Creating Order From My Own Chaos
I'm taking a break from a task that I have been putting off for a long time. Well, one of two tasks I've been putting off (the other being finishing my taxes -- I filed for an extension). I actually started my afternoon by beginning to clean up my office. I live in a small space, after living in larger spaces, and so I've never quite FIT in this home. I've always had overflow stuff, and since I'm using my largest bedroom as my office, the office is the overflow room. The good news is that I sit with my back to the mess, so once I walk into the room and start working, the mess is gone from my exprience. But I know that the mess is around me.
At times, the room has been in better order than it is now. I think this downhill slide started when I was packing for my trip home for Christmas. I had been keeping my families presents up here, of course, and I had to pull out a lot of storage boxes to get the presents organized. I left town with the room a mess. In the last four months, I have not really picked up, and I've also added to the mess. Some of the mess is related to changing the seaonsal clothes, which is complicated by the fact that I have lost enough weight that I have stacks of winter clothes sitting around waiting to be given away instead of being put back into the office closet. I'm not blaming my messiness on my diet! In fact, in the bigger picture, the diet is going to help me fit better into this house because I'm getting rid of the largest sized clothes right now, leaving me more room for the multiple smaller sizes I still own. But as I shrink, I have promised myself to get rid of the big clothes. I did keep just a few of the winter things so I'm naked when it gets cold, or having to do a LOT of shopping. I figure sweats and flannel nightshirts will be OK even if they are huge on me, right? Better than being naked, at least.
But the real problem in here is the paper, which also relates to my other unfinished task. I'm horrible with paper. On a job, or for a project, I can organize the hell out of anything. I have systems in place so I can put my hands on any sheet of paper with scribbled notes for a client, but can I figure out easily where October 2001 receipts are? Nope. And really, which one is the most important? My personal paperwork, of course. I know I have this paper disability... I just need to get on top of it for a short time so I can figure out a system for handling it. I know I can organize my life the same way I organize my work. I know I can... I know I can... I know I can... (the little engine that could).
I can see the top of my desk for the first time in weeks, maybe months. I had almost forgotten that I painted it purple two years ago! I had also forgotten the color of the carpet by the futon, and the color of the futon cover, but I can see glimpses of the cover now. When I stop writing, I'm going to dig into that area of the room, and stem the tide of boxes flowing out of the closet, boxes I pulled out for Christmas and for getting to my summer clothes... I can do this!
The dust in the room is horrible, but that's because I live in the desert. The dust in the whole house is terrible. I've got a little trick, though. Before I start moving things that I know are dusty, I get out my handy-dandy mister and give the room a good misting. That is enough to settle the dust so I can wipe it with my damp cloth. If the air starts to get dusty, or I start sneezing, I just mist some more. Eventually the air is clear and the dust is in the cloth instead of my nose. Skooch hates it when I get started sneezing really hard! He looks at me like he's assessing the risk to his person. I would never sneeze at him, but I can't say the same for him!
The other thing I might do is get out the sage. I've found that smudging really helps me to clear out my own inner resistence to the task at hand. I can't explain why, I have theories, but I know for a fact this works for me. When I start to feel overwhelmed by the mess, a little sage smoke can get me back on track, and help me to find the courage to step back into my center. I'm going to bring that in here before I resume.
I started planning a new office setup this weekend. Actually, the seed was planted several weeks ago. I'm going to build in a desktop that is L shaped and get a monitor stand, one of those arm things, to lift the monitor off the work surface. Underneath, I'm going to put two file cabinets, my laser printer, paper storage and CD (software) storage. With the extra workspace, I will be able to have room for the scanner and a new color printer. On the wall space, the backsplash, I'm going to add some shallow shelves to hold reference books, a bulletin board area, a clock and a wall mounted task lamp. I think I'm going to use plywood to make it, and build it in a way that I can take it with me when I move. I'm also going to do the room paint treatment on all of the walls before this goes up. I figure I'm going to need several days, maybe even a week, where my office is taken apart and I'm off line and without a computer. WOW. I can't remember the last time that happened. It should be interesting.
Well, it's time to get back to work.
Sunday, April 28, 2002
Thursday, April 25, 2002
Creating My Future
I own the most wonderful small apartment complex. It is located in a neighborhood that has character, full of older homes with established lawns and landscaping. It's a family part of town. The complex is 24 units, plus a manager's office and caretakers workspace, and the words "charming" and "quaint" describe it. The floorplans are spacious, with lots of closet space, and the cement block walls make it enegy efficient. I've started to replace the windows so it more energy efficient for the tennants. The pool area is inviting, and the landscaping makes it look like an oasis in the desert.
