ago is amazing. I feel pretty good, even if it hurts to walk. I'm optimistic. My heart is light. As much as this depends on me, I'm heading for a speedy recovery.
I may have to ask my neighbors for some help tomorrow.
Saturday, December 06, 2003
A Glimpse Around Me
Hello -- I'm back.
After 13 months, I am ready to resume my online journal. During this year, I have adjusted to my life post-surgery, worked through mobility restrictions, and almost lost my father who is still recovering from a stroke. But this doesn't begin to describe who I've become during this last year. Perhaps I should return by trying to collect my thoughts about who I am and where I've been.
Two years ago, I set out to change my life. My goal was to create a healthy lifestyle, and in so many ways, I've really done that. I'm proud of what I've accomplished, and I can see much more that I can do. This year has been interesting because of all of the physical challenges I've been through. I've not lost more weight, but I have stayed just about the same weight the whole year. That is a quite a miracle by itself, and I'm only slightly disappointed that I haven't lost more. I'm optimistic that I'm ready to kick back into a different mode and resume the weight loss I started. I'm only about half way there.
My healthy lifestyle shows up clearly in my work life. I struggled a bit this year with overworking, and now, with underworking. Through it all, I've been observing myself and learning more about myself and my challenges. I'm sitting at a beautiful desk in the office in my new home, and I've created a space that will be truly wonderful for working. I've setup a new desk and work surface that actually supports my health. I'm sitting at my new Aeron chair and I have to walk to reach things on the printer -- encouragement for me to get up frequently throughout the day instead of sitting for long spells. My office is beautiful and practical, and affordable! I'm really proud of what I've accomplished here. I've also gotten more organized that perhaps I've ever been. That feels good, too.
I have adjusted some of my attitudes about work, also. I've living on savings right now, and I can't afford to do that forever, but for now it's the best option I have. I'm not in a panic. I completely trust that I'm doing what is before me, and that significant income will soon arrive at my door. And on my terms. Of course, I've evaluated my terms over and over, and while I'm willing to be flexible, I'm also determined to take care of myself. I can do that in many ways and in many situations. But I'm holding on to my dream of working on my own projects, and I've taken steps towards those projects. Creating income from projects that are dear to my heart, projects that originate from ME, is a big part of what I see ahead of me in the near future.
In the last few months, my mobility issues have improved remarkably. I've resumed my walking routine, walking a mile each outing, and getting out nearly every day. Even with my hectic travel schedule, and the inhospitable weather at my destination, I'm staying relatively active. My legs are working better than they have since before my last entry in this journal. I can't kneel for long, and I can't do deep knee squats (or even come close!), but I can do steps the normal way up and down now. There is no limp in my walk. My knees are tired after a lot of standing and walking, but recover very quickly. I'm returning to my previous level of flexibility. I can stand with my feet shoulder width apart and put my palms on the floor. I used to be able to stand with my feet together and put my palms on the floor behind my heels, and hope to reach that level over the next few months. My overall aerobic condition, my ability to tolerate moderate exercise, has greatly improved over the last year, and with the weight loss, it is better than it has been since I left college 20 years ago.
My father's sudden illness and the resulting stressors in my life caused me much heart and soul searching, and have pushed me in directions I would never have guessed. I think I had been afraid of losing my father, in fact, either of my parents. I suppose there is some security in having them available to me, and their support is priceless. I now know that I will be fine when they are both gone, and I know that they will always be with me, in a slightly different way than they are today. I've experienced that with Dad being so sick, feeling him out there even though he truly hasn't been available to me in the physical realm. I know that I will always be able to stay in contact with them, and that is comforting. I've also come to have a more grounded, I think, view of death. A view that fits more with my beliefs. This whole thing has pushed me to live more in the moment, and to realize the value and importance of expressing kindness to everyone who crosses my path during the day. I wish I was better at this, but I acknowledge that I'm doing pretty well, and I follow my instincts well in this area. I get myself in a twist still from time to time, but I seem to recover pretty quickly.
I've been more generous with my time, love, energy, and money since this all started. I think I've always been generous, but now I seem to be seeing more into the hearts and pains of people, and seem at times to be inspired with words and ideas for them. I know what I've done has made a difference for people, including Dad and my family, and I'm grateful to be useful. My heart's desire is to be kind, and if I fall short of that, I want to cause no harm to the people in my world.
