Glimpse In A Mirror

The One Who Got Away?

Tonight, I did something I don't normally do. I did a name search on a guy that I must admit, I've not really gotten over. In my heart of hearts, I've hoped against hope and against all reason that somehow, someday, things might work out between us. I've wrestled with my feelings a lot over the last three years since things ended. I knew that nothing was possible, but I found this part of me that really wanted it anyway. Irrational, I know. Obsessive? perhaps. But what has intrigued me this whole time is that this part of me connects me to a part of myself that woke up during that time. A part of me that I had never uncovered on my own. A part of me that I really like.

I suppose hanging on to the hope was really my way of hanging on to that part of myself, and of hanging on to something outside of me that had provided such access to the richness inside of me. Honestly, I wanted to uncover more of this inside me. I wanted to find more things about myself that I loved. I know that hanging on to something external will never do that.

My cat has this habit of returning to the scene of the crime. If he finds a bug in the house, even after he has eaten it, he will return to that exact location over and over, as if that location will continue to provide him with new bugs. After all, he loves to chase them, and in his limited understanding of the world, returning to the scene is logical. My hopeful fixation has the same tone. I found a relationship that opened me up in this wonderful new way, and I wanted to experience more of it. So, even though the reasoning was simplistic and inaccurate, I have hung on to the original source. Of course I know that the door for discovering things about myself lies within me. I also know that sometimes, through interaction with others, through the contrast of relationships, I can continue to learn much about myself -- things that I don't seem to discover on my own. Relationships are a path to find the road less travelled. Of course I know that there are plenty of other people in the world that I can share that experience with, and there is no need to hang on to that one. Like my cat, however, I have found myself returning to the scene of the crime, longing for a return.

Tonight, I did a name search on him and discovered that he eloped at the end of the summer. During the time that I was so sick before my surgery, he eloped with a colleague, someone he has known for many years. I feel a mix of emotions. I'm very happy for him, and for them. I want to know what she looks like. I want to cry. I want to write about the wonderful experience I had with him. I want to close the door on my hope.

I don't know what I've accomplished by writing here. Time will tell. But I feel better. Life moves on, whether we want it to or not. For too long, I've hung on to the wrong aspect of that relationship. Now, perhaps I'm free to put things in perspective, and to move forward with my own path of self discovery.