Glimpse In A Mirror

Charting A Course Through Choppy Water

I'm feeling empty inside today. It started off to be a great day, but when things got ugly at the State, it wore me out. I thought for a few minutes that I was going to resign on the spot, and my heart sank a bit. That sinking feeling didn't really leave me. When I got home, I was exhausted, and instead of a short recharge nap, I slept for 3 hours. Now, I'm behind in things I promised to delivery yesterday, and I'm up late tonight, unable to get to sleep, meaning that tomorrow morning is looking shakey as well.

To add to this, the cleaners are coming in the morning, and I'm not really ready for them. And I have another ceritified letter from the IRS to pick up tomorrow, the third one in three months.

I stopped by the neighbors tonight to thank her for checking on me, and she was so obviously hateful towards me that I started to tear up. I stopped to thank her, and got more abuse instead. So much for acknowledging someone else.

Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I had a short conversation with Reg tonight, and while he seemed distracted, he also seemed unwilling to talk to me. Combining these two neighbor things, I'm feeling a bit unloved in my neighborhood tonight. Like I really care. I know this is more about my heart sinking earlier in the day, and less about my neighbors and what they may or may not think of me.

Then, I got a call from Bob who has more work for me, and I don't even have the time to call him back for another almost two days. I'm swamped right now. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with what has to be done, and I'm feeling a bit like a wrung out sponge.

So much for my reality. How can I fix this?

For starters, the theme seems to be accountability between all of these things. In truth, I don't mind being accountable to people for the end products I deliver to them, but I do balk at being accountable in the process. I like having the freedom to chart my own course between start and finish, and since the clients give me the finish, I think it makes for a good blend. I find out what they want, and I figure out how to deliver it. Another kind of accountability, progress on a project plan, is also not an issue for me. I don't mind providing regular status reports, in fact, I find them quite helpful in the larger scheme of things. I offer them to clients every time, even though most of them don't want to be bothered by them. Mark has now changed his mind, and has given me a format to use, and it seems to be as good a format as any I have sitting around. No problem there.

This financial accountability has been rough on me lately, only because the amount I've owed is extraordinary. But I've also figured out what I did wrong, and I won't make that mistake again. I don't mind paying my taxes, I don't mind giving them what I've set aside to give them. I just wish they would make up their mind about how much that is, instead of keeping coming back to me wanting more, more, more. I wonder what that is about... do I feel that what is expected of me is unreasonable? Have I invited this situation just by feeling it is unreasonable? That is something to think about.

I got an email from Kathleen that she is changing careers. Interesting timing, considering that I'm also thinking about doing the same thing. I can see where her news fits exactly into my world right now. So far, the law of attraction, which I know is infalable, is working 100%.

So why am I drawing in so much sadness, so much discomfort, into my life right now? This is not normal for me, I usually am sailing along. I did learn recently how important it is to allow interrupts and times like this happen, about how a taste of something unwanted really helps to clarify what is wanted, especially since what I want changes so much over time. So while this time hasn't been exactly FUN for me, I do believe that I'm growing a lot right now, and that as the changes get made and things smooth back out, I will be happy to have gone through this choppy water time.

I can see choppy water happening in my food choices, too.

So, how does a person who understands the law of attraction work with a time like this? What is the best strategy for handling sadness, unwanted things, and recurring unpleasantries in my life? I'm going to start tomorrow in my writing, talking more about what I see I want as a result of these things, and less about what these things really are.. less about the reality of daily living and more about the dreams that I'm spinning in my heart because of reality.

Good idea.