What Do I Want To Do With My Life?
I had an interesting dinner with Kerrie last night. She gave me some well timed feedback, encouraging me to apply what I do for clients to making my own life work the way I want it to. In one moment, there was a bell struck in my heart. The moment was awkward because I felt revealed and naked in the middle of the restaurant. I don't know how this will turn out exactly, but I believe that I have the power and the insight to make my life over into what I really want. I may not know today what that is, even in this moment, but I have plenty of things that I know I DON'T want my life to be. I'm going to set aside some time, maybe starting tonight, to dream a little dream about what I want in my life. I'm going to do the work here, at least that is the plan.
Sunday, March 31, 2002
Wednesday, March 27, 2002
Taking Time For Myself
I've been working too much lately, I know this is true. I don't remember the last time I had a full day off. So, last night, when I found myself wanting to cry about some little something that started to go wrong, I knew I had to take today off. Fortunately, I didn't have any deadlines for today or tomorrow, so I could afford the time.
I went to bed early, and woke fairly late, getting about 10 hours of sleep. I felt better when I woke up than I have for days. I went into the bathroom, and decided that I would start cleaning the house in there. It's always good to start with a small project. It gives me a sense of accomplishment to see a whole room finished quickly. This room took about an hour, by the time I cleaned out the medicine cabinet and vanity, vacuumed, rehung the picture, etc. That accomplished, I decided my bedroom was next. I went in there, and laid across the bed while I came up with my strategy. That was the last thing I remember until after 2 pm. I slept more than 4 hours in an unscheduled nap. I just collapsed into sleep.
Since getting up, I've been more distracted, less focused, and a bit grumpy. I've got a short fuse today, and I didn't notice that when I first got up. I feel cranky around the edges. I fixed lunch, and have worked very slowly with lots of breaks. In fact, I'm working so slowly, that about 2 hours worth of work (sorting winter clothes for storage, picking out clothes that are too big to give away, washing windows, etc.) has been spread over the last 6 hours, and I'm not sure I'll be finished before bedtime. I'm getting less done than I hoped, but what is done sure feels good. Right now, I'm taking a break from cleaning the non-clothes part of the closet, including the shelves where I store my video collection, and I'm trying to figure out a better way to store them, a more space efficient way. I'm hoping to get the TV mounted this weekend, so it would be great to have the videos already organized.
I hadn't realized how long since my last entry here. I've been to dinner at Alice Coopers'town with Kevin, Andy, Casey and Ev, and talked with Michelle a few times. I've also spent a day at the State, a quite frustrating day, in fact, but one that ended well. I don't even want to start rethinking that situation right now. Remember, I'm cranky on the edges.
I had hoped to get my office in order today, but that isn't going to happen. Maybe I can take an afternoon later in the week and get that done. It really needs it. I really need an orderly work space again.
But in the meantime, my brain is filling up with creative ideas for redecorating and reorganizing the bedroom and office, and I've got a paint strategy in mind for the downstairs. It's good to see my creative side at work, even under these tough circumstances.
I've also got a strong pull towards an idea -- a sort of home decorating project book, a scrap book of sorts, and something that I could use when I'm shopping for new things. I'm going to set aside some time later this week to think about how to start that project. It feels very strong, and I think it will be very rewarding.
I've been working too much lately, I know this is true. I don't remember the last time I had a full day off. So, last night, when I found myself wanting to cry about some little something that started to go wrong, I knew I had to take today off. Fortunately, I didn't have any deadlines for today or tomorrow, so I could afford the time.
I went to bed early, and woke fairly late, getting about 10 hours of sleep. I felt better when I woke up than I have for days. I went into the bathroom, and decided that I would start cleaning the house in there. It's always good to start with a small project. It gives me a sense of accomplishment to see a whole room finished quickly. This room took about an hour, by the time I cleaned out the medicine cabinet and vanity, vacuumed, rehung the picture, etc. That accomplished, I decided my bedroom was next. I went in there, and laid across the bed while I came up with my strategy. That was the last thing I remember until after 2 pm. I slept more than 4 hours in an unscheduled nap. I just collapsed into sleep.
Since getting up, I've been more distracted, less focused, and a bit grumpy. I've got a short fuse today, and I didn't notice that when I first got up. I feel cranky around the edges. I fixed lunch, and have worked very slowly with lots of breaks. In fact, I'm working so slowly, that about 2 hours worth of work (sorting winter clothes for storage, picking out clothes that are too big to give away, washing windows, etc.) has been spread over the last 6 hours, and I'm not sure I'll be finished before bedtime. I'm getting less done than I hoped, but what is done sure feels good. Right now, I'm taking a break from cleaning the non-clothes part of the closet, including the shelves where I store my video collection, and I'm trying to figure out a better way to store them, a more space efficient way. I'm hoping to get the TV mounted this weekend, so it would be great to have the videos already organized.
I hadn't realized how long since my last entry here. I've been to dinner at Alice Coopers'town with Kevin, Andy, Casey and Ev, and talked with Michelle a few times. I've also spent a day at the State, a quite frustrating day, in fact, but one that ended well. I don't even want to start rethinking that situation right now. Remember, I'm cranky on the edges.
I had hoped to get my office in order today, but that isn't going to happen. Maybe I can take an afternoon later in the week and get that done. It really needs it. I really need an orderly work space again.
But in the meantime, my brain is filling up with creative ideas for redecorating and reorganizing the bedroom and office, and I've got a paint strategy in mind for the downstairs. It's good to see my creative side at work, even under these tough circumstances.
I've also got a strong pull towards an idea -- a sort of home decorating project book, a scrap book of sorts, and something that I could use when I'm shopping for new things. I'm going to set aside some time later this week to think about how to start that project. It feels very strong, and I think it will be very rewarding.
Friday, March 22, 2002
Quite A Different Day
My afternoon turned out quite differently than I had planned. My errands ran longer, and included some bad news from the certified letter. Maybe because of that, I took myself shopping for a couple of hours. I went to one of my favorite stores, located about 15 miles away, and discovered that they no longer carry fabrics! It was a odd thing for them to carry, but they had a wonderful selection and terrific prices! I will miss them, but I'm bummed that I didn't get to take advantage of the clearance that must have happend! Bummer.
Tonight, when I couldn't reach my parents (again), I called my sister, Michelle, and asked her about her last appointment with the surgeon. The second surgery has been postponed, maybe indefinitely. While we were talking, she told me that her computer won't go back online, that she spent 45 minutes with AOL technical support. The problem is the ancient modem in her 7 year old computer. SEVEN YEARS! While we were talking, I went out to Dell to see what kind of deals they had on refurbished ones. I wasn't planning to buy her one, but then, we found some deals that were too good to pass up. I ended up with a P4 1.4Ghz with Windows XP and a CD burner, for under $700. What a great deal! Then, as we talked, I also went to Iomega's site and found her an external 100Mb zip drive and some disks for under $100, and ordered them also. I wasn't planning to spend this money, and I wasn't really considering doing something nice for her. It was just one of those things. She is thrilled, and in shock. When I asked her if she wanted the system I had just described to her, she said that she couldn't afford it. And I pointed out that she wasn't answering the question I asked. She said that she will pay me something each month on it, and while that would be good, I'm not in an accounting frame of mind. It feels great to be able to do something that is relatively small on my end, and have it mean so much to someone else. Isn't that what makes the world go around? Being generous with what you have?
We calculated that she could have her new computer as soon as Wednesday, and should have both orders by Friday. Now, she is going to spend some time getting her files organized to move over to the other computer. Her monitor is also 7 years old, so I warned her that it will probably fail sometime soon. She is going to check with our parents to see if they have an extra monitor at their house, they both have upgraded their monitors recently. She will put her old computer in Andy's room, it is still good enough for him to use to write school papers and such, without Internet access. That will help him out, too. Although, I think he does all of that work at Grandma's computer!
I was going to shop up at the Abraham presentation tomorrow, but I've decided now that I will work instead, and I'll catch them in Sedona in a few months. But this time, I'll spend the night up there the night before, really make a weekend of it. During one of my breaks, I'm going to run over to Marshalls and purchase the wrought iron baker's rack that I've been looking at for weeks. I'm so amazed that it is still there. It will be great in my bedroom.
Oppps... there is the timer... my dinner is finished. That means I am finished writing for tonight.
My afternoon turned out quite differently than I had planned. My errands ran longer, and included some bad news from the certified letter. Maybe because of that, I took myself shopping for a couple of hours. I went to one of my favorite stores, located about 15 miles away, and discovered that they no longer carry fabrics! It was a odd thing for them to carry, but they had a wonderful selection and terrific prices! I will miss them, but I'm bummed that I didn't get to take advantage of the clearance that must have happend! Bummer.
Tonight, when I couldn't reach my parents (again), I called my sister, Michelle, and asked her about her last appointment with the surgeon. The second surgery has been postponed, maybe indefinitely. While we were talking, she told me that her computer won't go back online, that she spent 45 minutes with AOL technical support. The problem is the ancient modem in her 7 year old computer. SEVEN YEARS! While we were talking, I went out to Dell to see what kind of deals they had on refurbished ones. I wasn't planning to buy her one, but then, we found some deals that were too good to pass up. I ended up with a P4 1.4Ghz with Windows XP and a CD burner, for under $700. What a great deal! Then, as we talked, I also went to Iomega's site and found her an external 100Mb zip drive and some disks for under $100, and ordered them also. I wasn't planning to spend this money, and I wasn't really considering doing something nice for her. It was just one of those things. She is thrilled, and in shock. When I asked her if she wanted the system I had just described to her, she said that she couldn't afford it. And I pointed out that she wasn't answering the question I asked. She said that she will pay me something each month on it, and while that would be good, I'm not in an accounting frame of mind. It feels great to be able to do something that is relatively small on my end, and have it mean so much to someone else. Isn't that what makes the world go around? Being generous with what you have?