One interesting event this year involved the idea of expanding my business. I've always thought I was in business to keep myself employed, and that is a good goal. But circumstances this year also showed me that power and potential for doing good through an expansion of my business. I now have a vision of how it can be something that is greater than I can do myself, that many people can contribute their skills and abilities and co-create something that has value to the people producing as well as the people who receive the products. I'm truly inspired by that. I thought I had started to create that earlier this year, but it fizzled. I'm sure that experience will inform me in the future so I can create more solid situations.
I'm also driven my another heartfelt desire -- to contribute something to the collective unconscious through my writing, something that raises people's hearts to see the world in a new way, a kinder way, a gentler way. Something that will calm a troubled heart, inspire a gloomy heart, and strengthen a weary heart. Something that resonates. In my mind, I see a body of water without an edge, and watch my words poured into a pitched that releases a single drop onto the clear surface, with ripples expanding to the horizon. That's what I want to accomplish with my life.
The events of the last few years have created a sharper desire in my heart, and have cleared away a lot of the things inside me that were holding me back. I feel a bit like a branch that has been chosen for an arrow. The supporting branches, the ones that are not necessary for an arrow, have been stripped from me. I can see where many of these branches used to be attached, and I have some tenderness yet around some of them. But I do more than endure this procedure, I invite it with enthusiasm and courage, because I know that the pain is temporary, and the result is that I'm closer to being who I want to be. Who I truly am. I'm reminded of the passage "now I see in a mirror darkly..." and know that my vision is true and is manifesting even tonight in my life.
I've missed keeping a journal. It feels good to be back.
Hello -- I'm back.
After 13 months, I am ready to resume my online journal. During this year, I have adjusted to my life post-surgery, worked through mobility restrictions, and almost lost my father who is still recovering from a stroke. But this doesn't begin to describe who I've become during this last year. Perhaps I should return by trying to collect my thoughts about who I am and where I've been.
Two years ago, I set out to change my life. My goal was to create a healthy lifestyle, and in so many ways, I've really done that. I'm proud of what I've accomplished, and I can see much more that I can do. This year has been interesting because of all of the physical challenges I've been through. I've not lost more weight, but I have stayed just about the same weight the whole year. That is a quite a miracle by itself, and I'm only slightly disappointed that I haven't lost more. I'm optimistic that I'm ready to kick back into a different mode and resume the weight loss I started. I'm only about half way there.
My healthy lifestyle shows up clearly in my work life. I struggled a bit this year with overworking, and now, with underworking. Through it all, I've been observing myself and learning more about myself and my challenges. I'm sitting at a beautiful desk in the office in my new home, and I've created a space that will be truly wonderful for working. I've setup a new desk and work surface that actually supports my health. I'm sitting at my new Aeron chair and I have to walk to reach things on the printer -- encouragement for me to get up frequently throughout the day instead of sitting for long spells. My office is beautiful and practical, and affordable! I'm really proud of what I've accomplished here. I've also gotten more organized that perhaps I've ever been. That feels good, too.
I have adjusted some of my attitudes about work, also. I've living on savings right now, and I can't afford to do that forever, but for now it's the best option I have. I'm not in a panic. I completely trust that I'm doing what is before me, and that significant income will soon arrive at my door. And on my terms. Of course, I've evaluated my terms over and over, and while I'm willing to be flexible, I'm also determined to take care of myself. I can do that in many ways and in many situations. But I'm holding on to my dream of working on my own projects, and I've taken steps towards those projects. Creating income from projects that are dear to my heart, projects that originate from ME, is a big part of what I see ahead of me in the near future.
In the last few months, my mobility issues have improved remarkably. I've resumed my walking routine, walking a mile each outing, and getting out nearly every day. Even with my hectic travel schedule, and the inhospitable weather at my destination, I'm staying relatively active. My legs are working better than they have since before my last entry in this journal. I can't kneel for long, and I can't do deep knee squats (or even come close!), but I can do steps the normal way up and down now. There is no limp in my walk. My knees are tired after a lot of standing and walking, but recover very quickly. I'm returning to my previous level of flexibility. I can stand with my feet shoulder width apart and put my palms on the floor. I used to be able to stand with my feet together and put my palms on the floor behind my heels, and hope to reach that level over the next few months. My overall aerobic condition, my ability to tolerate moderate exercise, has greatly improved over the last year, and with the weight loss, it is better than it has been since I left college 20 years ago.