The atmosphere here is peaceful at all times of day. Most of the people who live here work during the day, but we do have a few retired people and a couple of work at home types. It is common to see people eating their lunch in one of the common areas, where they can watch the birds at the feeders. It's comfortable here, a place where you want to be a homebody, but it is so close to things that you often see people walking into the neighborhood, or riding bikes.
I have created a place where the residents can express themselves inside their homes, and some of them are quite lovely. The stucco walls lend themselves to many decorative paint techniques, and people are free to create traditional or quirky interiors for themselves. The managers I've hired are here all day long, fixing things that come up, doing regular maintenance, and making the place feel like a home. Last year, I hired a landscape architect to design a grand plan, and this year we are adding two water features to give the refreshing sound of water flowing to the complex. Next year, we are adding some additional plants for color accents at the entrances. I love having these projects to work on. I'm often here throughout the week, checking on things and pitching in on the larger projects.
I'm very excited to be able to offer a group of people a place to call home for a time in their lives. I want this to be a time that they look back on fondly as they move to other cities, or purchase their own homes, or just move to a larger space. There is a sense here that someone cares... about keeping things in working order, in making the place beautiful and peaceful, and in giving people a good value for their hard earned money. Owning this complex is a dream come true for me, and is part of how I'm giving to others in my life. I'm grateful for this aspect of my life.
I own the most wonderful small apartment complex. It is located in a neighborhood that has character, full of older homes with established lawns and landscaping. It's a family part of town. The complex is 24 units, plus a manager's office and caretakers workspace, and the words "charming" and "quaint" describe it. The floorplans are spacious, with lots of closet space, and the cement block walls make it enegy efficient. I've started to replace the windows so it more energy efficient for the tennants. The pool area is inviting, and the landscaping makes it look like an oasis in the desert.
The atmosphere here is peaceful at all times of day. Most of the people who live here work during the day, but we do have a few retired people and a couple of work at home types. It is common to see people eating their lunch in one of the common areas, where they can watch the birds at the feeders. It's comfortable here, a place where you want to be a homebody, but it is so close to things that you often see people walking into the neighborhood, or riding bikes.
I have created a place where the residents can express themselves inside their homes, and some of them are quite lovely. The stucco walls lend themselves to many decorative paint techniques, and people are free to create traditional or quirky interiors for themselves. The managers I've hired are here all day long, fixing things that come up, doing regular maintenance, and making the place feel like a home. Last year, I hired a landscape architect to design a grand plan, and this year we are adding two water features to give the refreshing sound of water flowing to the complex. Next year, we are adding some additional plants for color accents at the entrances. I love having these projects to work on. I'm often here throughout the week, checking on things and pitching in on the larger projects.
I'm very excited to be able to offer a group of people a place to call home for a time in their lives. I want this to be a time that they look back on fondly as they move to other cities, or purchase their own homes, or just move to a larger space. There is a sense here that someone cares... about keeping things in working order, in making the place beautiful and peaceful, and in giving people a good value for their hard earned money. Owning this complex is a dream come true for me, and is part of how I'm giving to others in my life. I'm grateful for this aspect of my life.
Another Sleepless Exhausted Evening
This is really hard. I can tell from how I'm feeling that I really need some serious time off. I need to decompress and get my sleep back. I'm distracted, unable to focus in my usual way, and just a bit edgy. It's challenging to be in this kind of place. But it is also interesting to see how it plays out, too. I find myself making interesting choices, choices that aren't always in my best interest, or consistent with my goals. So I'm observing new things about myself. Maybe I'm not exactly learning, but I'm seeing myself pretty clearly I think,
I had a real thought breakthrough today, while driving home from the State offices and listening to my latest tape. I started to understand astrology as a tool for providing people with a way to live an empowered life. I started seeing Venus as the clarifying desire that comes out of experiencing contrast. I wondered if maybe Jupiter points out the kinds of activities that allow a person to connect with their source energy. I had ideas for other planets. It started out as an idea for a book, something like "Venus Therapy" and quickly evolved into just one chapter in a larger work. I thought that I could put an ad in the local community college newspaper to get students to participate in my research, giving me access to charts and people I could ask questions. It is astrology as a coaching tool to facilitate people following the principles of life according to Abraham. I think it could be a very powerful book to research and write.