We calculated that she could have her new computer as soon as Wednesday, and should have both orders by Friday. Now, she is going to spend some time getting her files organized to move over to the other computer. Her monitor is also 7 years old, so I warned her that it will probably fail sometime soon. She is going to check with our parents to see if they have an extra monitor at their house, they both have upgraded their monitors recently. She will put her old computer in Andy's room, it is still good enough for him to use to write school papers and such, without Internet access. That will help him out, too. Although, I think he does all of that work at Grandma's computer!
I was going to shop up at the Abraham presentation tomorrow, but I've decided now that I will work instead, and I'll catch them in Sedona in a few months. But this time, I'll spend the night up there the night before, really make a weekend of it. During one of my breaks, I'm going to run over to Marshalls and purchase the wrought iron baker's rack that I've been looking at for weeks. I'm so amazed that it is still there. It will be great in my bedroom.
Oppps... there is the timer... my dinner is finished. That means I am finished writing for tonight.
Happy Morning
I slept in this morning. I heard the alarm going off for about two hours and didn't do much more than hit the snooze. What an annoying sleep experience that is, waking every 9 minutes to a horrific sound, making the effort to stop it, and then, having the cycle repeat over and over. I'll bet my neighbors might have hated it, also. (snickering) I must have been very tired to allow that to go on for so long.
I'm in a good mood today, in fact, I've been in a good mood for a couple of days now. There is a light breeze through the upstairs, and the birds outside my office doors are chirping sweetly. The scent of orange blossoms is in the air now, and that heady smell is a wonderful thing. Skooch is exploring under the desk, always looking for something new, something that moves, and something to do. The life of a cat.
I've got some errands to run around lunch time, and then back to my projects. The State's project is quite tedious right now, but it is also the most interested that it's been because the ambiquities are slipping away. I like the solidness of what is happening now more than the tentative structure I had been building up to this point.
I slept in this morning. I heard the alarm going off for about two hours and didn't do much more than hit the snooze. What an annoying sleep experience that is, waking every 9 minutes to a horrific sound, making the effort to stop it, and then, having the cycle repeat over and over. I'll bet my neighbors might have hated it, also. (snickering) I must have been very tired to allow that to go on for so long.
I'm in a good mood today, in fact, I've been in a good mood for a couple of days now. There is a light breeze through the upstairs, and the birds outside my office doors are chirping sweetly. The scent of orange blossoms is in the air now, and that heady smell is a wonderful thing. Skooch is exploring under the desk, always looking for something new, something that moves, and something to do. The life of a cat.
I've got some errands to run around lunch time, and then back to my projects. The State's project is quite tedious right now, but it is also the most interested that it's been because the ambiquities are slipping away. I like the solidness of what is happening now more than the tentative structure I had been building up to this point.
Thursday, March 21, 2002
Wednesday, March 20, 2002
What I Want
While I was driving home from Lowe's tonight, I was thinking about the idea that everyone treats us the way we ask them to treat us, based on how we feel about ourself. That is an enlightening remembrance, considering all of the social conflicts I've been facing lately. I started thinking about my neighbor situation, and realized that I LIKE the idea of a wall between us, because I think it keeps them on their side of the wall, in terms of noise, mostly. As long as they remain quiet, I don't really care why they are quiet. That was an interesting revelation. Of course, there is a way that I can soften my willingness-to-be-bitchy and still intend for them to respect my noise barrier. I just need to adjust my thinking a bit.
Today, Spartacus called about a possible new project, and it makes me laugh to realize what kind of energy I'm putting out. I must really want to make my financial goals this year! I'm sure manifesting the work, and the hourly rates, to make it. So in that area, I'm doing really really good.
What do I want? What do I believe?
I believe that I work with people who respect my contributions to projects. I work with people who recognize my skills and what I produce for them. I work with people who are willing to allow me to determine how to best approach and manage my own process while giving them the products that they desire. I work with people who feel lucky to have found someone with my skills, and who can easily sell my services within their organizations.
I believe that I am the kind of person that others see as a loyal friend. I have people in my life who respect my lifestyle and life choices, and give me the room to explore and discover my own path in life. I have people in my life who enjoy discussing ideas with me, and appreciate the places where we don't agree because those can often provide the most interesting conversations and provide both of us with the most insight into our own lives. I have people in my life who respond to my loyalty with their own loyalty, and don't allow a bit of time to create any separation in our friendship. Even when we are apart for a time, when we return, we pick up where we left off.
I believe that I am creating a lifestyle that supports the best of me. My lifestyle encourages and facilitates my health, well being, prosperity and creativity. My daily life provides me with a balance of good things, and my daily experiences help me to clarify what I like, what I want, and where I want to go next. My lifestyle supports my need for creative solitude, and allows for personal interactions that are meaningful, enjoyable and fun.
I believe that I am becoming more and more of the best I can be. I am courageously seeking out new experiences, new perspectives, and new landscapes that provide me with a growing sense of the diversity and unity of all life. I see the grandness in small details, and see the fine points of the horizon. My heart sings with each experience, even the sad ones, because it understands the importance of contrasts and the balance of experiences that result in the greatest life fulfillment.
I believe that this year is the time that I realize my healthy lifestyle. This year is the year that I expand my financial boundaries in ways that surprise even me. This year is the year that I settle into the realization that I have wonderful people in my life. This year is the year that my business takes off and takes me places I never expected. This year is the year that my first book is published, and I fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing my books on the shelves of bookstores across the country (and on Amazon.com).
This year is the year I look back on when I'm old, and see how the scales tipped towards the future, the critical mass was reached, and I step into the future that I've been dreaming about for my whole life.
While I was driving home from Lowe's tonight, I was thinking about the idea that everyone treats us the way we ask them to treat us, based on how we feel about ourself. That is an enlightening remembrance, considering all of the social conflicts I've been facing lately. I started thinking about my neighbor situation, and realized that I LIKE the idea of a wall between us, because I think it keeps them on their side of the wall, in terms of noise, mostly. As long as they remain quiet, I don't really care why they are quiet. That was an interesting revelation. Of course, there is a way that I can soften my willingness-to-be-bitchy and still intend for them to respect my noise barrier. I just need to adjust my thinking a bit.
Today, Spartacus called about a possible new project, and it makes me laugh to realize what kind of energy I'm putting out. I must really want to make my financial goals this year! I'm sure manifesting the work, and the hourly rates, to make it. So in that area, I'm doing really really good.
What do I want? What do I believe?
I believe that I work with people who respect my contributions to projects. I work with people who recognize my skills and what I produce for them. I work with people who are willing to allow me to determine how to best approach and manage my own process while giving them the products that they desire. I work with people who feel lucky to have found someone with my skills, and who can easily sell my services within their organizations.
I believe that I am the kind of person that others see as a loyal friend. I have people in my life who respect my lifestyle and life choices, and give me the room to explore and discover my own path in life. I have people in my life who enjoy discussing ideas with me, and appreciate the places where we don't agree because those can often provide the most interesting conversations and provide both of us with the most insight into our own lives. I have people in my life who respond to my loyalty with their own loyalty, and don't allow a bit of time to create any separation in our friendship. Even when we are apart for a time, when we return, we pick up where we left off.
I believe that I am creating a lifestyle that supports the best of me. My lifestyle encourages and facilitates my health, well being, prosperity and creativity. My daily life provides me with a balance of good things, and my daily experiences help me to clarify what I like, what I want, and where I want to go next. My lifestyle supports my need for creative solitude, and allows for personal interactions that are meaningful, enjoyable and fun.
I believe that I am becoming more and more of the best I can be. I am courageously seeking out new experiences, new perspectives, and new landscapes that provide me with a growing sense of the diversity and unity of all life. I see the grandness in small details, and see the fine points of the horizon. My heart sings with each experience, even the sad ones, because it understands the importance of contrasts and the balance of experiences that result in the greatest life fulfillment.
I believe that this year is the time that I realize my healthy lifestyle. This year is the year that I expand my financial boundaries in ways that surprise even me. This year is the year that I settle into the realization that I have wonderful people in my life. This year is the year that my business takes off and takes me places I never expected. This year is the year that my first book is published, and I fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing my books on the shelves of bookstores across the country (and on Amazon.com).
This year is the year I look back on when I'm old, and see how the scales tipped towards the future, the critical mass was reached, and I step into the future that I've been dreaming about for my whole life.
Tuesday, March 19, 2002
Charting A Course Through Choppy Water
I'm feeling empty inside today. It started off to be a great day, but when things got ugly at the State, it wore me out. I thought for a few minutes that I was going to resign on the spot, and my heart sank a bit. That sinking feeling didn't really leave me. When I got home, I was exhausted, and instead of a short recharge nap, I slept for 3 hours. Now, I'm behind in things I promised to delivery yesterday, and I'm up late tonight, unable to get to sleep, meaning that tomorrow morning is looking shakey as well.
To add to this, the cleaners are coming in the morning, and I'm not really ready for them. And I have another ceritified letter from the IRS to pick up tomorrow, the third one in three months.
I stopped by the neighbors tonight to thank her for checking on me, and she was so obviously hateful towards me that I started to tear up. I stopped to thank her, and got more abuse instead. So much for acknowledging someone else.
Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I had a short conversation with Reg tonight, and while he seemed distracted, he also seemed unwilling to talk to me. Combining these two neighbor things, I'm feeling a bit unloved in my neighborhood tonight. Like I really care. I know this is more about my heart sinking earlier in the day, and less about my neighbors and what they may or may not think of me.
