I'm Done Trying To Make Things Work

It's been an interesting day and night.

I wish I could sleep. But at the same time, I'm enjoying the revelations I've been having as I smooth out my energy around a few challenges in my life.

Let's start there.

I have a couple relationships with challenges either now or in the recent past. The interesting thing is that I'm not upset about them. I can clearly see where the challenges have come from, and I don't feel responsible for either the problems or the solutions. I feel removed from the situations. I can see where I've contributed to the challenges, but mostly what I feel is that everyone is just doing their best and these were inevitable.

Yes, I do feel that I'm not playing the same game as these other people. We are not equally matched, and I understood that from the beginning. I like them. I see who they are. And I see that we are like people living on different floors of a building with only an empty elevator shaft to connect us. Some of the time, the differences don't matter because they don't enter the picture. But eventually, the differences do appear and when they do, there isn't anything to be done. Everyone is already doing their best.

I'm not mad at these people for misunderstanding me or making conclusion that they project onto me. I can see that they cannot do it differently. I don't feel any need to explain myself or justify myself, either. It's almost like the difficulties don't really matter to me. And it feels a little like I'm moving forward without them. Without resolution. But I'm not angry, and they are free to join me at any time in the future, with no questions asked, with no explanation needed.

It's odd because I feel one of them stewing a bit about this and can almost hear the conversation on the other side, laying out for me everything I've done wrong, expecting me to listen to all of my offenses. And I suppose some action is also wanted. But I'm not interested in hearing about what anyone thinks I've done wrong. Because I know my intentions are clear and that I've been misunderstood and not seen clearly. It's not that I don't care about how the other person feels. It's that I know I'm not responsible for it.

I don't intend to sit through any sort of meeting where I'm blasted with the perspective of the other side and then expected to do something. I can't really say that I'm sorry that the misunderstanding has even happened because I don't feel I've contributed to it. I can see it was inevitable. I don't expect the people on the other side to change or understand me. What I'd like is for each of them to process it on their own and come to their own conclusion about the value of the relationship to them, and the act accordingly.

This whole thing is odd to me, and it's the first time I've felt like I'm in this situation.

I can remember times in the past when I was the person on the other side, and I expected to be heard and listened to and I expected some sort of almost apology for the fact that they contributed to my feeling this way. But I see with crystal clarity tonight that every time I feel something in response to someone else, it's truly about me and not them. Even if they meant to hurt me.

It's almost like I understand tonight that no one else owes me anything in any relationship. That if I like what's going on, if I can play the game at the highest possible level, I can enjoy every relationship no matter what is going on. No matter what the other person is doing. And if I can't play the game at the highest possible level, I need to step back and smooth out my own energy and come back when I am available at that level.

Of course, I'm also free to just keep going in my own life without those people, too.

It's feeling odd, but I must admit, it also feels extremely centered and balanced, and like I've just taken a huge step forward. Like this truth has been just out of my reach for a while, and I've just reached it.

It's a profound understanding of the interaction between self-reliance and independence within relationships. Detachment and intimacy at the same time.

I knew I needed to get up and write here. I've ploughed through many more layers since I've been writing than I was able to reach just thinking about it. My truism is still true: If you want to really learn something, write about it.

As I was smoothing out my energy with one person earlier, I was thinking through a whole list of releases. Things I am releasing this person from. Permission I am giving them to take any action they feel is best. I don't have any expectations of the shape of the relationship going forward.

But in the process of doing that, of making those releases, I found that I also released myself from something in my work that has been distracting me.

I am no longer willing to coax people to do what is in their best interest.

I have suddenly become totally the tough love person. If you want to do something, and you want some help, I'm available. But it's not my job to help you get a vision for what you can do and what is possible for you.

What a sense of freedom this gives me from my potential (and current) client list! When they are ready, they will call me. Or they won't call me. Or they will call someone else. No matter what happens, it doesn't matter. I'm off doing my own work. If they are a match for me, if they want to play the game at my level, I'm here. I'm available, I'm willing to be generous with my insights, advice, and support. But only when they show up ready to work and play the game at my level.

I don't want to ever have another new client meeting like I had on Saturday. Or like I did last Tuesday where I got my soapbox and told them the hard truth about how they are playing instead of running a business.

Instead, I want to recognize earlier that these are not my people and make the choice not to spend my time or energy with them. I want to free myself to keep working on my business, to keep raising the level of where I play my own game. No more investing time with potential clients who interrupt me just as I'm ready to tell them the truth. No more trying to make things work that don't fit together.

I'm Scared

I've been putting up a brave face. But tonight I can't avoid the fact that I'm scared to my bones.

I've been avoiding anything that would cause me to come face to face with the object of my fear. I've sidestepped things, I've procrastinated, I've even denied it was true. None of those strategies helped me to actually stop being so scared, or helped me to find my courage.

Tonight, I faced my fear. I stared it in the eye. I felt my heart flutter and sink. I felt my throat gulp and my mind start to race.

But feeling my fear is not the end of this story.

I feel my fear, and I'm taking a deep breath to calm myself. I feel my fear, and I'm taking a step anyway. I feel my fear, and I'm choosing to remember that I'm powerful at the same time. I feel my fear, and I decide that I can find my way out of this forest. I feel my fear, and I feel my courage begin to rise.