In general, I've been feeling very much like I want to dig into a research and writing project, before this idea appeared today. I have been looking sideways at some of the documentaries I've seen on TV, wondering about the people who did the research. There is a part of me that would LOVE to be involved with writing documentaries... it would be fascinating. I can see the cover of the book for the astrology Abraham book. I've seen book covers before, books that haven't materialized (perhaps I should add "yet"). I feel like I have a real choice here about doing it. I've also been thinking about doing a travel guide to London, a guide that would present a research strategy, showing people how to approach a trip to London (or anywhere) and how to decide what is important to them, and how to fit this into various budgets. A book about the process of planning a trip there, not about traveling there. It might be a great idea.
In so many ways, I feel that I'm on the cusp of some really great work. More than the personal growth, I am starting to feel that my life and work are coming into focus in a way that they never have before, my own sort of Venus Therapy, I guess. LOL
I'm starting to yawn...I'm going to try to lay back down.
This is really hard. I can tell from how I'm feeling that I really need some serious time off. I need to decompress and get my sleep back. I'm distracted, unable to focus in my usual way, and just a bit edgy. It's challenging to be in this kind of place. But it is also interesting to see how it plays out, too. I find myself making interesting choices, choices that aren't always in my best interest, or consistent with my goals. So I'm observing new things about myself. Maybe I'm not exactly learning, but I'm seeing myself pretty clearly I think,
I had a real thought breakthrough today, while driving home from the State offices and listening to my latest tape. I started to understand astrology as a tool for providing people with a way to live an empowered life. I started seeing Venus as the clarifying desire that comes out of experiencing contrast. I wondered if maybe Jupiter points out the kinds of activities that allow a person to connect with their source energy. I had ideas for other planets. It started out as an idea for a book, something like "Venus Therapy" and quickly evolved into just one chapter in a larger work. I thought that I could put an ad in the local community college newspaper to get students to participate in my research, giving me access to charts and people I could ask questions. It is astrology as a coaching tool to facilitate people following the principles of life according to Abraham. I think it could be a very powerful book to research and write.
In general, I've been feeling very much like I want to dig into a research and writing project, before this idea appeared today. I have been looking sideways at some of the documentaries I've seen on TV, wondering about the people who did the research. There is a part of me that would LOVE to be involved with writing documentaries... it would be fascinating. I can see the cover of the book for the astrology Abraham book. I've seen book covers before, books that haven't materialized (perhaps I should add "yet"). I feel like I have a real choice here about doing it. I've also been thinking about doing a travel guide to London, a guide that would present a research strategy, showing people how to approach a trip to London (or anywhere) and how to decide what is important to them, and how to fit this into various budgets. A book about the process of planning a trip there, not about traveling there. It might be a great idea.
In so many ways, I feel that I'm on the cusp of some really great work. More than the personal growth, I am starting to feel that my life and work are coming into focus in a way that they never have before, my own sort of Venus Therapy, I guess. LOL
I'm starting to yawn...I'm going to try to lay back down.
Wednesday, April 24, 2002
Lightened Load
After many days of working too much, and many weeks of toiling on the same document, I handed over the working draft this afternoon. I'm exhausted. I've wanted to sleep since about 3 pm, which was about 12 hours into my working day. I decided it would be best to stay up until 8 or so, and now, it seems that I've missed my window of sleep opportunity. It's HOURS past that time, and while I have a headache building and I'm exhausted, I can't find that sleep spot.
I'm glad that I've put together Kathleen and Bob, and I trust that Bob will have more work for me in the future. I did have a moment of being taken aback, I wouldn't call it panic, where I realized that Bob was determining how fully he could use her. I can't worry about such things. I'm glad I was able to solve both of their problems, and I trust that they will both return to me. Either that, or the universe in its abundance will provide me with a new friend and a new client. In the meantime, I've also gotten the kick in the butt that I need to incorporate my business and start taking on contractors when I have overflow work like this. I can afford to have a small margin and make a sliver of money off the hard work of other people, and continue to solve problems. I like the idea of this. Maybe this is the time to switch to the new company name. After 7 years as Crow, maybe its time to become Information Artisans.
Skooch was hilarious this afternoon, sneaking outside through the inserted screen in the window. I wonder how far he really got, and how long he was out there. I don't really mind him being outside, but I don't want to put him at the risk that Rattle faced (and lost). I want this guy to stick around with me for a long time, as long as he wants. I really enjoy my snuggle bug. He really helps me to keep my heart open, and is great company, although I could do without being bitten on the feet during the night.