Then, I got a call from Bob who has more work for me, and I don't even have the time to call him back for another almost two days. I'm swamped right now. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with what has to be done, and I'm feeling a bit like a wrung out sponge.
So much for my reality. How can I fix this?
For starters, the theme seems to be accountability between all of these things. In truth, I don't mind being accountable to people for the end products I deliver to them, but I do balk at being accountable in the process. I like having the freedom to chart my own course between start and finish, and since the clients give me the finish, I think it makes for a good blend. I find out what they want, and I figure out how to deliver it. Another kind of accountability, progress on a project plan, is also not an issue for me. I don't mind providing regular status reports, in fact, I find them quite helpful in the larger scheme of things. I offer them to clients every time, even though most of them don't want to be bothered by them. Mark has now changed his mind, and has given me a format to use, and it seems to be as good a format as any I have sitting around. No problem there.
This financial accountability has been rough on me lately, only because the amount I've owed is extraordinary. But I've also figured out what I did wrong, and I won't make that mistake again. I don't mind paying my taxes, I don't mind giving them what I've set aside to give them. I just wish they would make up their mind about how much that is, instead of keeping coming back to me wanting more, more, more. I wonder what that is about... do I feel that what is expected of me is unreasonable? Have I invited this situation just by feeling it is unreasonable? That is something to think about.
I got an email from Kathleen that she is changing careers. Interesting timing, considering that I'm also thinking about doing the same thing. I can see where her news fits exactly into my world right now. So far, the law of attraction, which I know is infalable, is working 100%.
So why am I drawing in so much sadness, so much discomfort, into my life right now? This is not normal for me, I usually am sailing along. I did learn recently how important it is to allow interrupts and times like this happen, about how a taste of something unwanted really helps to clarify what is wanted, especially since what I want changes so much over time. So while this time hasn't been exactly FUN for me, I do believe that I'm growing a lot right now, and that as the changes get made and things smooth back out, I will be happy to have gone through this choppy water time.
I can see choppy water happening in my food choices, too.
So, how does a person who understands the law of attraction work with a time like this? What is the best strategy for handling sadness, unwanted things, and recurring unpleasantries in my life? I'm going to start tomorrow in my writing, talking more about what I see I want as a result of these things, and less about what these things really are.. less about the reality of daily living and more about the dreams that I'm spinning in my heart because of reality.
Good idea.
I'm feeling empty inside today. It started off to be a great day, but when things got ugly at the State, it wore me out. I thought for a few minutes that I was going to resign on the spot, and my heart sank a bit. That sinking feeling didn't really leave me. When I got home, I was exhausted, and instead of a short recharge nap, I slept for 3 hours. Now, I'm behind in things I promised to delivery yesterday, and I'm up late tonight, unable to get to sleep, meaning that tomorrow morning is looking shakey as well.
To add to this, the cleaners are coming in the morning, and I'm not really ready for them. And I have another ceritified letter from the IRS to pick up tomorrow, the third one in three months.
I stopped by the neighbors tonight to thank her for checking on me, and she was so obviously hateful towards me that I started to tear up. I stopped to thank her, and got more abuse instead. So much for acknowledging someone else.
Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I had a short conversation with Reg tonight, and while he seemed distracted, he also seemed unwilling to talk to me. Combining these two neighbor things, I'm feeling a bit unloved in my neighborhood tonight. Like I really care. I know this is more about my heart sinking earlier in the day, and less about my neighbors and what they may or may not think of me.
Then, I got a call from Bob who has more work for me, and I don't even have the time to call him back for another almost two days. I'm swamped right now. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with what has to be done, and I'm feeling a bit like a wrung out sponge.
So much for my reality. How can I fix this?
For starters, the theme seems to be accountability between all of these things. In truth, I don't mind being accountable to people for the end products I deliver to them, but I do balk at being accountable in the process. I like having the freedom to chart my own course between start and finish, and since the clients give me the finish, I think it makes for a good blend. I find out what they want, and I figure out how to deliver it. Another kind of accountability, progress on a project plan, is also not an issue for me. I don't mind providing regular status reports, in fact, I find them quite helpful in the larger scheme of things. I offer them to clients every time, even though most of them don't want to be bothered by them. Mark has now changed his mind, and has given me a format to use, and it seems to be as good a format as any I have sitting around. No problem there.
This financial accountability has been rough on me lately, only because the amount I've owed is extraordinary. But I've also figured out what I did wrong, and I won't make that mistake again. I don't mind paying my taxes, I don't mind giving them what I've set aside to give them. I just wish they would make up their mind about how much that is, instead of keeping coming back to me wanting more, more, more. I wonder what that is about... do I feel that what is expected of me is unreasonable? Have I invited this situation just by feeling it is unreasonable? That is something to think about.
I got an email from Kathleen that she is changing careers. Interesting timing, considering that I'm also thinking about doing the same thing. I can see where her news fits exactly into my world right now. So far, the law of attraction, which I know is infalable, is working 100%.
So why am I drawing in so much sadness, so much discomfort, into my life right now? This is not normal for me, I usually am sailing along. I did learn recently how important it is to allow interrupts and times like this happen, about how a taste of something unwanted really helps to clarify what is wanted, especially since what I want changes so much over time. So while this time hasn't been exactly FUN for me, I do believe that I'm growing a lot right now, and that as the changes get made and things smooth back out, I will be happy to have gone through this choppy water time.
I can see choppy water happening in my food choices, too.
So, how does a person who understands the law of attraction work with a time like this? What is the best strategy for handling sadness, unwanted things, and recurring unpleasantries in my life? I'm going to start tomorrow in my writing, talking more about what I see I want as a result of these things, and less about what these things really are.. less about the reality of daily living and more about the dreams that I'm spinning in my heart because of reality.
Good idea.
Changing Careers?
For the last several weeks, I've been asking myself some big questions, and really wanting to get at the heart of what is bothering me. The one area I've not touched on much is work, but some interesting things have been happening related to work. When I was working on framing my prints on Saturday, I had the strangest sense that I was going to be covering more stretchers with canvas in my future. I've always had art in my life, and at one point, wanted to study art in college. I ended up choosing more practical things. I don't have any regrets, I have had a rewarding professional life, and for the most part, I do enjoy my work.
But I have always dreamt of having a career that involved art. For a time, I thought my beadwork might be the ticket. I've certainly thrown myself into the art-like projects in my home. I've been content to have art as my hobby. Last week, I took my visitors to see the studio of my favorite artists in Phoenix, and I loved seeing her setup, her easel, and seeing the things she had in progress. She works on her projects while her shop is empty, she has a great balance between meeting the public and doing her art. I have always had a fantasy about living a Georgia O'Keefe life, moving to rural northwest New Mexico and painting. I met a woman on Saturday who lived there, and whose husband was part of the artist colony there, and she knew Georgia. I have made plans to meet with her tonight.
In my meeting yesterday, I met a man who is enrolled in the Interior Design program at Scottsdale Community College. He shared with me his projects and the types of classes he is taking. It sounds wonderful. I had been thinking that maybe, just maybe, I should check out their classes, perhaps take a few, and shop in their bookstore.
All of these things coming together are telling me that I need to be exploring art options in my life. I don't know where this is going to lead me, and I don't have any real ideas about what direction I would like to take. I am just exploring the new and fascinating ideas that are appearing in my daily life, and I trust that this voyage of discovery will enrich my life in ways that I can't imagine today.
My heart and soul need to have the outlet of creative expression more than I've been allowing. I'm deeply moved by visuals, I need bright colors around me, things of beauty. That is why I've got this huge list of redecorating projects in my head, and why I'm constantly moving things around, painting rooms, and dreaming of what my space could become. I am really excited about this change.
For the last several weeks, I've been asking myself some big questions, and really wanting to get at the heart of what is bothering me. The one area I've not touched on much is work, but some interesting things have been happening related to work. When I was working on framing my prints on Saturday, I had the strangest sense that I was going to be covering more stretchers with canvas in my future. I've always had art in my life, and at one point, wanted to study art in college. I ended up choosing more practical things. I don't have any regrets, I have had a rewarding professional life, and for the most part, I do enjoy my work.
But I have always dreamt of having a career that involved art. For a time, I thought my beadwork might be the ticket. I've certainly thrown myself into the art-like projects in my home. I've been content to have art as my hobby. Last week, I took my visitors to see the studio of my favorite artists in Phoenix, and I loved seeing her setup, her easel, and seeing the things she had in progress. She works on her projects while her shop is empty, she has a great balance between meeting the public and doing her art. I have always had a fantasy about living a Georgia O'Keefe life, moving to rural northwest New Mexico and painting. I met a woman on Saturday who lived there, and whose husband was part of the artist colony there, and she knew Georgia. I have made plans to meet with her tonight.
In my meeting yesterday, I met a man who is enrolled in the Interior Design program at Scottsdale Community College. He shared with me his projects and the types of classes he is taking. It sounds wonderful. I had been thinking that maybe, just maybe, I should check out their classes, perhaps take a few, and shop in their bookstore.
All of these things coming together are telling me that I need to be exploring art options in my life. I don't know where this is going to lead me, and I don't have any real ideas about what direction I would like to take. I am just exploring the new and fascinating ideas that are appearing in my daily life, and I trust that this voyage of discovery will enrich my life in ways that I can't imagine today.
My heart and soul need to have the outlet of creative expression more than I've been allowing. I'm deeply moved by visuals, I need bright colors around me, things of beauty. That is why I've got this huge list of redecorating projects in my head, and why I'm constantly moving things around, painting rooms, and dreaming of what my space could become. I am really excited about this change.
