Total Freakout
Again, another story that is too painful to relive long enough to write about. I really got angry last night, screaming and crying, really freaking out. Nothing really happened to trigger it, just a bit of frustration added to the top of the pile of frustration that has been my life lately. It was the proverbial straw that broke this hormonaly challenged, work wearied back. When I was done, I slept for more than 12 hours. I'm still feeling tired today, burn out rather than physically tired. My head hurts. My eyes are sunken into my face. Did I mention that one of my neighbors came over to see if I was OK? Talk about humiliating. [Note to self: next time you want to start a maniacal crazed screaming match, remember to close ALL of the windows. Even the ones upstairs. And try screaming into a pillow. The neighbors will thank you.]
Part of me is scared by all of the anger that is coming out of me lately. Another part is still calm and knows that everything is really OK. I talked with Beth a bit this afternoon. I had to confess to someone, and she understands. She also pointed out all of the stressors in my life. I know that fear has been a big part of my decision making in life, and something that I have been consciously working to remove for many years now. I'm not sure what is behind this anger, but I would guess it is fear. Anger is always a mask for something else, something deeper. I'm determined to get to the heart of this.
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