After many days of working too much, and many weeks of toiling on the same document, I handed over the working draft this afternoon. I'm exhausted. I've wanted to sleep since about 3 pm, which was about 12 hours into my working day. I decided it would be best to stay up until 8 or so, and now, it seems that I've missed my window of sleep opportunity. It's HOURS past that time, and while I have a headache building and I'm exhausted, I can't find that sleep spot.
I'm glad that I've put together Kathleen and Bob, and I trust that Bob will have more work for me in the future. I did have a moment of being taken aback, I wouldn't call it panic, where I realized that Bob was determining how fully he could use her. I can't worry about such things. I'm glad I was able to solve both of their problems, and I trust that they will both return to me. Either that, or the universe in its abundance will provide me with a new friend and a new client. In the meantime, I've also gotten the kick in the butt that I need to incorporate my business and start taking on contractors when I have overflow work like this. I can afford to have a small margin and make a sliver of money off the hard work of other people, and continue to solve problems. I like the idea of this. Maybe this is the time to switch to the new company name. After 7 years as Crow, maybe its time to become Information Artisans.
Skooch was hilarious this afternoon, sneaking outside through the inserted screen in the window. I wonder how far he really got, and how long he was out there. I don't really mind him being outside, but I don't want to put him at the risk that Rattle faced (and lost). I want this guy to stick around with me for a long time, as long as he wants. I really enjoy my snuggle bug. He really helps me to keep my heart open, and is great company, although I could do without being bitten on the feet during the night.
Monday, April 22, 2002
I'm A Raving Lunatic
I'm really angry tonight. I just sent a very abrupt email with a third notice on an invoice, and questioned the person's intergity. I can't believe I really did it, but it actually feels like something I should have done a long time ago. Maybe tonight I'm angry enough to take some steps that I've been putting off, doing some things that I should have done a while back but I was too scared or too politically correct to do. I really hope that the arrow I sent finds its mark. She deserves to hear how I feel about not being paid. She isn't a business woman... oh my god, like she is the only person who doesn't already know THAT fact.
I'm really angry because I realized a few minutes ago that I haven't been out of the house all weekend, I've just worked the whole fucking weekend. What the hell kind of fucking life is this? Starting now, right this minute, this shit ends. I'm taking care of myself FIRST, fuck them all.
Now that I've worked through this burst of anger, I feel exhausted again, and weepy. I'm not going to cry tonight, though. I know I'll feel stronger in the morning. And who know who else I'll tell off then! Everyone on my shit list had better stay out of my way for a while unless they want a raw, jagged edge of me.
I'm really angry tonight. I just sent a very abrupt email with a third notice on an invoice, and questioned the person's intergity. I can't believe I really did it, but it actually feels like something I should have done a long time ago. Maybe tonight I'm angry enough to take some steps that I've been putting off, doing some things that I should have done a while back but I was too scared or too politically correct to do. I really hope that the arrow I sent finds its mark. She deserves to hear how I feel about not being paid. She isn't a business woman... oh my god, like she is the only person who doesn't already know THAT fact.
I'm really angry because I realized a few minutes ago that I haven't been out of the house all weekend, I've just worked the whole fucking weekend. What the hell kind of fucking life is this? Starting now, right this minute, this shit ends. I'm taking care of myself FIRST, fuck them all.
Now that I've worked through this burst of anger, I feel exhausted again, and weepy. I'm not going to cry tonight, though. I know I'll feel stronger in the morning. And who know who else I'll tell off then! Everyone on my shit list had better stay out of my way for a while unless they want a raw, jagged edge of me.
Saturday, April 20, 2002
Needing A Break
I slept 14 hours last night, and now that I'm awake, its the first time in more than a week that I haven't been exhausted. The bad news is that I lost a lot of time I should have been working on a client project. I'm still taking it easy this evening, taking a break to watch my favorite TV shows and then I'll be back up here, working until I'm too tired to go on. Same for tomorrow. I have a huge deadline on Monday that I have to make.
Otherwise, I've been watching how different some of my thoughts are these days. I'm much more willing to tell people what I'm thinking, more inclined to make confrontations instead of backing down or just not saying what is on my mind. These are good changes. I'm also tuned back into some realizations that I made several years ago, and I'm starting to pick back up some of the tools and routines that I dropped while John was here. It's like I just remembered that I know more about energy than I've been using, a sort of nice surprise, and I'm ready to start using those skills and information in my daily living.