Sunday, March 17, 2002
Saturday Projects
I took off Saturday to do some personal projects and run some errands that have been just waiting around the house.
Ottoman
I recently purchased a metal frame that I thought would make a perfect ottoman for the living room. I measured the opening so I could get lumber cut. I didn't like the antiqued metal finish, but I love the scrolling metalwork, so I decided that I would add some silver foil to make it match the lamp. I had thought about covering it with the same fabric as the cornices, and while that might be a good idea, because I'm still shopping for that fabric, it meant I couldn't finish my project in a day. So instead, I decided to use some of the leopard print that I've had around for a while. I can always recover it later. I used the high density foam I had purchased to cover the rush seats of the dining room chairs, using two layers to give me 4 inches. I recently found a metal tray with the same scrolling metal as the firewood bin, but whitewashed, and that will sit on the top to hold things. It can hold a plate for dinner, glasses, or reading materials.
Cutting the foam was the hardest part, and it shredded everywhere. But after that was done, I used batting to attach the foam to the board, and the separately covered it with the leopard. Once the leopard was on, the original finish looked quite nice, so I used the foil for a different project. It's a little low, and in the wrong location, it blocks the remote access to the cable box, but these small things aside, the project is a huge success. I think the total price is about $35.
Tray
The tray goes on top of the ottoman to give it a hard surface. I want to line the inside with cork. It turns out that Home Depot doesn't carry sheets of this, which I find amazing. Maybe I'll try again later. The guys I spoke with said to try Office Max. Not a bad idea, but hardly the place I would have thought to carry such a thing. More on this later.
Holman Carter Art Prints
I hate to admit how long these prints have been taped to the wall. I didn't want to spend the money for framing, and besides, I wanted a less formal look. So I had decided a while back to mount them on canvas over stretchers, and then paint the sides of the canvas to pull it together, and add the brushstrokes to the top to make it look like a canvas I just finished. HA HA HA I got the stretchers for the three prints, the main one with two side prints. I got primed canvas so the glue would easily adhere. It was tougher than I thought to stretch the canvas to the stretchers, and after I was further along in the project, I had this nagging thought that the canvas was supposed to be wet so it would really stretch, but it was too late. I also had this other thought going through my head "I'm stretching my first canvas..." and a sense that I would be doing this a lot in the future. I would like that.
I used this gel to adhere the prints to the canvas, and I was disappointed to realize that the canvas area isn't exactly the measurements. So while the prints are cut exactly, they overhang the canvas in places, and some of the canvas shows. When they were wet, there was puckering that has thankfully gone away. I'm going to wait to do the brushstrokes until a day when I have a block of time to experiment with it.
Office Clock
I found this beautiful clock for my office with crooked hands and great styled numbers. There is a natural wood frame around the outside, and the clock face is attached to the wooden frame with some metal trimwork. The metal is an aged silver look that I didn't care for, so I've started adding the silver foil to it. Because it is wire mostly, it is a bit harder than a flat surface, and there are a couple of places that need a touch up. But overall, I really like the look. I am planning to put it in the office later today.
I took off Saturday to do some personal projects and run some errands that have been just waiting around the house.
Ottoman
I recently purchased a metal frame that I thought would make a perfect ottoman for the living room. I measured the opening so I could get lumber cut. I didn't like the antiqued metal finish, but I love the scrolling metalwork, so I decided that I would add some silver foil to make it match the lamp. I had thought about covering it with the same fabric as the cornices, and while that might be a good idea, because I'm still shopping for that fabric, it meant I couldn't finish my project in a day. So instead, I decided to use some of the leopard print that I've had around for a while. I can always recover it later. I used the high density foam I had purchased to cover the rush seats of the dining room chairs, using two layers to give me 4 inches. I recently found a metal tray with the same scrolling metal as the firewood bin, but whitewashed, and that will sit on the top to hold things. It can hold a plate for dinner, glasses, or reading materials.
Cutting the foam was the hardest part, and it shredded everywhere. But after that was done, I used batting to attach the foam to the board, and the separately covered it with the leopard. Once the leopard was on, the original finish looked quite nice, so I used the foil for a different project. It's a little low, and in the wrong location, it blocks the remote access to the cable box, but these small things aside, the project is a huge success. I think the total price is about $35.
Tray
The tray goes on top of the ottoman to give it a hard surface. I want to line the inside with cork. It turns out that Home Depot doesn't carry sheets of this, which I find amazing. Maybe I'll try again later. The guys I spoke with said to try Office Max. Not a bad idea, but hardly the place I would have thought to carry such a thing. More on this later.
Holman Carter Art Prints
I hate to admit how long these prints have been taped to the wall. I didn't want to spend the money for framing, and besides, I wanted a less formal look. So I had decided a while back to mount them on canvas over stretchers, and then paint the sides of the canvas to pull it together, and add the brushstrokes to the top to make it look like a canvas I just finished. HA HA HA I got the stretchers for the three prints, the main one with two side prints. I got primed canvas so the glue would easily adhere. It was tougher than I thought to stretch the canvas to the stretchers, and after I was further along in the project, I had this nagging thought that the canvas was supposed to be wet so it would really stretch, but it was too late. I also had this other thought going through my head "I'm stretching my first canvas..." and a sense that I would be doing this a lot in the future. I would like that.
I used this gel to adhere the prints to the canvas, and I was disappointed to realize that the canvas area isn't exactly the measurements. So while the prints are cut exactly, they overhang the canvas in places, and some of the canvas shows. When they were wet, there was puckering that has thankfully gone away. I'm going to wait to do the brushstrokes until a day when I have a block of time to experiment with it.
Office Clock
I found this beautiful clock for my office with crooked hands and great styled numbers. There is a natural wood frame around the outside, and the clock face is attached to the wooden frame with some metal trimwork. The metal is an aged silver look that I didn't care for, so I've started adding the silver foil to it. Because it is wire mostly, it is a bit harder than a flat surface, and there are a couple of places that need a touch up. But overall, I really like the look. I am planning to put it in the office later today.
Wednesday, March 13, 2002
Total Freakout
Again, another story that is too painful to relive long enough to write about. I really got angry last night, screaming and crying, really freaking out. Nothing really happened to trigger it, just a bit of frustration added to the top of the pile of frustration that has been my life lately. It was the proverbial straw that broke this hormonaly challenged, work wearied back. When I was done, I slept for more than 12 hours. I'm still feeling tired today, burn out rather than physically tired. My head hurts. My eyes are sunken into my face. Did I mention that one of my neighbors came over to see if I was OK? Talk about humiliating. [Note to self: next time you want to start a maniacal crazed screaming match, remember to close ALL of the windows. Even the ones upstairs. And try screaming into a pillow. The neighbors will thank you.]
Part of me is scared by all of the anger that is coming out of me lately. Another part is still calm and knows that everything is really OK. I talked with Beth a bit this afternoon. I had to confess to someone, and she understands. She also pointed out all of the stressors in my life. I know that fear has been a big part of my decision making in life, and something that I have been consciously working to remove for many years now. I'm not sure what is behind this anger, but I would guess it is fear. Anger is always a mask for something else, something deeper. I'm determined to get to the heart of this.
Again, another story that is too painful to relive long enough to write about. I really got angry last night, screaming and crying, really freaking out. Nothing really happened to trigger it, just a bit of frustration added to the top of the pile of frustration that has been my life lately. It was the proverbial straw that broke this hormonaly challenged, work wearied back. When I was done, I slept for more than 12 hours. I'm still feeling tired today, burn out rather than physically tired. My head hurts. My eyes are sunken into my face. Did I mention that one of my neighbors came over to see if I was OK? Talk about humiliating. [Note to self: next time you want to start a maniacal crazed screaming match, remember to close ALL of the windows. Even the ones upstairs. And try screaming into a pillow. The neighbors will thank you.]
Part of me is scared by all of the anger that is coming out of me lately. Another part is still calm and knows that everything is really OK. I talked with Beth a bit this afternoon. I had to confess to someone, and she understands. She also pointed out all of the stressors in my life. I know that fear has been a big part of my decision making in life, and something that I have been consciously working to remove for many years now. I'm not sure what is behind this anger, but I would guess it is fear. Anger is always a mask for something else, something deeper. I'm determined to get to the heart of this.
Tuesday, March 12, 2002
A Letter To A Friend
Today, I found myself with a slot of time that was suddenly mine. I wrote this response to a friend's email, and decided that I needed to include it here.
----------------------------
I've had a most amazing couple of days, and this morning is no exception. I met two client deadlines on Monday, and had a third deadline this morning that I could not make. I had to be at the State offices for our staff meeting at 9:30, and I was prepared to fake them out a bit, hoping that just by being there, I could postpone the actual delivery of the documents that are not finished (three of them). When I arrived, it turned out that the meeting was cancelled, and everyone forgot to tell me yesterday. But rather than being upset that I had driven so far for nothing, I was THRILLED to be able to walk away, knowing that I have until Friday now to make that deadline. I joking keep saying to myself "there is a God and He loves me..." that is how thrilled I am. I take my deadlines very seriously, and even though I was doing my best, it just wasn't enough to make all three deadlines.
You know that I didn't work a few months at the end of last year. Did I also tell you that I was audited by our IRS and found in January that I owed an additional $5K? Those two things have cleaned out my savings! I really need the income now to rebuild, so I'm grateful to have so much work. I'm just exhausted because of the bad timing -- all clients had almost identical deadlines, and my brother's trip, a business trip with a few days of leisure added, was right in the midst of it. I'm so glad the crunch is over.
Today, I get back a one of the client projects after they have done a technical review, and send it on to my editor for a grammar review tonight. The actual final delivery is tomorrow. It's a training manual, and the class will be held on Friday!
