Glimpse In A Mirror

A Glimpse Around Me

Hello -- I'm back.

After 13 months, I am ready to resume my online journal. During this year, I have adjusted to my life post-surgery, worked through mobility restrictions, and almost lost my father who is still recovering from a stroke. But this doesn't begin to describe who I've become during this last year. Perhaps I should return by trying to collect my thoughts about who I am and where I've been.

Two years ago, I set out to change my life. My goal was to create a healthy lifestyle, and in so many ways, I've really done that. I'm proud of what I've accomplished, and I can see much more that I can do. This year has been interesting because of all of the physical challenges I've been through. I've not lost more weight, but I have stayed just about the same weight the whole year. That is a quite a miracle by itself, and I'm only slightly disappointed that I haven't lost more. I'm optimistic that I'm ready to kick back into a different mode and resume the weight loss I started. I'm only about half way there.

My healthy lifestyle shows up clearly in my work life. I struggled a bit this year with overworking, and now, with underworking. Through it all, I've been observing myself and learning more about myself and my challenges. I'm sitting at a beautiful desk in the office in my new home, and I've created a space that will be truly wonderful for working. I've setup a new desk and work surface that actually supports my health. I'm sitting at my new Aeron chair and I have to walk to reach things on the printer -- encouragement for me to get up frequently throughout the day instead of sitting for long spells. My office is beautiful and practical, and affordable! I'm really proud of what I've accomplished here. I've also gotten more organized that perhaps I've ever been. That feels good, too.

I have adjusted some of my attitudes about work, also. I've living on savings right now, and I can't afford to do that forever, but for now it's the best option I have. I'm not in a panic. I completely trust that I'm doing what is before me, and that significant income will soon arrive at my door. And on my terms. Of course, I've evaluated my terms over and over, and while I'm willing to be flexible, I'm also determined to take care of myself. I can do that in many ways and in many situations. But I'm holding on to my dream of working on my own projects, and I've taken steps towards those projects. Creating income from projects that are dear to my heart, projects that originate from ME, is a big part of what I see ahead of me in the near future.

In the last few months, my mobility issues have improved remarkably. I've resumed my walking routine, walking a mile each outing, and getting out nearly every day. Even with my hectic travel schedule, and the inhospitable weather at my destination, I'm staying relatively active. My legs are working better than they have since before my last entry in this journal. I can't kneel for long, and I can't do deep knee squats (or even come close!), but I can do steps the normal way up and down now. There is no limp in my walk. My knees are tired after a lot of standing and walking, but recover very quickly. I'm returning to my previous level of flexibility. I can stand with my feet shoulder width apart and put my palms on the floor. I used to be able to stand with my feet together and put my palms on the floor behind my heels, and hope to reach that level over the next few months. My overall aerobic condition, my ability to tolerate moderate exercise, has greatly improved over the last year, and with the weight loss, it is better than it has been since I left college 20 years ago.

My father's sudden illness and the resulting stressors in my life caused me much heart and soul searching, and have pushed me in directions I would never have guessed. I think I had been afraid of losing my father, in fact, either of my parents. I suppose there is some security in having them available to me, and their support is priceless. I now know that I will be fine when they are both gone, and I know that they will always be with me, in a slightly different way than they are today. I've experienced that with Dad being so sick, feeling him out there even though he truly hasn't been available to me in the physical realm. I know that I will always be able to stay in contact with them, and that is comforting. I've also come to have a more grounded, I think, view of death. A view that fits more with my beliefs. This whole thing has pushed me to live more in the moment, and to realize the value and importance of expressing kindness to everyone who crosses my path during the day. I wish I was better at this, but I acknowledge that I'm doing pretty well, and I follow my instincts well in this area. I get myself in a twist still from time to time, but I seem to recover pretty quickly.

I've been more generous with my time, love, energy, and money since this all started. I think I've always been generous, but now I seem to be seeing more into the hearts and pains of people, and seem at times to be inspired with words and ideas for them. I know what I've done has made a difference for people, including Dad and my family, and I'm grateful to be useful. My heart's desire is to be kind, and if I fall short of that, I want to cause no harm to the people in my world.

One interesting event this year involved the idea of expanding my business. I've always thought I was in business to keep myself employed, and that is a good goal. But circumstances this year also showed me that power and potential for doing good through an expansion of my business. I now have a vision of how it can be something that is greater than I can do myself, that many people can contribute their skills and abilities and co-create something that has value to the people producing as well as the people who receive the products. I'm truly inspired by that. I thought I had started to create that earlier this year, but it fizzled. I'm sure that experience will inform me in the future so I can create more solid situations.

I'm also driven my another heartfelt desire -- to contribute something to the collective unconscious through my writing, something that raises people's hearts to see the world in a new way, a kinder way, a gentler way. Something that will calm a troubled heart, inspire a gloomy heart, and strengthen a weary heart. Something that resonates. In my mind, I see a body of water without an edge, and watch my words poured into a pitched that releases a single drop onto the clear surface, with ripples expanding to the horizon. That's what I want to accomplish with my life.

The events of the last few years have created a sharper desire in my heart, and have cleared away a lot of the things inside me that were holding me back. I feel a bit like a branch that has been chosen for an arrow. The supporting branches, the ones that are not necessary for an arrow, have been stripped from me. I can see where many of these branches used to be attached, and I have some tenderness yet around some of them. But I do more than endure this procedure, I invite it with enthusiasm and courage, because I know that the pain is temporary, and the result is that I'm closer to being who I want to be. Who I truly am. I'm reminded of the passage "now I see in a mirror darkly..." and know that my vision is true and is manifesting even tonight in my life.

I've missed keeping a journal. It feels good to be back.