Just a few minutes ago, for example, I knew that Scott was going to call me. Well, that's not exactly how it played out. I was working, thinking about work, when a new thought interrupted me, a thought about Scott and why he hadn't called me yet. About 60 seconds later, the phone rang and it was Scott. So it's not exactly that I knew Scott was about to call, but when the phone rang, I expected it to be Scott since I had just had a thought about him enter my head. I believe that I was hearing him thinking that he needed to call me.
In my latest tape, the suggestion was made that I start putting out intentions, setting desires in motion, so that when they happen, I can say "I knew that was going to happen just like that..." I really don't spend much energy on filling in what I want to happen in my life. There is no reason why I couldn't just start that now. There are plenty of things that I want, and maybe just the effort I spend invested in seeding the event will speed them towards me, and get me past some logical obstacles that seem to be between me and them. Like the fact that everywhere I drive, I keep seeing cute little apartment complexes. So what if I don't have enough of a down payment saved up for one... why not start putting out now that I will own one? Who knows how it will happen, that part doesn't matter. I just want to own one.
I slept 14 hours last night, and now that I'm awake, its the first time in more than a week that I haven't been exhausted. The bad news is that I lost a lot of time I should have been working on a client project. I'm still taking it easy this evening, taking a break to watch my favorite TV shows and then I'll be back up here, working until I'm too tired to go on. Same for tomorrow. I have a huge deadline on Monday that I have to make.
Otherwise, I've been watching how different some of my thoughts are these days. I'm much more willing to tell people what I'm thinking, more inclined to make confrontations instead of backing down or just not saying what is on my mind. These are good changes. I'm also tuned back into some realizations that I made several years ago, and I'm starting to pick back up some of the tools and routines that I dropped while John was here. It's like I just remembered that I know more about energy than I've been using, a sort of nice surprise, and I'm ready to start using those skills and information in my daily living.
Just a few minutes ago, for example, I knew that Scott was going to call me. Well, that's not exactly how it played out. I was working, thinking about work, when a new thought interrupted me, a thought about Scott and why he hadn't called me yet. About 60 seconds later, the phone rang and it was Scott. So it's not exactly that I knew Scott was about to call, but when the phone rang, I expected it to be Scott since I had just had a thought about him enter my head. I believe that I was hearing him thinking that he needed to call me.
In my latest tape, the suggestion was made that I start putting out intentions, setting desires in motion, so that when they happen, I can say "I knew that was going to happen just like that..." I really don't spend much energy on filling in what I want to happen in my life. There is no reason why I couldn't just start that now. There are plenty of things that I want, and maybe just the effort I spend invested in seeding the event will speed them towards me, and get me past some logical obstacles that seem to be between me and them. Like the fact that everywhere I drive, I keep seeing cute little apartment complexes. So what if I don't have enough of a down payment saved up for one... why not start putting out now that I will own one? Who knows how it will happen, that part doesn't matter. I just want to own one.
Wednesday, April 17, 2002
Dreams
I've been feeling so disconnected from myself, so unable to let out what I'm feeling, that I feel compelled to write about these dreams last night. There were many segments, that flowed together in a way that only makes sense in dreams.
Segment: Toolbox
I was walking around in a dimly lit street, in the twilight place that I often find myself whether dreaming or in a vision. The street was much like the one I grew up on, lined with huge trees, curving street, and full of people and cars parked on the sides. There was a bully, a man who was menacing people, and people were running to avoid him. I didn't run, but I did step aside a couple times to not be so obvious. But when he started to approach my area, I openned up my parked car and ignored him by being busy with things in the trunk. He came up to me and was threatening. I reached for my toolbox and let him know that I wasn't going to run away and that I wasn't afraid to stand my ground with him. I remember digging a bit in the toolbox, there were many tools within reach and I was looking for the right one. Someone else had come by, and he decided to attack her as she ran off. I gave chase, running after him with the selected tool. He disappeared as I ran through the neighborhood.
Segment: Couple Move Into School
One of the homes that was very well lit as I ran down the street had open doors and windows, with light streaming out. The rest of the houses were dark, or were closed up with faint light inside, so this one really stood out. I walked up towards the door and observed the people moving around. This was a school, where the ground floor was used for classroom space, and the upstairs was where the kids slept. While standing there, I was able to see into another house, at some distance, where a couple was living but had to leave. The woman showed up at the school now, and asked if they could take her and her husband in for the night. The kids talked and decided that they wanted the couple to move into the house with them, and the teacher thought that the couple would be given a maintenance room in the back to stay in, but the kids spoke up. They wanted the adults to have the bedroom upstairs. The couple was thrilled and grateful. It was a heartwarming site.