Later this week, I will get back another client's user manual with some technical review comments, and then by Friday deliver the final version of that manual. The training classes for that manual start on Monday.
The State's project is ongoing, and my project manager is so disorganized that I don't have any set deadlines, just whatever he decides to ask for, whenever he says he wants it. I went to the trouble to make up a project plan, which he reviewed, said was great, and then said, "but don't use this, just do what I need when I need it." In other words, this man is totally unorganized and isn't even able to follow a plan that I created, much less create one of his own. It makes my life more dangerous because I never know what is expected of me. If I had other steady work, I would quit this man in a heartbeat, but given my need for income, and my ability to follow my own plan (:-) I hope to anticipate the major chunks of work. It's not a perfect situation, but I do get paid weekly. And they are paying my taxes for me, which means I make less each week, but the IRS is constantly receiving timely payments from me, keeping me from running up a huge payment for this tax year. I might even get a tax return!
On a personal level, I'm tired and that flavors everything. I'm not discouraged, but I'm not my usual happy self, either. When I feel myself starting to get frustrated, or angry, or even sad, I can stop myself and postpone the emotion until I've had a good night's sleep. 9 times out of 10, the entire situation looks very different in the morning, and the other time, well, a girl has to cry once in a while.
I'm going through a lonely time, Alan. I really noticed it around my birthday when I realized that no one knew about my birthday and I didn't have anyone to celebrate with. It's been a tough year for friends... it seems like almost all of them have moved on, moved away, or just aren't available. To top it off, I felt not appreciated by my brother and his wife, mostly by her. I sacrificed a lot to spend time with them, drove them all over, driving almost 1000 miles in 6 days, taking them sightseeing, shopping, to dinner, etc. I did it because I wanted to, because I enjoyed having people to do things with. But I was treated like a chauffer. I kept asking them about their lives, how are doing, what they like best, what they are dreaming about... meaningful conversation. But they never asked me about me or my life. I don't think they know one bit more about me than they did before.
What is hard for me is that I give out a lot to people. Not because I have to, but because I want to. You have seen my journal website, and my diet website, both with newsletters. I know that people connect with what I'm doing, and that what I write touches their lives. I'm humbled and honored by that, and feel that my life is more worthwhile because I am touching people. I don't expect any of those people to reach back to me, to ask me how I am, etc. But I do need to have good people in my life, people who know me, people who care about me, people I can talk to. I have had that until the last year, and now I don't have that. I'm sure it will come back, life is full of ebb and flow. But the tide is out, and I'm feeling very alone these days, and unable to shake that feeling.
Today, I found myself with a slot of time that was suddenly mine. I wrote this response to a friend's email, and decided that I needed to include it here.
----------------------------
I've had a most amazing couple of days, and this morning is no exception. I met two client deadlines on Monday, and had a third deadline this morning that I could not make. I had to be at the State offices for our staff meeting at 9:30, and I was prepared to fake them out a bit, hoping that just by being there, I could postpone the actual delivery of the documents that are not finished (three of them). When I arrived, it turned out that the meeting was cancelled, and everyone forgot to tell me yesterday. But rather than being upset that I had driven so far for nothing, I was THRILLED to be able to walk away, knowing that I have until Friday now to make that deadline. I joking keep saying to myself "there is a God and He loves me..." that is how thrilled I am. I take my deadlines very seriously, and even though I was doing my best, it just wasn't enough to make all three deadlines.
You know that I didn't work a few months at the end of last year. Did I also tell you that I was audited by our IRS and found in January that I owed an additional $5K? Those two things have cleaned out my savings! I really need the income now to rebuild, so I'm grateful to have so much work. I'm just exhausted because of the bad timing -- all clients had almost identical deadlines, and my brother's trip, a business trip with a few days of leisure added, was right in the midst of it. I'm so glad the crunch is over.
Today, I get back a one of the client projects after they have done a technical review, and send it on to my editor for a grammar review tonight. The actual final delivery is tomorrow. It's a training manual, and the class will be held on Friday!
Later this week, I will get back another client's user manual with some technical review comments, and then by Friday deliver the final version of that manual. The training classes for that manual start on Monday.
The State's project is ongoing, and my project manager is so disorganized that I don't have any set deadlines, just whatever he decides to ask for, whenever he says he wants it. I went to the trouble to make up a project plan, which he reviewed, said was great, and then said, "but don't use this, just do what I need when I need it." In other words, this man is totally unorganized and isn't even able to follow a plan that I created, much less create one of his own. It makes my life more dangerous because I never know what is expected of me. If I had other steady work, I would quit this man in a heartbeat, but given my need for income, and my ability to follow my own plan (:-) I hope to anticipate the major chunks of work. It's not a perfect situation, but I do get paid weekly. And they are paying my taxes for me, which means I make less each week, but the IRS is constantly receiving timely payments from me, keeping me from running up a huge payment for this tax year. I might even get a tax return!
On a personal level, I'm tired and that flavors everything. I'm not discouraged, but I'm not my usual happy self, either. When I feel myself starting to get frustrated, or angry, or even sad, I can stop myself and postpone the emotion until I've had a good night's sleep. 9 times out of 10, the entire situation looks very different in the morning, and the other time, well, a girl has to cry once in a while.
I'm going through a lonely time, Alan. I really noticed it around my birthday when I realized that no one knew about my birthday and I didn't have anyone to celebrate with. It's been a tough year for friends... it seems like almost all of them have moved on, moved away, or just aren't available. To top it off, I felt not appreciated by my brother and his wife, mostly by her. I sacrificed a lot to spend time with them, drove them all over, driving almost 1000 miles in 6 days, taking them sightseeing, shopping, to dinner, etc. I did it because I wanted to, because I enjoyed having people to do things with. But I was treated like a chauffer. I kept asking them about their lives, how are doing, what they like best, what they are dreaming about... meaningful conversation. But they never asked me about me or my life. I don't think they know one bit more about me than they did before.
What is hard for me is that I give out a lot to people. Not because I have to, but because I want to. You have seen my journal website, and my diet website, both with newsletters. I know that people connect with what I'm doing, and that what I write touches their lives. I'm humbled and honored by that, and feel that my life is more worthwhile because I am touching people. I don't expect any of those people to reach back to me, to ask me how I am, etc. But I do need to have good people in my life, people who know me, people who care about me, people I can talk to. I have had that until the last year, and now I don't have that. I'm sure it will come back, life is full of ebb and flow. But the tide is out, and I'm feeling very alone these days, and unable to shake that feeling.
Monday, March 11, 2002
Still Tired
I've just delivered my second manual for my second and third clients, and I meet with the first one tomorrow morning. I'm tired, I'm feeling cranky, and I just want to go to bed. I wanted to keep my promise to myself to write tonight about all that is going on, but I think I will take better care of myself if I go to sleep now and write later. Maybe in the morning.
I've just delivered my second manual for my second and third clients, and I meet with the first one tomorrow morning. I'm tired, I'm feeling cranky, and I just want to go to bed. I wanted to keep my promise to myself to write tonight about all that is going on, but I think I will take better care of myself if I go to sleep now and write later. Maybe in the morning.
Sunday, March 10, 2002
Saturday, March 09, 2002
What Am I Really Wanting?
I'm starting to get tired of writing about my own sadness. Late this afternoon, after the shopping was finished and we were planning dinner and the evening, I brought up again my idea for having them hang out at my place and either cook or order dinner. I had mentioned this yesterday, and didn't get any real response. Today, I found out why. They have wanted to spend the evening alone. In theory, I didn't have any problem with this, but I found myself in tears, and holding back the sobs -- trying to avoid being caught expression such strong emotions. I didn't want them to change their plans just because of me... their plans are important. I was just suddenly feeling very left out, very much alone. I just wanted to have one evening where they hung out with me. I just wanted one night of laughter and talking inside my house, my very empty house. I know it isn't too much to ask. And it also isn't too much for me to let go of. It ended up that we went to dinner together, and separated early. I cried on the way home, my heart heavy. I felt like I had sacrificed so much for them this week, not only taking all of the time off work, but driving them everywhere, all day every day, exhausted and paying for my own gas, at that. I drove over 1000 miles, and I still have the long trip to the airport tomorrow. It was the only thing that I really wanted to have happen. And its not the end of the world. But I do feel very disappointed, and alone.
I was just a tool to help them have fun this week. I wasn't an important part of their experience. I see that now. And it makes me feel more alone than ever. I just want to feel like there are people in the world who give a damn whether I live or die, not based on how inconvenient it would be for them either way, but just for me.
For the life of me, I can't figure out why this is so important to me at this time, and why I haven't been bothered by all of this in the many years before. I feel like I've learned a lesson from this trip, that like my sister, my brother is really only concerned about his own life. My life doesn't fit into the formula, not even for a short break like this. I'm not sure what I really want or expect from anyone. I just want a moment in time where I can see and feel that someone cares. Anyone. For a moment. I certainly don't expect to be on his mind while he is going about his own life. What I see now is that he doesn't really extend his world to include me, other than how I might help him, or be of use to him. Maybe that is how everyone really is, and I'm just being naive or extremely selfish to think that someone should care a hoot about me. I don't even think that his lack of interest in me is intentional. I have spent the last few days talking with them and trying to get to know them better, getting a glimpse into their lives, and trying to know who they are. I don't feel that the same effort, or even intention, was made in my direction. In fact, I don't think any effort or intention was made in my direction. I don't know what they have come away from this week with, at least how it touches me. Other than to learn tonight that they expect me to be the babysitter when they come back next time so they can go out on their own in the evenings. Talk about feeling used before it even happens. I'm not going to let that happen.
