Glimpse In A Mirror

A Letter To A Friend

Today, I found myself with a slot of time that was suddenly mine. I wrote this response to a friend's email, and decided that I needed to include it here.
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I've had a most amazing couple of days, and this morning is no exception. I met two client deadlines on Monday, and had a third deadline this morning that I could not make. I had to be at the State offices for our staff meeting at 9:30, and I was prepared to fake them out a bit, hoping that just by being there, I could postpone the actual delivery of the documents that are not finished (three of them). When I arrived, it turned out that the meeting was cancelled, and everyone forgot to tell me yesterday. But rather than being upset that I had driven so far for nothing, I was THRILLED to be able to walk away, knowing that I have until Friday now to make that deadline. I joking keep saying to myself "there is a God and He loves me..." that is how thrilled I am. I take my deadlines very seriously, and even though I was doing my best, it just wasn't enough to make all three deadlines.

You know that I didn't work a few months at the end of last year. Did I also tell you that I was audited by our IRS and found in January that I owed an additional $5K? Those two things have cleaned out my savings! I really need the income now to rebuild, so I'm grateful to have so much work. I'm just exhausted because of the bad timing -- all clients had almost identical deadlines, and my brother's trip, a business trip with a few days of leisure added, was right in the midst of it. I'm so glad the crunch is over.

Today, I get back a one of the client projects after they have done a technical review, and send it on to my editor for a grammar review tonight. The actual final delivery is tomorrow. It's a training manual, and the class will be held on Friday!

Later this week, I will get back another client's user manual with some technical review comments, and then by Friday deliver the final version of that manual. The training classes for that manual start on Monday.

The State's project is ongoing, and my project manager is so disorganized that I don't have any set deadlines, just whatever he decides to ask for, whenever he says he wants it. I went to the trouble to make up a project plan, which he reviewed, said was great, and then said, "but don't use this, just do what I need when I need it." In other words, this man is totally unorganized and isn't even able to follow a plan that I created, much less create one of his own. It makes my life more dangerous because I never know what is expected of me. If I had other steady work, I would quit this man in a heartbeat, but given my need for income, and my ability to follow my own plan (:-) I hope to anticipate the major chunks of work. It's not a perfect situation, but I do get paid weekly. And they are paying my taxes for me, which means I make less each week, but the IRS is constantly receiving timely payments from me, keeping me from running up a huge payment for this tax year. I might even get a tax return!

On a personal level, I'm tired and that flavors everything. I'm not discouraged, but I'm not my usual happy self, either. When I feel myself starting to get frustrated, or angry, or even sad, I can stop myself and postpone the emotion until I've had a good night's sleep. 9 times out of 10, the entire situation looks very different in the morning, and the other time, well, a girl has to cry once in a while.

I'm going through a lonely time, Alan. I really noticed it around my birthday when I realized that no one knew about my birthday and I didn't have anyone to celebrate with. It's been a tough year for friends... it seems like almost all of them have moved on, moved away, or just aren't available. To top it off, I felt not appreciated by my brother and his wife, mostly by her. I sacrificed a lot to spend time with them, drove them all over, driving almost 1000 miles in 6 days, taking them sightseeing, shopping, to dinner, etc. I did it because I wanted to, because I enjoyed having people to do things with. But I was treated like a chauffer. I kept asking them about their lives, how are doing, what they like best, what they are dreaming about... meaningful conversation. But they never asked me about me or my life. I don't think they know one bit more about me than they did before.

What is hard for me is that I give out a lot to people. Not because I have to, but because I want to. You have seen my journal website, and my diet website, both with newsletters. I know that people connect with what I'm doing, and that what I write touches their lives. I'm humbled and honored by that, and feel that my life is more worthwhile because I am touching people. I don't expect any of those people to reach back to me, to ask me how I am, etc. But I do need to have good people in my life, people who know me, people who care about me, people I can talk to. I have had that until the last year, and now I don't have that. I'm sure it will come back, life is full of ebb and flow. But the tide is out, and I'm feeling very alone these days, and unable to shake that feeling.