Segment: Killing Snakes
I found myself back inside my home, living with my family. That was not ideal. My parents had the idea that they would buy a house for my brother and me to live in, and I refused. I said that I would not live with him. Then, they said that they would purchase each of us a house. I remember being inside lots of houses, I don't know if I was shopping for a house or if all of these rooms were in the same house. It was typical dream houses, were walls are not straight, and rooms meander around in the twilight. I don't remember when I first spotted things moving on the floors, but I did. It seemed like they were dust bunnies come to life, but really, they were dust bunnies turning into snakes. I kept moving from room to room, but there were more and more of them. I reached for my toolbox again, and I pulled out a sort of modified hammer, the claw was thin, short and the gap between the claws was closed in, except for a small curve. The weight of the hammer was designed so that you struck with the modified claw, catching the snake in the curve, and the weight cut it in half. I was killing 5 or 6 snakes in each room, and moving on, only to discover that the halves were either disappearing or turning into smaller snakes. There were all kinds of snakes, also, coral, king, bull and rattlers. None of them bit me, and they didn't really try to get away from me. And they continued to appear almost out of thin air, starting very small and growing wider in seconds as I watched them.
When I woke up, I started thinking about my relationship to snakes, and snake medicine. In those first moments, I thought (mistakenly) that snake medicine was about transformation, and I was encouraged to have a snake dream during my diet plateau, taking the meaning as transformation of myself, and that the process was resuming. But now that I'm awake and writing this, snake medicine is transmutation, which is the ability to take in bad things and turn them into good things, or alchemy, the process of turning lead into gold. In my life these last few days especially, I'm surrounded by less than perfect things, and I am taking these tough things and turning them into pure gold in my life. Even though I am tired, I'm not letting all of this get to me. I've even reached the place where my diet plateau isn't getting to me, but rather that I accept this as part of the process, part of the rhythm of the experience. That has transmutation in it, also.
I've been feeling so disconnected from myself, so unable to let out what I'm feeling, that I feel compelled to write about these dreams last night. There were many segments, that flowed together in a way that only makes sense in dreams.
Segment: Toolbox
I was walking around in a dimly lit street, in the twilight place that I often find myself whether dreaming or in a vision. The street was much like the one I grew up on, lined with huge trees, curving street, and full of people and cars parked on the sides. There was a bully, a man who was menacing people, and people were running to avoid him. I didn't run, but I did step aside a couple times to not be so obvious. But when he started to approach my area, I openned up my parked car and ignored him by being busy with things in the trunk. He came up to me and was threatening. I reached for my toolbox and let him know that I wasn't going to run away and that I wasn't afraid to stand my ground with him. I remember digging a bit in the toolbox, there were many tools within reach and I was looking for the right one. Someone else had come by, and he decided to attack her as she ran off. I gave chase, running after him with the selected tool. He disappeared as I ran through the neighborhood.
Segment: Couple Move Into School
One of the homes that was very well lit as I ran down the street had open doors and windows, with light streaming out. The rest of the houses were dark, or were closed up with faint light inside, so this one really stood out. I walked up towards the door and observed the people moving around. This was a school, where the ground floor was used for classroom space, and the upstairs was where the kids slept. While standing there, I was able to see into another house, at some distance, where a couple was living but had to leave. The woman showed up at the school now, and asked if they could take her and her husband in for the night. The kids talked and decided that they wanted the couple to move into the house with them, and the teacher thought that the couple would be given a maintenance room in the back to stay in, but the kids spoke up. They wanted the adults to have the bedroom upstairs. The couple was thrilled and grateful. It was a heartwarming site.
Segment: Killing Snakes
I found myself back inside my home, living with my family. That was not ideal. My parents had the idea that they would buy a house for my brother and me to live in, and I refused. I said that I would not live with him. Then, they said that they would purchase each of us a house. I remember being inside lots of houses, I don't know if I was shopping for a house or if all of these rooms were in the same house. It was typical dream houses, were walls are not straight, and rooms meander around in the twilight. I don't remember when I first spotted things moving on the floors, but I did. It seemed like they were dust bunnies come to life, but really, they were dust bunnies turning into snakes. I kept moving from room to room, but there were more and more of them. I reached for my toolbox again, and I pulled out a sort of modified hammer, the claw was thin, short and the gap between the claws was closed in, except for a small curve. The weight of the hammer was designed so that you struck with the modified claw, catching the snake in the curve, and the weight cut it in half. I was killing 5 or 6 snakes in each room, and moving on, only to discover that the halves were either disappearing or turning into smaller snakes. There were all kinds of snakes, also, coral, king, bull and rattlers. None of them bit me, and they didn't really try to get away from me. And they continued to appear almost out of thin air, starting very small and growing wider in seconds as I watched them.