My heart is on my sleeve, that much I know. I don't really trust my emotions right now, right now being tonight or the last few weeks, actually. I seem to be unusually upset, and fixated on this feeling of being alone. Maybe right now, no one could meet my expectations. Maybe there are people around me who really care, and I'm so off balance that I can't see it or appreciate it, only seeing some exaggerated neediness on my part. My god, I wish I could figure this one out. I'm really stumped by my own reactions and my emotions.
I did something tonight while driving home that really scares me to think about it. I will write more later about this, but I'm wondering what is really happening with me, and who I really want to be. Am I choosing to be this person?
I'm starting to get tired of writing about my own sadness. Late this afternoon, after the shopping was finished and we were planning dinner and the evening, I brought up again my idea for having them hang out at my place and either cook or order dinner. I had mentioned this yesterday, and didn't get any real response. Today, I found out why. They have wanted to spend the evening alone. In theory, I didn't have any problem with this, but I found myself in tears, and holding back the sobs -- trying to avoid being caught expression such strong emotions. I didn't want them to change their plans just because of me... their plans are important. I was just suddenly feeling very left out, very much alone. I just wanted to have one evening where they hung out with me. I just wanted one night of laughter and talking inside my house, my very empty house. I know it isn't too much to ask. And it also isn't too much for me to let go of. It ended up that we went to dinner together, and separated early. I cried on the way home, my heart heavy. I felt like I had sacrificed so much for them this week, not only taking all of the time off work, but driving them everywhere, all day every day, exhausted and paying for my own gas, at that. I drove over 1000 miles, and I still have the long trip to the airport tomorrow. It was the only thing that I really wanted to have happen. And its not the end of the world. But I do feel very disappointed, and alone.
I was just a tool to help them have fun this week. I wasn't an important part of their experience. I see that now. And it makes me feel more alone than ever. I just want to feel like there are people in the world who give a damn whether I live or die, not based on how inconvenient it would be for them either way, but just for me.
For the life of me, I can't figure out why this is so important to me at this time, and why I haven't been bothered by all of this in the many years before. I feel like I've learned a lesson from this trip, that like my sister, my brother is really only concerned about his own life. My life doesn't fit into the formula, not even for a short break like this. I'm not sure what I really want or expect from anyone. I just want a moment in time where I can see and feel that someone cares. Anyone. For a moment. I certainly don't expect to be on his mind while he is going about his own life. What I see now is that he doesn't really extend his world to include me, other than how I might help him, or be of use to him. Maybe that is how everyone really is, and I'm just being naive or extremely selfish to think that someone should care a hoot about me. I don't even think that his lack of interest in me is intentional. I have spent the last few days talking with them and trying to get to know them better, getting a glimpse into their lives, and trying to know who they are. I don't feel that the same effort, or even intention, was made in my direction. In fact, I don't think any effort or intention was made in my direction. I don't know what they have come away from this week with, at least how it touches me. Other than to learn tonight that they expect me to be the babysitter when they come back next time so they can go out on their own in the evenings. Talk about feeling used before it even happens. I'm not going to let that happen.
My heart is on my sleeve, that much I know. I don't really trust my emotions right now, right now being tonight or the last few weeks, actually. I seem to be unusually upset, and fixated on this feeling of being alone. Maybe right now, no one could meet my expectations. Maybe there are people around me who really care, and I'm so off balance that I can't see it or appreciate it, only seeing some exaggerated neediness on my part. My god, I wish I could figure this one out. I'm really stumped by my own reactions and my emotions.
I did something tonight while driving home that really scares me to think about it. I will write more later about this, but I'm wondering what is really happening with me, and who I really want to be. Am I choosing to be this person?
Back On Track (Again)
I woke up this morning after sleeping very hard. I'm not sure I moved once the whole night! I've been so tired this week, and had so much pressure on me to be working even though I'm on vacation. And my time with Dave and Stacey has been really fun, but I've felt some pressure to organize things for them, and being the chauffer has been exhausting. I'm not complaining -- just trying to understand the factors that are effecting me.
I have maybe 30 minutes until I have to get ready to pick them up for today's adventure.
I woke up this morning after sleeping very hard. I'm not sure I moved once the whole night! I've been so tired this week, and had so much pressure on me to be working even though I'm on vacation. And my time with Dave and Stacey has been really fun, but I've felt some pressure to organize things for them, and being the chauffer has been exhausting. I'm not complaining -- just trying to understand the factors that are effecting me.
I have maybe 30 minutes until I have to get ready to pick them up for today's adventure.
Thursday, March 07, 2002
Afternoon Is Smoothing Out
I'm still a bit frazzled, but in general, my afternoon is smoothing out nicely. One project just surprisingly fell together very quickly after being quite frustrating for more than an hour. I'm always happy when they fall together. I've contacted my clients and things are back on track. I still have too much work to do between now and Monday, but somehow it will happen.
I'm still a bit frazzled, but in general, my afternoon is smoothing out nicely. One project just surprisingly fell together very quickly after being quite frustrating for more than an hour. I'm always happy when they fall together. I've contacted my clients and things are back on track. I still have too much work to do between now and Monday, but somehow it will happen.
Tough Morning
Oh god, I don't even know how to record what has happened this morning without reliving it, and I just can't go there again. I had set aside this morning from Dave and Stacey because there is so much work I have to have delivered on Monday, it just couldn't wait. And 30 minutes into my work period, the power went off and stayed off for hours. I lost all of my productive window of time. I'm back now, trying to get back a few hours, changing my schedule with them again. They are great sports about it, but I'm feeling horrible, terrible, no good and rotten. My phones seem to be blown, they are not working since the power came back on. They are about the only appliance I didn't unplug. At least the computer has recovered fine, in fact, it is doing better than I am. Except that the trackball is also failing. I've openned it up and cleaned it -- something I do every weekend, but it now won't move up and down, which is a considerabe pain since I have a significant amount og graphics work to do to meet this deadline.
I am trying to take a step back and look at my situation with some perspective. My overall feeling is that I'm scheduled into a corner, that I've way too many committments, more than I can fulfill. I have had a policy of accepting work when it arrives, and really this is the first time that it has been too much. (That's not exactly the truth, but this is the first time that I've had three clients with overlapping projects in the same two week period.) Somehow, I was putting out a shut down type of energy, or I would not have been without power twice in the last week. I mean, what are the chances of that statistically? I can remember short term power outages in the past, but nothing like these in length, and never so close together. A power outage is a rare thing that occassionally happens. What is it about how I'm feeling that I'm a match for a power outage? Do I feel stressed beyond what I can do to the point that I'm shutting down?
And then there is the other interesting question, since these effect a group of people, all of whom meet up with the same circumstances. In a way. If this power outage had happened yesterday, I would not have even been aware of it until I got home last night and had to reset the electronic clocks. It would not have impacted me at all. So even though I was in the effected neighborhood, I would not have been involved. Yet, I was included in both of these events.
And the horrible customer service experience I had, resulting in my reporting it to the supervisor, is another wrinkle in this. Am I so out of balance that I'm matching receiving that sort of service? The answer, of course, is yes because that happened to me. And yet, I'm normally not a match for such things. I can normally turn a questionable experience into something smooth and positive just by how I handle things. So this is more evidence of my systems failure showing itself.
My life has been out of kilter now for several weeks, and today I'm really remembering how wonderful my life used to feel, and how solid I used to feel on the inside. Maybe just remembering this feeling is enough to get me back on track to living that life experience. I do believe that what I learned on my birthday is true -- I have to accept the interruptions to my smooth life so I don't stagnate, and I need to view these experiences as tools to help me clarify what I truly want in this moment of my life. I'm honestly afraid to ask myself that question today, because I'm afraid that it will mean that I don't do any work, and in fact, that I drop most or all of these projects. What is really happening with me? I don't think I need to dive into questions right now. I feel too close to tears, and I'm very tired, and so I know the emotions will run stronger and deeper than usual. Maybe tonight, when I get home, I will dare to ask myself. But for now, I'm putting my nose back to the grindstone and acting out of obligation and habit, maintaining the status quo in my life. I'm not in denial, I know this is what I'm choosing for right now. Later today, I may make a different choice. I'll have to see.
Oh god, I don't even know how to record what has happened this morning without reliving it, and I just can't go there again. I had set aside this morning from Dave and Stacey because there is so much work I have to have delivered on Monday, it just couldn't wait. And 30 minutes into my work period, the power went off and stayed off for hours. I lost all of my productive window of time. I'm back now, trying to get back a few hours, changing my schedule with them again. They are great sports about it, but I'm feeling horrible, terrible, no good and rotten. My phones seem to be blown, they are not working since the power came back on. They are about the only appliance I didn't unplug. At least the computer has recovered fine, in fact, it is doing better than I am. Except that the trackball is also failing. I've openned it up and cleaned it -- something I do every weekend, but it now won't move up and down, which is a considerabe pain since I have a significant amount og graphics work to do to meet this deadline.
I am trying to take a step back and look at my situation with some perspective. My overall feeling is that I'm scheduled into a corner, that I've way too many committments, more than I can fulfill. I have had a policy of accepting work when it arrives, and really this is the first time that it has been too much. (That's not exactly the truth, but this is the first time that I've had three clients with overlapping projects in the same two week period.) Somehow, I was putting out a shut down type of energy, or I would not have been without power twice in the last week. I mean, what are the chances of that statistically? I can remember short term power outages in the past, but nothing like these in length, and never so close together. A power outage is a rare thing that occassionally happens. What is it about how I'm feeling that I'm a match for a power outage? Do I feel stressed beyond what I can do to the point that I'm shutting down?