My father's sudden illness and the resulting stressors in my life caused me much heart and soul searching, and have pushed me in directions I would never have guessed. I think I had been afraid of losing my father, in fact, either of my parents. I suppose there is some security in having them available to me, and their support is priceless. I now know that I will be fine when they are both gone, and I know that they will always be with me, in a slightly different way than they are today. I've experienced that with Dad being so sick, feeling him out there even though he truly hasn't been available to me in the physical realm. I know that I will always be able to stay in contact with them, and that is comforting. I've also come to have a more grounded, I think, view of death. A view that fits more with my beliefs. This whole thing has pushed me to live more in the moment, and to realize the value and importance of expressing kindness to everyone who crosses my path during the day. I wish I was better at this, but I acknowledge that I'm doing pretty well, and I follow my instincts well in this area. I get myself in a twist still from time to time, but I seem to recover pretty quickly.
I've been more generous with my time, love, energy, and money since this all started. I think I've always been generous, but now I seem to be seeing more into the hearts and pains of people, and seem at times to be inspired with words and ideas for them. I know what I've done has made a difference for people, including Dad and my family, and I'm grateful to be useful. My heart's desire is to be kind, and if I fall short of that, I want to cause no harm to the people in my world.
One interesting event this year involved the idea of expanding my business. I've always thought I was in business to keep myself employed, and that is a good goal. But circumstances this year also showed me that power and potential for doing good through an expansion of my business. I now have a vision of how it can be something that is greater than I can do myself, that many people can contribute their skills and abilities and co-create something that has value to the people producing as well as the people who receive the products. I'm truly inspired by that. I thought I had started to create that earlier this year, but it fizzled. I'm sure that experience will inform me in the future so I can create more solid situations.
I'm also driven my another heartfelt desire -- to contribute something to the collective unconscious through my writing, something that raises people's hearts to see the world in a new way, a kinder way, a gentler way. Something that will calm a troubled heart, inspire a gloomy heart, and strengthen a weary heart. Something that resonates. In my mind, I see a body of water without an edge, and watch my words poured into a pitched that releases a single drop onto the clear surface, with ripples expanding to the horizon. That's what I want to accomplish with my life.
The events of the last few years have created a sharper desire in my heart, and have cleared away a lot of the things inside me that were holding me back. I feel a bit like a branch that has been chosen for an arrow. The supporting branches, the ones that are not necessary for an arrow, have been stripped from me. I can see where many of these branches used to be attached, and I have some tenderness yet around some of them. But I do more than endure this procedure, I invite it with enthusiasm and courage, because I know that the pain is temporary, and the result is that I'm closer to being who I want to be. Who I truly am. I'm reminded of the passage "now I see in a mirror darkly..." and know that my vision is true and is manifesting even tonight in my life.
I've missed keeping a journal. It feels good to be back.
Monday, November 04, 2002
Squelching Sobs
It's the middle of the night, and I've been awake for a couple of hours after going to bed too early. I'm hoping to get another nap in before morning. But as I lay in my borrowed bed, I found myself connecting with a deep river of sadness that is flowing through me. It's the second time in three days that I've been on the verge of sobbing, and I don't know what is wrong. I don't know what about me has harnessed me to this particular river. I suppose I'm still grieving some from my illness. I never realized before how much grieving is part of illness, I guess because I've been so healthy. I'm sad to be away from my home and my life. But, perhaps strangely, I'm sad to be leaving a place where I feel protected, to return to a solitary life where I have so much more responsibility for my daily living. I know I'm ready to be home, and I know that I'm ready to leave. So why do I feel this sadness?
I have learned so well over the years that I need to pay attention to what I focus on. I've struggled with this, with the idea that I should be allowed to feel bad, to be angry, to hold a grudge, even. To hold other people accountable for what they do. It all seems so justified, and makes a certain logical sense. But I know better. I know from my own experiences that focusing on something bad only brings up more of it. I have really made efforts when challenged to let go of the bad and look at this differently -- to give people the benefit of the doubt, to see the real blessings inside of everything that happens. Perhaps more important, I've learned to see how my own actions and thoughts have contributed to everything I experience, to trace the source of things to myself instead of others. I know that what I feel creates my own future reality. I struggle with finding the balance between allowing myself to really feel things, no matter what they are, for the emotional release, the honesty of it -- balanced against the idea that I need to shift my thinking so that my feelings naturally become more positive, more encouraging, more tuned into the things I really want to create in my life. Yet, since August, I've struggled like no other time in my life with these conflicts. I've been through experiences that NO DOUBT I created and yet once they were in motion, I had no choice but to ride them out. I am proud of the fact that I've approached my illness and recovery with such a committment to healing, to full and fast recovery. And I've been wildly successful.