When I woke up, I started thinking about my relationship to snakes, and snake medicine. In those first moments, I thought (mistakenly) that snake medicine was about transformation, and I was encouraged to have a snake dream during my diet plateau, taking the meaning as transformation of myself, and that the process was resuming. But now that I'm awake and writing this, snake medicine is transmutation, which is the ability to take in bad things and turn them into good things, or alchemy, the process of turning lead into gold. In my life these last few days especially, I'm surrounded by less than perfect things, and I am taking these tough things and turning them into pure gold in my life. Even though I am tired, I'm not letting all of this get to me. I've even reached the place where my diet plateau isn't getting to me, but rather that I accept this as part of the process, part of the rhythm of the experience. That has transmutation in it, also.
Tuesday, April 16, 2002
Back On Track
I went to bed last night at 6:30 and set the alarm for 2 am. It worked. I've been up since 2 and I've gotten a lot of work done. I'm ready now to head out to my weekly meeting, but I know for sure that I'll be tired this afternoon. I'm hoping to stay up until about 9 and then sleep until about 5... putting me back on my early morning routine. At least that is my plan.
I posted an entry today on She's Not, and now I'm curious to see what kind of comments I get from it. I wrote about my Phoenix anniversary and some places to visit in Carefree/Cave Creek.
I still don't feel connected inside, even with the extra sleep. I really wanted to write here today, but can't find my voice.
I went to bed last night at 6:30 and set the alarm for 2 am. It worked. I've been up since 2 and I've gotten a lot of work done. I'm ready now to head out to my weekly meeting, but I know for sure that I'll be tired this afternoon. I'm hoping to stay up until about 9 and then sleep until about 5... putting me back on my early morning routine. At least that is my plan.
I posted an entry today on She's Not, and now I'm curious to see what kind of comments I get from it. I wrote about my Phoenix anniversary and some places to visit in Carefree/Cave Creek.
I still don't feel connected inside, even with the extra sleep. I really wanted to write here today, but can't find my voice.
Sunday, April 14, 2002
One Of Those Days
Since I've been up, I've played solitaire on the computer for an hour (I NEVER play computer games), had two baths, a nap, watched a Cher bio on TV and lost track of the rest of the hours. I was talking with someone on the phone, and two minutes into the call, someone arrived at their house and they had to hang up. I hung up and wept. I feel like I could eat a whole cheescake (if there was one in the house, that is). It's 90 degrees inside my house, so for the first time this year, I've just turned on the air conditioner to cool it back down to about 80 or so. I'm really, really out of sorts today, and struggling to pull myself together. If I didn't have so much work to do, I'd just go to bed and wake up tomorrow. Thank god days like this don't happen very often.
Since I've been up, I've played solitaire on the computer for an hour (I NEVER play computer games), had two baths, a nap, watched a Cher bio on TV and lost track of the rest of the hours. I was talking with someone on the phone, and two minutes into the call, someone arrived at their house and they had to hang up. I hung up and wept. I feel like I could eat a whole cheescake (if there was one in the house, that is). It's 90 degrees inside my house, so for the first time this year, I've just turned on the air conditioner to cool it back down to about 80 or so. I'm really, really out of sorts today, and struggling to pull myself together. If I didn't have so much work to do, I'd just go to bed and wake up tomorrow. Thank god days like this don't happen very often.
Thursday, April 11, 2002
Just Realized This
I came here and pulled up the page, not knowing what I was going to write, but knowing that my heart is full and writing would release my inner thoughts. I glanced at the last entry, and wham! it hit me. Last week, my former friend never said anything like "let's get together" or "let's talk." He has no intention of reconnecting with me. I let what Sangeet said to me influence my opinion of the evening. He made no indication that he wanted to restore things between us.
I'm OK with that... I certainly haven't been wanting to talk with him this week. It feels like he has really been edited out.
Pinch Me
What is this about? Yesterday, through a series of links and jumps through sites, I landed on Launch.com, and ended up locating some recent videos that I either liked, or I liked the song. One of these, Pinch Me, is a song that I really love. So, tonight, I'm playing the video over and over in the background, on a minimized window so I can hear while I'm typing. But I'm playing it over and over and over. I don't own this album -- I don't own any of their albums. I've not really wanted to. But I'm feeling like I want to have this music surrounding me tonight.