And then there is the other interesting question, since these effect a group of people, all of whom meet up with the same circumstances. In a way. If this power outage had happened yesterday, I would not have even been aware of it until I got home last night and had to reset the electronic clocks. It would not have impacted me at all. So even though I was in the effected neighborhood, I would not have been involved. Yet, I was included in both of these events.
And the horrible customer service experience I had, resulting in my reporting it to the supervisor, is another wrinkle in this. Am I so out of balance that I'm matching receiving that sort of service? The answer, of course, is yes because that happened to me. And yet, I'm normally not a match for such things. I can normally turn a questionable experience into something smooth and positive just by how I handle things. So this is more evidence of my systems failure showing itself.
My life has been out of kilter now for several weeks, and today I'm really remembering how wonderful my life used to feel, and how solid I used to feel on the inside. Maybe just remembering this feeling is enough to get me back on track to living that life experience. I do believe that what I learned on my birthday is true -- I have to accept the interruptions to my smooth life so I don't stagnate, and I need to view these experiences as tools to help me clarify what I truly want in this moment of my life. I'm honestly afraid to ask myself that question today, because I'm afraid that it will mean that I don't do any work, and in fact, that I drop most or all of these projects. What is really happening with me? I don't think I need to dive into questions right now. I feel too close to tears, and I'm very tired, and so I know the emotions will run stronger and deeper than usual. Maybe tonight, when I get home, I will dare to ask myself. But for now, I'm putting my nose back to the grindstone and acting out of obligation and habit, maintaining the status quo in my life. I'm not in denial, I know this is what I'm choosing for right now. Later today, I may make a different choice. I'll have to see.
Tuesday, March 05, 2002
Amazing Dream
I woke up this morning thinking about my screenplay, a project I havent worked on for almost 3 years. I woke with the strongest desire to edit it and submit it to Warner Bros. As I lay there, looking at the stars over the mountains, I realized what a wonder it was to have such a desire after so long, and then I started to remember my dream!
I was living and working around a group of people, it didn't make much sense. Even the physical environment was a dream reality with mutliple levels and people seemed to be flying about. I knew someone there who had just purchased a camera to use to film movies, and he was talking about getting started on some film projects. I said nothing about my desire to make films. He did more talking about it than he did acting on his intention. Eventually, I ran across some people working in a library that I seemed to be acquainted with, and they were working to make a sort of Power Point presentation about a topic that would be viewed by visitors to the library. I interrupted their work, and asked if they would be willing for me to make a film of this topic, and they were interested. I knew then that the next step was to contact a professor in the area, a person who had access to cameras and equipment, and see if he would be willing to rent me the equipment to make this film for the library. I don't remember the scene, but I have this vivid memory of the conversation with him. He asked me how I was qualitifed to use the equipment, and I gave this incredible speech, about how I have no training, no experience, and have no practical reason to believe that I can accomplish this task, other than this incredible sense of knowing that I CAN do it, that I was meant to do it. I told him that I have always been a visual thinker, and that the reason my writing is so powerful is because I first visualize my subject and then write the descriptions from what I see. I also told him that every director does a first film without any experience, and that fact doesn't bother me at all, In fact, I tell him, I could be the next Spielberg. I know I'm meant to do this work. I don't remember much after that, just one moment where I'm looking at that other person's storyboards for a film he keeps talking about shooting, and thinking that I should sit down and storyboard my project.
Now that I'm awake and thinking this through, how amazing that I woke up thinking about my screenplay, about some of the beautiful turns it takes, and rethinking some of the rougher transitions. In truth, my earlier work is lost because of my hard drive crash years ago. But I could rewrite the story, and perhaps the second time it will be even more poignant and real. And how amazing that this project, and not one of the book projects I've mapped out, is the one that is on my heart. I don't know where I can find the time during this month to start it, with my heavy client deadlines and the need to complete my taxes. But I'm feeling today like I need to get the script to Warner Bros. Maybe someone over there is thinking about that project again. Maybe now the timing is right, especially after Harry Potter's success. This would certainly fall into the same audience.
One other interesting thing -- my body ached last night from the work I did on the patio. I think mostly it was the firewood that wore me out and left my lower back just a bit stiff. I was yawning at 9 PM, so I took advantage of that to get an early start today. It did take a while to fall asleep soundly, but I feel refreshed and ready to go today, although very protective of my space. I lit candles and still have not turned on lights. I love this aspect of my early mornings... the sense that I'm carving out sacred space to open my heart and soul in peace.
I woke up this morning thinking about my screenplay, a project I havent worked on for almost 3 years. I woke with the strongest desire to edit it and submit it to Warner Bros. As I lay there, looking at the stars over the mountains, I realized what a wonder it was to have such a desire after so long, and then I started to remember my dream!
I was living and working around a group of people, it didn't make much sense. Even the physical environment was a dream reality with mutliple levels and people seemed to be flying about. I knew someone there who had just purchased a camera to use to film movies, and he was talking about getting started on some film projects. I said nothing about my desire to make films. He did more talking about it than he did acting on his intention. Eventually, I ran across some people working in a library that I seemed to be acquainted with, and they were working to make a sort of Power Point presentation about a topic that would be viewed by visitors to the library. I interrupted their work, and asked if they would be willing for me to make a film of this topic, and they were interested. I knew then that the next step was to contact a professor in the area, a person who had access to cameras and equipment, and see if he would be willing to rent me the equipment to make this film for the library. I don't remember the scene, but I have this vivid memory of the conversation with him. He asked me how I was qualitifed to use the equipment, and I gave this incredible speech, about how I have no training, no experience, and have no practical reason to believe that I can accomplish this task, other than this incredible sense of knowing that I CAN do it, that I was meant to do it. I told him that I have always been a visual thinker, and that the reason my writing is so powerful is because I first visualize my subject and then write the descriptions from what I see. I also told him that every director does a first film without any experience, and that fact doesn't bother me at all, In fact, I tell him, I could be the next Spielberg. I know I'm meant to do this work. I don't remember much after that, just one moment where I'm looking at that other person's storyboards for a film he keeps talking about shooting, and thinking that I should sit down and storyboard my project.
Now that I'm awake and thinking this through, how amazing that I woke up thinking about my screenplay, about some of the beautiful turns it takes, and rethinking some of the rougher transitions. In truth, my earlier work is lost because of my hard drive crash years ago. But I could rewrite the story, and perhaps the second time it will be even more poignant and real. And how amazing that this project, and not one of the book projects I've mapped out, is the one that is on my heart. I don't know where I can find the time during this month to start it, with my heavy client deadlines and the need to complete my taxes. But I'm feeling today like I need to get the script to Warner Bros. Maybe someone over there is thinking about that project again. Maybe now the timing is right, especially after Harry Potter's success. This would certainly fall into the same audience.
One other interesting thing -- my body ached last night from the work I did on the patio. I think mostly it was the firewood that wore me out and left my lower back just a bit stiff. I was yawning at 9 PM, so I took advantage of that to get an early start today. It did take a while to fall asleep soundly, but I feel refreshed and ready to go today, although very protective of my space. I lit candles and still have not turned on lights. I love this aspect of my early mornings... the sense that I'm carving out sacred space to open my heart and soul in peace.
Monday, March 04, 2002
This Is Dangerous
I was up too late last night. I had an errand to run before lunch, which I just got up in time to do. I've been back 2 hours and I haven't done a lick of work. I have three clients who have projects piled on my desk, two of them expecting deliveries from me today. And I don't feel like working. I feel like cleaning my patio, and picking up the house for my company. I feel like reading through a new cookbook to see if there is anything that sound good. I feel like doing the grocery shopping. I feel like wasting time reading on the Internet. I don't feel like unloading the firewood from the back of my truck, even though I need the space to fit my bro and his wife's luggage at the airport in less than 24 hours. I feel like crawling up on my bed and taking a nap while I read the cookbook.
I'm definitely in burnout.
I was up too late last night. I had an errand to run before lunch, which I just got up in time to do. I've been back 2 hours and I haven't done a lick of work. I have three clients who have projects piled on my desk, two of them expecting deliveries from me today. And I don't feel like working. I feel like cleaning my patio, and picking up the house for my company. I feel like reading through a new cookbook to see if there is anything that sound good. I feel like doing the grocery shopping. I feel like wasting time reading on the Internet. I don't feel like unloading the firewood from the back of my truck, even though I need the space to fit my bro and his wife's luggage at the airport in less than 24 hours. I feel like crawling up on my bed and taking a nap while I read the cookbook.
I'm definitely in burnout.
Good Weekend Comes To A Late End
It's been a really great weekend, all things considered. I slept very long on Friday night, missing a big chunk of Saturday's daylight. Since I had so much work to get done this weekend, I worked until almost dark on the computer, and then went out on the town for a bit. I was supposed to have dinner with Kerrie, but she postponed just a few hours before. Today, I started my morning by working out in the yard, and it felt good to get dirt under my fingernails again. The herb garden is planted, at least the plants I had on hand are planted. So is the calla lily and the geraniums. I still have more to plant, and more to buy. But that can wait until after my company leaves next weekend. I have worked the rest of the day, with a break to fix dinner. So about a day and half of work over the weekend, not bad. I don't feel stressed. But because of the long sleep, I am still awake, and it is almost time for my alarm to go off. I'll sleep in a bit in the morning, up by 8, and that will put me on a good schedule for the week. One more day of work and I can really relax then. Well, at least I won't be at the computer... I won't go so far as to say I can relax with company in town and me the chauffer.
I wrote a newsletter for Desert Memaid in about 30 minutes tonight, from start to delivery. It is one of the best, maybe the best, so far, and it just splurted out of me. That is the way I like to write. It isn't even about the topic I had in mind. I was reviewing my journal, and I found this passage that just glowed. Starting from that point, the newsletter just happened. Inspired writing. I love that. I love being in the flow of that.