So where are these sobs coming from? Are these things deep from my past that don't need to be named, only to be acknowledged, released, and forgotten? I'm willing to do that.
And why am I so stuck, so stubborn, and feeling so out of sorts in my life? I'm not in the mood for much of anything.
I'm hoping, trusting, that once I get back to my home, things will change. I know from experience that my house will sound deathly silent after living around other people so much. In part, I will enjoy the silence, but in part, it will settle like a chill around my bones, too. I'm returning to a life, a lifestyle, that lead me to my illness, and a big part of me is fighting to make changes, to let myself live in a new and fresh way, to LIVE instead of exist. Another significant course adjustment, one that I'm actually looking forward to. There is a part of me that is dreading returning home, as if it is a stage costume that is heavy and cumbersome that I don't enjoy wearing. My physical possessions feel that way right now. I've been living with so few personal possessions for so long... the weeks in the hospital with nothing personal and then the months here with one suitcase of clothes and belongings. Except for Skooch, nothing personal.
I feel like I've acomplished NOTHING during this time, nothing that measures towards goals as I have made them in the past. I can't point to pages written, skills acquired, mobility improved. And yet I've done all of these things, but I've done them in a drifting sort of way. My lovely daily structure has been totally replaced with a helter-skelter existence where I've stayed up most of the night, often up when my Dad's alarm goes off, and then sleeping until I hear someone arriving home around lunch. It's not a schedule I have enjoyed, and yet, I felt myself stuck in it through my own unwillingness to go to bed. It's not like I enjoyed the time I was up alone, or accomplished anything towards any goal. Most of it was mindless TV watching, flipping channels most of that. This whole time has been a blur.
I'm hearing my heart speak to me about who I want to be. I know this means changes. I'm taking back with me an intention to create my healthy lifestyle in a fuller, more comprehensive way than I understood at the start of this year. I'm not coming up with a plan of action, or specific changes to make. I'm trusting that I will know what needs to be done when I encounter it, and trusting that in each moment I can decide what feels consistent with this intention. No predetermined plans or lists. Just moment by moment listening to my own heart. I feel relief when I think about that. I can sigh and relax.
When I think about some of the other changes, domicile changes, and the resulting financial impact... I feel a bit hedged in. I feel a bit pinched. And yet I know that just by keeping myself OPEN, by trusting, that everything will work out perfectly. There will be enough funds to cover everything. There will be enough money to keep my life afloat, as long as I continue to cultivate that sense of abundance.
Great Spirit, I don't talk to you directly as often as I used to. Tonight, I need to the comfort of addressing you like this. Tonight, I need the comfort that a child seeks from a parent, a sense of belonging, a sense of being cared for, a sense of being WANTED in the world. That my existence makes a positive difference in this universe. I have felt so alone at my core for so long, a feeling that gives me great strength when I'm balanced and on track, and a feeling that causes me much sadness when I'm not. Remind me that I'm living out a strange combination of previous intentions that still have roots in my heart. Remind me that I can cultivate new plants, dig up old roots, and bask in the sunshine of my own secret garden at any time I choose. Remind me of the greatness that is LIFE that dwells inside my heart, and connects me with everything. Remind me that I'm always connected, even when I choose to feel pinched off, because in truth I am part of all that is. Help me this week to bring closure to this chapter of my life, espcially when I struggle with it. I'm ready to move into the next chapter, even if I sometimes feel inadequate, and sometimes feel sadness at this ending. I'm ready. I'm open. I'm alive.
It's the middle of the night, and I've been awake for a couple of hours after going to bed too early. I'm hoping to get another nap in before morning. But as I lay in my borrowed bed, I found myself connecting with a deep river of sadness that is flowing through me. It's the second time in three days that I've been on the verge of sobbing, and I don't know what is wrong. I don't know what about me has harnessed me to this particular river. I suppose I'm still grieving some from my illness. I never realized before how much grieving is part of illness, I guess because I've been so healthy. I'm sad to be away from my home and my life. But, perhaps strangely, I'm sad to be leaving a place where I feel protected, to return to a solitary life where I have so much more responsibility for my daily living. I know I'm ready to be home, and I know that I'm ready to leave. So why do I feel this sadness?