I know that sometimes I like to escape into music, slip into it so it fills my head and I can't hear my own mind chatter. Of course, most of the time my mind chatter isn't going... well, what I really mean is that most of the time the voice of the chatter is pretty soft. I think I have yoga and my spiritual explorations to thank for this. I am not mentally driven like I have been in years past. I like the silence. I don't like background voices. Except tonight.
It could be that I'm exhausted from my work schedule the last few days. No mystery there. Even the house tells me that I'm scattered... things are sitting around, not put away, and just generally cluttered up. I was going to pick up tonight, but I'm not in the mood, I'm tired and I'm just not in the mood. Tomorrow I'm going to sleep until I wake up, and then I'll be ready to attack my life again.
I came here and pulled up the page, not knowing what I was going to write, but knowing that my heart is full and writing would release my inner thoughts. I glanced at the last entry, and wham! it hit me. Last week, my former friend never said anything like "let's get together" or "let's talk." He has no intention of reconnecting with me. I let what Sangeet said to me influence my opinion of the evening. He made no indication that he wanted to restore things between us.
I'm OK with that... I certainly haven't been wanting to talk with him this week. It feels like he has really been edited out.
Pinch Me
What is this about? Yesterday, through a series of links and jumps through sites, I landed on Launch.com, and ended up locating some recent videos that I either liked, or I liked the song. One of these, Pinch Me, is a song that I really love. So, tonight, I'm playing the video over and over in the background, on a minimized window so I can hear while I'm typing. But I'm playing it over and over and over. I don't own this album -- I don't own any of their albums. I've not really wanted to. But I'm feeling like I want to have this music surrounding me tonight.
I know that sometimes I like to escape into music, slip into it so it fills my head and I can't hear my own mind chatter. Of course, most of the time my mind chatter isn't going... well, what I really mean is that most of the time the voice of the chatter is pretty soft. I think I have yoga and my spiritual explorations to thank for this. I am not mentally driven like I have been in years past. I like the silence. I don't like background voices. Except tonight.
It could be that I'm exhausted from my work schedule the last few days. No mystery there. Even the house tells me that I'm scattered... things are sitting around, not put away, and just generally cluttered up. I was going to pick up tonight, but I'm not in the mood, I'm tired and I'm just not in the mood. Tomorrow I'm going to sleep until I wake up, and then I'll be ready to attack my life again.
Thursday, April 04, 2002
Be Prepared For The Unexpected
Of course, it is impossible to anticipate surprises. I mean the real curve balls. I mean like having a person I've edited from my life show up in my yoga class, who took two busses to get there, and didn't know I would be there (I've not been going for a long time). I'm just glad I had worked through my anger before running right into him. I live in a city of nearly 3 million people. This guy lives 20 miles away, and doesn't drive. My yoga class is 10 miles from me, and must be 25 miles from him. What are the chances of this happening? Astronomical, right? But it did.
It went fine, and being kindhearted, I offered him a ride home. We stopped and ate dinner, too. I did tell him that a note from him explaining what was going on, would have been favorable to just disappearing and not returning my calls or email. I mean, even though he was going through a physical challenge (as I found out Tuesday night), he was still going to work nearly every day. An email was possible.
But since then, I haven't been excited to rediscover him in my life. I really did edit him out, and now, if he makes some effort, I could reincorporate him. But I've moved on without him. It's a trust thing.
Of course, it is impossible to anticipate surprises. I mean the real curve balls. I mean like having a person I've edited from my life show up in my yoga class, who took two busses to get there, and didn't know I would be there (I've not been going for a long time). I'm just glad I had worked through my anger before running right into him. I live in a city of nearly 3 million people. This guy lives 20 miles away, and doesn't drive. My yoga class is 10 miles from me, and must be 25 miles from him. What are the chances of this happening? Astronomical, right? But it did.
It went fine, and being kindhearted, I offered him a ride home. We stopped and ate dinner, too. I did tell him that a note from him explaining what was going on, would have been favorable to just disappearing and not returning my calls or email. I mean, even though he was going through a physical challenge (as I found out Tuesday night), he was still going to work nearly every day. An email was possible.
But since then, I haven't been excited to rediscover him in my life. I really did edit him out, and now, if he makes some effort, I could reincorporate him. But I've moved on without him. It's a trust thing.
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