Fulfilling Commitments
I thought I would wind down in front of the TV, but that didn't really work. Then, I remembered that I had failed to deliver my timesheet. I have such a touchy relationship with Chris that I didn't want to wait until I get up to take care of it. I didn't want to give him a reason to gripe about me in the office, or call me every 10 minutes until I answer. So I went out to retrieve the mail to get my timesheet, filled it out, photographed it, cropped and color adjusted the photo, made the PDF and emailed it to him. My relationship with Chris is not the same since the day I complained about the client's inability to focus on details, including deadlines, or doing tech reviews of my work. I guess he just didn't want to hear it. In all of my interactions with him, I've never complained before or after, but he just doesn't like me. But honestly, other than the fact that I like it when people like me, I couldn't care less what he thinks of me, personally or professionally. I make him money, that's all. Ah, the joys of employment and forced interaction with people who are incompatible.
It comes down to this for me, regardless of the personalities -- have I done all that I can do to keep the cogs moving? The qualifier is the "all that I can do" part. It meant that I didn't blow off Chris' premature deadline of Monday at 8 (when the policy is Tuesday at 10), I dragged my pajama-clad barefoot bod into the cold desert night, walking across bare concrete, to fulfill my obligation. But at other times, "my best" means that sometimes I don't push, I don't just turn in something to turn in something. I don't burn client hours when I'm spinning my wheels. From the feedback I get, most of them get it, and most of them appreicate what I do. Someone who is structured and anal would be tortured to have me working for them, but someone who appreciates big picture thinking and responsible action loves having me on the team. At least that is what I believe is going on.
I was short with Stacey tonight on the phone. Mostly, it was because while I was listening to her blather on, saying nothing, I realized that I have 5 days of this waiting for me, 1.5 of them are me alone with her while Dave is in his conference. God, give me patience. She is one of those people that the Hopi say their head isn't connected to their body. If she would ever slow down and take a deep breath, it would completely turn around her life. She is in perpetual motion, and not accomplishing much because it is more like thrashing around. She is the truest definition of "diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain" that I've ever encountered. And yet she means well, and she would go out of her way to help just about anyone. I wonder sometimes how my brother puts up with her. I have a hard time staying the the same room with her for long because of the constant buzzing. So for me, this week will be a chance to really plant my feet, breathe deeply, and stay connected to what is important about her. It's a good challenge for me.
It's been a really great weekend, all things considered. I slept very long on Friday night, missing a big chunk of Saturday's daylight. Since I had so much work to get done this weekend, I worked until almost dark on the computer, and then went out on the town for a bit. I was supposed to have dinner with Kerrie, but she postponed just a few hours before. Today, I started my morning by working out in the yard, and it felt good to get dirt under my fingernails again. The herb garden is planted, at least the plants I had on hand are planted. So is the calla lily and the geraniums. I still have more to plant, and more to buy. But that can wait until after my company leaves next weekend. I have worked the rest of the day, with a break to fix dinner. So about a day and half of work over the weekend, not bad. I don't feel stressed. But because of the long sleep, I am still awake, and it is almost time for my alarm to go off. I'll sleep in a bit in the morning, up by 8, and that will put me on a good schedule for the week. One more day of work and I can really relax then. Well, at least I won't be at the computer... I won't go so far as to say I can relax with company in town and me the chauffer.
I wrote a newsletter for Desert Memaid in about 30 minutes tonight, from start to delivery. It is one of the best, maybe the best, so far, and it just splurted out of me. That is the way I like to write. It isn't even about the topic I had in mind. I was reviewing my journal, and I found this passage that just glowed. Starting from that point, the newsletter just happened. Inspired writing. I love that. I love being in the flow of that.
Fulfilling Commitments
I thought I would wind down in front of the TV, but that didn't really work. Then, I remembered that I had failed to deliver my timesheet. I have such a touchy relationship with Chris that I didn't want to wait until I get up to take care of it. I didn't want to give him a reason to gripe about me in the office, or call me every 10 minutes until I answer. So I went out to retrieve the mail to get my timesheet, filled it out, photographed it, cropped and color adjusted the photo, made the PDF and emailed it to him. My relationship with Chris is not the same since the day I complained about the client's inability to focus on details, including deadlines, or doing tech reviews of my work. I guess he just didn't want to hear it. In all of my interactions with him, I've never complained before or after, but he just doesn't like me. But honestly, other than the fact that I like it when people like me, I couldn't care less what he thinks of me, personally or professionally. I make him money, that's all. Ah, the joys of employment and forced interaction with people who are incompatible.
It comes down to this for me, regardless of the personalities -- have I done all that I can do to keep the cogs moving? The qualifier is the "all that I can do" part. It meant that I didn't blow off Chris' premature deadline of Monday at 8 (when the policy is Tuesday at 10), I dragged my pajama-clad barefoot bod into the cold desert night, walking across bare concrete, to fulfill my obligation. But at other times, "my best" means that sometimes I don't push, I don't just turn in something to turn in something. I don't burn client hours when I'm spinning my wheels. From the feedback I get, most of them get it, and most of them appreicate what I do. Someone who is structured and anal would be tortured to have me working for them, but someone who appreciates big picture thinking and responsible action loves having me on the team. At least that is what I believe is going on.
I was short with Stacey tonight on the phone. Mostly, it was because while I was listening to her blather on, saying nothing, I realized that I have 5 days of this waiting for me, 1.5 of them are me alone with her while Dave is in his conference. God, give me patience. She is one of those people that the Hopi say their head isn't connected to their body. If she would ever slow down and take a deep breath, it would completely turn around her life. She is in perpetual motion, and not accomplishing much because it is more like thrashing around. She is the truest definition of "diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain" that I've ever encountered. And yet she means well, and she would go out of her way to help just about anyone. I wonder sometimes how my brother puts up with her. I have a hard time staying the the same room with her for long because of the constant buzzing. So for me, this week will be a chance to really plant my feet, breathe deeply, and stay connected to what is important about her. It's a good challenge for me.
Saturday, March 02, 2002
The Sadness Is Gone
In reading through my last week or so of entries, it sounds like I'm a wuss who is always whining about something. In truth, it has been a really rough time, partly because I haven't been able to get to the real heart of what is wrong. Thankfully, I have been able to shift my energy out of that slump, and I'm back to feeling "normal" which means that I have plenty of time throughout the day when my heart soars on the wings of outrageous happiness. It's good to be me. I do love my life.
I'll give myself credit for this... I did spend time and energy through this slump to work myself out of it. I used every technique that has ever helped before, and I did have some limited success. The one thing that made the most impact was a statement I heard on the latest Abraham tape I listened to starting on Tuesday. Of course, this tape just happened to have the very idea I needed to hear, and it occured during my drive into the office, exactly when I needed to hear it. Of course. That's the way magical living happens. The idea is simple, but I had never put these things together in quite this way. I have been very successful over the last two years in creating just the lifestyle I want. I've almost eliminated the things I don't like. And here comes this big glob of stuff that I wouldn't choose. But according to the tape, the idea that I've been missing is this: it is easy to get complacent, to get too comfortable in the sameness of living. I need to really welcome the variety of events in my life. It's only in this variety that I get a chance to really clarify what I want. After all, what I want changes, and if I try to eliminate variety from my life, I can't taste the deliciousness of new things, new ideas. I will just keep ruminating on the old stuff until after it is stale.
I actually had many excellent things happen last week, things that are gems at any time. These have been grouted with some muck, however, making it a bit harder to really see their beauty. I've been making connections with people while at the office working, people that could be future clients. I've had the opportunity to share some information with them, and to contribute to their efforts in our short interactions. It was great to see myself as being a valuable resource in their eyes. Just confirmation of my own thoughts about my value. I also managed to shift my energy so fully at a couple of times during the week that I totally changed the way people reacted to me. That was an amazing thing.
In reading through my last week or so of entries, it sounds like I'm a wuss who is always whining about something. In truth, it has been a really rough time, partly because I haven't been able to get to the real heart of what is wrong. Thankfully, I have been able to shift my energy out of that slump, and I'm back to feeling "normal" which means that I have plenty of time throughout the day when my heart soars on the wings of outrageous happiness. It's good to be me. I do love my life.
I'll give myself credit for this... I did spend time and energy through this slump to work myself out of it. I used every technique that has ever helped before, and I did have some limited success. The one thing that made the most impact was a statement I heard on the latest Abraham tape I listened to starting on Tuesday. Of course, this tape just happened to have the very idea I needed to hear, and it occured during my drive into the office, exactly when I needed to hear it. Of course. That's the way magical living happens. The idea is simple, but I had never put these things together in quite this way. I have been very successful over the last two years in creating just the lifestyle I want. I've almost eliminated the things I don't like. And here comes this big glob of stuff that I wouldn't choose. But according to the tape, the idea that I've been missing is this: it is easy to get complacent, to get too comfortable in the sameness of living. I need to really welcome the variety of events in my life. It's only in this variety that I get a chance to really clarify what I want. After all, what I want changes, and if I try to eliminate variety from my life, I can't taste the deliciousness of new things, new ideas. I will just keep ruminating on the old stuff until after it is stale.
I actually had many excellent things happen last week, things that are gems at any time. These have been grouted with some muck, however, making it a bit harder to really see their beauty. I've been making connections with people while at the office working, people that could be future clients. I've had the opportunity to share some information with them, and to contribute to their efforts in our short interactions. It was great to see myself as being a valuable resource in their eyes. Just confirmation of my own thoughts about my value. I also managed to shift my energy so fully at a couple of times during the week that I totally changed the way people reacted to me. That was an amazing thing.
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