I have learned so well over the years that I need to pay attention to what I focus on. I've struggled with this, with the idea that I should be allowed to feel bad, to be angry, to hold a grudge, even. To hold other people accountable for what they do. It all seems so justified, and makes a certain logical sense. But I know better. I know from my own experiences that focusing on something bad only brings up more of it. I have really made efforts when challenged to let go of the bad and look at this differently -- to give people the benefit of the doubt, to see the real blessings inside of everything that happens. Perhaps more important, I've learned to see how my own actions and thoughts have contributed to everything I experience, to trace the source of things to myself instead of others. I know that what I feel creates my own future reality. I struggle with finding the balance between allowing myself to really feel things, no matter what they are, for the emotional release, the honesty of it -- balanced against the idea that I need to shift my thinking so that my feelings naturally become more positive, more encouraging, more tuned into the things I really want to create in my life. Yet, since August, I've struggled like no other time in my life with these conflicts. I've been through experiences that NO DOUBT I created and yet once they were in motion, I had no choice but to ride them out. I am proud of the fact that I've approached my illness and recovery with such a committment to healing, to full and fast recovery. And I've been wildly successful.
So where are these sobs coming from? Are these things deep from my past that don't need to be named, only to be acknowledged, released, and forgotten? I'm willing to do that.
And why am I so stuck, so stubborn, and feeling so out of sorts in my life? I'm not in the mood for much of anything.
I'm hoping, trusting, that once I get back to my home, things will change. I know from experience that my house will sound deathly silent after living around other people so much. In part, I will enjoy the silence, but in part, it will settle like a chill around my bones, too. I'm returning to a life, a lifestyle, that lead me to my illness, and a big part of me is fighting to make changes, to let myself live in a new and fresh way, to LIVE instead of exist. Another significant course adjustment, one that I'm actually looking forward to. There is a part of me that is dreading returning home, as if it is a stage costume that is heavy and cumbersome that I don't enjoy wearing. My physical possessions feel that way right now. I've been living with so few personal possessions for so long... the weeks in the hospital with nothing personal and then the months here with one suitcase of clothes and belongings. Except for Skooch, nothing personal.
I feel like I've acomplished NOTHING during this time, nothing that measures towards goals as I have made them in the past. I can't point to pages written, skills acquired, mobility improved. And yet I've done all of these things, but I've done them in a drifting sort of way. My lovely daily structure has been totally replaced with a helter-skelter existence where I've stayed up most of the night, often up when my Dad's alarm goes off, and then sleeping until I hear someone arriving home around lunch. It's not a schedule I have enjoyed, and yet, I felt myself stuck in it through my own unwillingness to go to bed. It's not like I enjoyed the time I was up alone, or accomplished anything towards any goal. Most of it was mindless TV watching, flipping channels most of that. This whole time has been a blur.
I'm hearing my heart speak to me about who I want to be. I know this means changes. I'm taking back with me an intention to create my healthy lifestyle in a fuller, more comprehensive way than I understood at the start of this year. I'm not coming up with a plan of action, or specific changes to make. I'm trusting that I will know what needs to be done when I encounter it, and trusting that in each moment I can decide what feels consistent with this intention. No predetermined plans or lists. Just moment by moment listening to my own heart. I feel relief when I think about that. I can sigh and relax.
When I think about some of the other changes, domicile changes, and the resulting financial impact... I feel a bit hedged in. I feel a bit pinched. And yet I know that just by keeping myself OPEN, by trusting, that everything will work out perfectly. There will be enough funds to cover everything. There will be enough money to keep my life afloat, as long as I continue to cultivate that sense of abundance.
Great Spirit, I don't talk to you directly as often as I used to. Tonight, I need to the comfort of addressing you like this. Tonight, I need the comfort that a child seeks from a parent, a sense of belonging, a sense of being cared for, a sense of being WANTED in the world. That my existence makes a positive difference in this universe. I have felt so alone at my core for so long, a feeling that gives me great strength when I'm balanced and on track, and a feeling that causes me much sadness when I'm not. Remind me that I'm living out a strange combination of previous intentions that still have roots in my heart. Remind me that I can cultivate new plants, dig up old roots, and bask in the sunshine of my own secret garden at any time I choose. Remind me of the greatness that is LIFE that dwells inside my heart, and connects me with everything. Remind me that I'm always connected, even when I choose to feel pinched off, because in truth I am part of all that is. Help me this week to bring closure to this chapter of my life, espcially when I struggle with it. I'm ready to move into the next chapter, even if I sometimes feel inadequate, and sometimes feel sadness at this ending. I'm ready. I'm open. I'm alive.
Friday, October 25, 2002
The One Who Got Away?
