Glimpse In A Mirror

Tough Morning

Oh god, I don't even know how to record what has happened this morning without reliving it, and I just can't go there again. I had set aside this morning from Dave and Stacey because there is so much work I have to have delivered on Monday, it just couldn't wait. And 30 minutes into my work period, the power went off and stayed off for hours. I lost all of my productive window of time. I'm back now, trying to get back a few hours, changing my schedule with them again. They are great sports about it, but I'm feeling horrible, terrible, no good and rotten. My phones seem to be blown, they are not working since the power came back on. They are about the only appliance I didn't unplug. At least the computer has recovered fine, in fact, it is doing better than I am. Except that the trackball is also failing. I've openned it up and cleaned it -- something I do every weekend, but it now won't move up and down, which is a considerabe pain since I have a significant amount og graphics work to do to meet this deadline.

I am trying to take a step back and look at my situation with some perspective. My overall feeling is that I'm scheduled into a corner, that I've way too many committments, more than I can fulfill. I have had a policy of accepting work when it arrives, and really this is the first time that it has been too much. (That's not exactly the truth, but this is the first time that I've had three clients with overlapping projects in the same two week period.) Somehow, I was putting out a shut down type of energy, or I would not have been without power twice in the last week. I mean, what are the chances of that statistically? I can remember short term power outages in the past, but nothing like these in length, and never so close together. A power outage is a rare thing that occassionally happens. What is it about how I'm feeling that I'm a match for a power outage? Do I feel stressed beyond what I can do to the point that I'm shutting down?

And then there is the other interesting question, since these effect a group of people, all of whom meet up with the same circumstances. In a way. If this power outage had happened yesterday, I would not have even been aware of it until I got home last night and had to reset the electronic clocks. It would not have impacted me at all. So even though I was in the effected neighborhood, I would not have been involved. Yet, I was included in both of these events.

And the horrible customer service experience I had, resulting in my reporting it to the supervisor, is another wrinkle in this. Am I so out of balance that I'm matching receiving that sort of service? The answer, of course, is yes because that happened to me. And yet, I'm normally not a match for such things. I can normally turn a questionable experience into something smooth and positive just by how I handle things. So this is more evidence of my systems failure showing itself.

My life has been out of kilter now for several weeks, and today I'm really remembering how wonderful my life used to feel, and how solid I used to feel on the inside. Maybe just remembering this feeling is enough to get me back on track to living that life experience. I do believe that what I learned on my birthday is true -- I have to accept the interruptions to my smooth life so I don't stagnate, and I need to view these experiences as tools to help me clarify what I truly want in this moment of my life. I'm honestly afraid to ask myself that question today, because I'm afraid that it will mean that I don't do any work, and in fact, that I drop most or all of these projects. What is really happening with me? I don't think I need to dive into questions right now. I feel too close to tears, and I'm very tired, and so I know the emotions will run stronger and deeper than usual. Maybe tonight, when I get home, I will dare to ask myself. But for now, I'm putting my nose back to the grindstone and acting out of obligation and habit, maintaining the status quo in my life. I'm not in denial, I know this is what I'm choosing for right now. Later today, I may make a different choice. I'll have to see.