Glimpse In A Mirror

Squelching Sobs

It's the middle of the night, and I've been awake for a couple of hours after going to bed too early. I'm hoping to get another nap in before morning. But as I lay in my borrowed bed, I found myself connecting with a deep river of sadness that is flowing through me. It's the second time in three days that I've been on the verge of sobbing, and I don't know what is wrong. I don't know what about me has harnessed me to this particular river. I suppose I'm still grieving some from my illness. I never realized before how much grieving is part of illness, I guess because I've been so healthy. I'm sad to be away from my home and my life. But, perhaps strangely, I'm sad to be leaving a place where I feel protected, to return to a solitary life where I have so much more responsibility for my daily living. I know I'm ready to be home, and I know that I'm ready to leave. So why do I feel this sadness?

I have learned so well over the years that I need to pay attention to what I focus on. I've struggled with this, with the idea that I should be allowed to feel bad, to be angry, to hold a grudge, even. To hold other people accountable for what they do. It all seems so justified, and makes a certain logical sense. But I know better. I know from my own experiences that focusing on something bad only brings up more of it. I have really made efforts when challenged to let go of the bad and look at this differently -- to give people the benefit of the doubt, to see the real blessings inside of everything that happens. Perhaps more important, I've learned to see how my own actions and thoughts have contributed to everything I experience, to trace the source of things to myself instead of others. I know that what I feel creates my own future reality. I struggle with finding the balance between allowing myself to really feel things, no matter what they are, for the emotional release, the honesty of it -- balanced against the idea that I need to shift my thinking so that my feelings naturally become more positive, more encouraging, more tuned into the things I really want to create in my life. Yet, since August, I've struggled like no other time in my life with these conflicts. I've been through experiences that NO DOUBT I created and yet once they were in motion, I had no choice but to ride them out. I am proud of the fact that I've approached my illness and recovery with such a committment to healing, to full and fast recovery. And I've been wildly successful.

So where are these sobs coming from? Are these things deep from my past that don't need to be named, only to be acknowledged, released, and forgotten? I'm willing to do that.

And why am I so stuck, so stubborn, and feeling so out of sorts in my life? I'm not in the mood for much of anything.

I'm hoping, trusting, that once I get back to my home, things will change. I know from experience that my house will sound deathly silent after living around other people so much. In part, I will enjoy the silence, but in part, it will settle like a chill around my bones, too. I'm returning to a life, a lifestyle, that lead me to my illness, and a big part of me is fighting to make changes, to let myself live in a new and fresh way, to LIVE instead of exist. Another significant course adjustment, one that I'm actually looking forward to. There is a part of me that is dreading returning home, as if it is a stage costume that is heavy and cumbersome that I don't enjoy wearing. My physical possessions feel that way right now. I've been living with so few personal possessions for so long... the weeks in the hospital with nothing personal and then the months here with one suitcase of clothes and belongings. Except for Skooch, nothing personal.

I feel like I've acomplished NOTHING during this time, nothing that measures towards goals as I have made them in the past. I can't point to pages written, skills acquired, mobility improved. And yet I've done all of these things, but I've done them in a drifting sort of way. My lovely daily structure has been totally replaced with a helter-skelter existence where I've stayed up most of the night, often up when my Dad's alarm goes off, and then sleeping until I hear someone arriving home around lunch. It's not a schedule I have enjoyed, and yet, I felt myself stuck in it through my own unwillingness to go to bed. It's not like I enjoyed the time I was up alone, or accomplished anything towards any goal. Most of it was mindless TV watching, flipping channels most of that. This whole time has been a blur.

I'm hearing my heart speak to me about who I want to be. I know this means changes. I'm taking back with me an intention to create my healthy lifestyle in a fuller, more comprehensive way than I understood at the start of this year. I'm not coming up with a plan of action, or specific changes to make. I'm trusting that I will know what needs to be done when I encounter it, and trusting that in each moment I can decide what feels consistent with this intention. No predetermined plans or lists. Just moment by moment listening to my own heart. I feel relief when I think about that. I can sigh and relax.

When I think about some of the other changes, domicile changes, and the resulting financial impact... I feel a bit hedged in. I feel a bit pinched. And yet I know that just by keeping myself OPEN, by trusting, that everything will work out perfectly. There will be enough funds to cover everything. There will be enough money to keep my life afloat, as long as I continue to cultivate that sense of abundance.

Great Spirit, I don't talk to you directly as often as I used to. Tonight, I need to the comfort of addressing you like this. Tonight, I need the comfort that a child seeks from a parent, a sense of belonging, a sense of being cared for, a sense of being WANTED in the world. That my existence makes a positive difference in this universe. I have felt so alone at my core for so long, a feeling that gives me great strength when I'm balanced and on track, and a feeling that causes me much sadness when I'm not. Remind me that I'm living out a strange combination of previous intentions that still have roots in my heart. Remind me that I can cultivate new plants, dig up old roots, and bask in the sunshine of my own secret garden at any time I choose. Remind me of the greatness that is LIFE that dwells inside my heart, and connects me with everything. Remind me that I'm always connected, even when I choose to feel pinched off, because in truth I am part of all that is. Help me this week to bring closure to this chapter of my life, espcially when I struggle with it. I'm ready to move into the next chapter, even if I sometimes feel inadequate, and sometimes feel sadness at this ending. I'm ready. I'm open. I'm alive.