For the last few days, no weeks, I've been floundering. I knew working too much would have the effect of a salad spinner in my life, tossing aside everything that wasn't central to my focus. But those things were not fluff, some of them were very important. Since finishing the project, I've struggled a bit at first to just rest and then to pull myself back together. I've rested, and I've continued to flounder.
But last night, I had a moment of clarity. I was watching a TV show I had recorded from the weekend, something pretty mindless that I enjoy. I'm not really sure what setup the environment for my refection and moment of clarity, but it happened anyway. In that moment, I just understood what is going on in my life, it was like a flash of light, not like a revelation that unfolds. I just knew. And my reaction was just as solid. I paused the TV to talk out loud to myself, to state my intention and have my own voice carry the vibration I had just set in my soul.
In that moment, part of what I realized was that I'm not at this time doing my best. There are things I know to do that I'm not doing. And so I chose to do them. I promised myself to resolve the niggling undone things in my environment. I've started a list of them, and I must work on them every day before I start any work. It's important to pull my life back, to reweave the threads that are coming undone on the edges. I can't control the events in my life, but I can continue to choose to focus on my own priorities and set my course of action along that route. Plenty of things can happen that cause me to adjust my course, but my primary intention is to set my own vibration, my own priorities, and my own life course. This I can do. I can lead myself through my life instead of just reacting to the things around me.
I had an epiphany when I was in my middle 20s. I was riding in a car with a friend, driving through a run down section of Dayton, Ohio, a section that was packed with Victorian style homes that at one time must have been grand. But in my life, they were run down, surrounded by poverty, and unkempt. I saw an older man sitting on the porch, and I wondered if he had lived there since the grand times, and if he just stayed in place while things unraveled around him until he was too old, too set in his ways, too sick, too poor, to move away now. My lesson was that I don't know what may happen to me in my life, but if I end up stranded in a dump of a life that only shows a few signs of the grandness that was before, I didn't want it to be because I had made a pattern of bad choices that led me there.
Last night, I reaffirmed my commitment to living my life as a pattern of the best choices I can make in each moment. It will take a while to clear out the clutter, to lose some weight, and to take care of the ignored issues in my life. It will feel great when I suddenly realize that the messy things are resolved. But it feels just as great to know that in this moment I'm on a journey that I've chosen to take, and that I'm setting my own course for the best life I can create from this spot.
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