Tonight, I did something I don't normally do. I did a name search on a guy that I must admit, I've not really gotten over. In my heart of hearts, I've hoped against hope and against all reason that somehow, someday, things might work out between us. I've wrestled with my feelings a lot over the last three years since things ended. I knew that nothing was possible, but I found this part of me that really wanted it anyway. Irrational, I know. Obsessive? perhaps. But what has intrigued me this whole time is that this part of me connects me to a part of myself that woke up during that time. A part of me that I had never uncovered on my own. A part of me that I really like.
I suppose hanging on to the hope was really my way of hanging on to that part of myself, and of hanging on to something outside of me that had provided such access to the richness inside of me. Honestly, I wanted to uncover more of this inside me. I wanted to find more things about myself that I loved. I know that hanging on to something external will never do that.
My cat has this habit of returning to the scene of the crime. If he finds a bug in the house, even after he has eaten it, he will return to that exact location over and over, as if that location will continue to provide him with new bugs. After all, he loves to chase them, and in his limited understanding of the world, returning to the scene is logical. My hopeful fixation has the same tone. I found a relationship that opened me up in this wonderful new way, and I wanted to experience more of it. So, even though the reasoning was simplistic and inaccurate, I have hung on to the original source. Of course I know that the door for discovering things about myself lies within me. I also know that sometimes, through interaction with others, through the contrast of relationships, I can continue to learn much about myself -- things that I don't seem to discover on my own. Relationships are a path to find the road less travelled. Of course I know that there are plenty of other people in the world that I can share that experience with, and there is no need to hang on to that one. Like my cat, however, I have found myself returning to the scene of the crime, longing for a return.
Tonight, I did a name search on him and discovered that he eloped at the end of the summer. During the time that I was so sick before my surgery, he eloped with a colleague, someone he has known for many years. I feel a mix of emotions. I'm very happy for him, and for them. I want to know what she looks like. I want to cry. I want to write about the wonderful experience I had with him. I want to close the door on my hope.
I don't know what I've accomplished by writing here. Time will tell. But I feel better. Life moves on, whether we want it to or not. For too long, I've hung on to the wrong aspect of that relationship. Now, perhaps I'm free to put things in perspective, and to move forward with my own path of self discovery.
Tonight, I did something I don't normally do. I did a name search on a guy that I must admit, I've not really gotten over. In my heart of hearts, I've hoped against hope and against all reason that somehow, someday, things might work out between us. I've wrestled with my feelings a lot over the last three years since things ended. I knew that nothing was possible, but I found this part of me that really wanted it anyway. Irrational, I know. Obsessive? perhaps. But what has intrigued me this whole time is that this part of me connects me to a part of myself that woke up during that time. A part of me that I had never uncovered on my own. A part of me that I really like.
I suppose hanging on to the hope was really my way of hanging on to that part of myself, and of hanging on to something outside of me that had provided such access to the richness inside of me. Honestly, I wanted to uncover more of this inside me. I wanted to find more things about myself that I loved. I know that hanging on to something external will never do that.
My cat has this habit of returning to the scene of the crime. If he finds a bug in the house, even after he has eaten it, he will return to that exact location over and over, as if that location will continue to provide him with new bugs. After all, he loves to chase them, and in his limited understanding of the world, returning to the scene is logical. My hopeful fixation has the same tone. I found a relationship that opened me up in this wonderful new way, and I wanted to experience more of it. So, even though the reasoning was simplistic and inaccurate, I have hung on to the original source. Of course I know that the door for discovering things about myself lies within me. I also know that sometimes, through interaction with others, through the contrast of relationships, I can continue to learn much about myself -- things that I don't seem to discover on my own. Relationships are a path to find the road less travelled. Of course I know that there are plenty of other people in the world that I can share that experience with, and there is no need to hang on to that one. Like my cat, however, I have found myself returning to the scene of the crime, longing for a return.
Tonight, I did a name search on him and discovered that he eloped at the end of the summer. During the time that I was so sick before my surgery, he eloped with a colleague, someone he has known for many years. I feel a mix of emotions. I'm very happy for him, and for them. I want to know what she looks like. I want to cry. I want to write about the wonderful experience I had with him. I want to close the door on my hope.
I don't know what I've accomplished by writing here. Time will tell. But I feel better. Life moves on, whether we want it to or not. For too long, I've hung on to the wrong aspect of that relationship. Now, perhaps I'm free to put things in perspective, and to move forward with my own path of self discovery.
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