I hear my mind race with negative thoughts, and I calmly remind myself about the truth. It's a "yes, but..." conversation. I can refute the hyperbole of my fears. I can also interject optimism into the space left open by the truth.

The truth is: I've been in tougher spots before, and I've made it through each time. I can repeat my performance once again. I can return to living at the level of my dreams.

See? It wasn't so bad after all.

A New Understanding

I've just had one of those amazing experiences. Something important has shifted and I can't quite explain it. I know for sure it has happened, but it happened on a level where my brain can't quite process it with words. Yet I find myself here, trying to use words, to capture the importance of this moment and this realization.

Suddenly, I see glimpses into my recent history with understanding. Things that haven't quite made sense as they were happening now seem completely reasonable and knowable from this vantage. I understand now that I'm always going to be walking through the fears and insecurities and mistakes of this life because those things are part of being human. And yet I know I am much more than merely human. I identify with the larger part of me, the part that transcends these things. It like I forget that I can't live my life at that level, I must live my life as a human. But I am guided by the wisdom and understanding of the higher level. I have conscious access to that part of myself, what a gift that is.

What understanding I can have in the midst of human level confusion. What wisdom I can employ when making decisions and choosing my path between conflicting opinions. I can tap into the higher perspective, and I can do my best to live from that higher perspective. But I can't maintain it. I live on the bridge between these two worlds. I can live in the higher world for moments of time, and I find myself living in the human world for longer stretches, but in truth, my life is on the bridge.

I haven't understood this in this way before, even if I have used the same words, they now mean something different to me. My soul has had an experience that changes everything, coming outward from the core of me.

Was John my soul mate? It's a very good question. In my imagination, I can adjust the details of our interaction and he becomes a more profound and more intense interaction. Is that true or not? I believe I can change my experience with him so it is true. I can rewrite my history, tell a different story, and it becomes a different history, I become a different person. Perhaps it impacts John in the same way. Perhaps it allows him to become the man he wanted to be at that time, the man he had a vision to be, but in his humanness, he didn't quite manifest with me. If that is the case, it is a gift I give to both of us.

The story we tell is indeed important. It sets us free to be the person we want to be and perhaps it even allows for those who interact with us to be free to choose to be the person they also want to be. Maybe it is never too late to have a happy childhood, as someone once said.

I see the people in my life very differently as well. I see that I need to step back from them all as much as possible. I need to receive whatever they have to give and not ask things of them that they can't give. That's what I have done in the past, whether I meant to or not. Oh, guide me so that I can find my way on that path because I have stumbled so many times. Show me how to be that person, the one who mostly assesses correctly what is fair to ask of others. I'm willing to continue to make mistakes, but please show me how to master this part of myself so I can be more effective when I don't make a mistake.

Show me how to ground this energy and work with it. Show me how this changes me forever. Show me how to live my life as this person I see clearly tonight. Show me because I want to be a deliberate, conscious person. I want to travel a path of intention with intent, and I want to share what I learn with those around me. I want to be effective in working with myself and with others. I want to honor the essence and truth of who I am. I want to honor the path that I walk. I want to live the truth that I know, not just hold it in my head, but live it, breathe it, and let it radiate from every cell of my body with integrity. My soul knows how to be, I want to live in harmony with my own soul. I want to be true to myself.

Thank you for this experience tonight.

Sobbing Into My Pillow

It's almost 5 am and I still haven't been to sleep. When I went to bed, I found my head was racing with feelings and ideas I want to express, words to make a bridge between me and another person I think has the capacity to understand me. Someone I can pour my heart out, even the parts that are a bit wounded and smarting.

I feel that the reason, or perhaps the benefit, of this imaginary conversation, is to allow me to see parts of my life side by side, parts that I normally don't link together. There is a pattern, and by telling the story tonight into my pillow, I saw it. It touched me. I sobbed.

I know that the important thing is for me to release these feelings and go on with my life. But at the same time, I find myself wondering tonight if perhaps I could be allowed to find a real flesh and blood person I could tell my story to.

When I heard my story tonight, I realized I have more storytelling to do. I feel a bit resistant to this, resistant to feeling the pain and vulnerability of being so real. And yet that is exactly the kind of person I want to be, so my reluctance surprises me.

I'm so tired I am having trouble getting my fingers to type all of the correct letters here and none of the wrong letters. Perhaps I should save the rest of my thoughts for another time.

Anger and My Angry Friend

I have an angry friend.

The reasons my friend is angry has nothing to do with me. It's part of what he is going through in this stage of his life. He's a good guy, and quite aware, so I'm sure that he is going to figure this out and heal the wound and the pain that plague him now.

When I'm with him, I feel uncomfortable hearing his anger. His thoughts are distorted. He thinks in black and white, condemning everything he things about. From what I observe, he stubbornly clings to his anger with self righteousness. He feel justified to be so angry. And yet his actions and choices and thought only handcuff him to more of the same. He is really unwilling to release himself from this self-made prison.

I am a different kind of person. I can't ever remember being that angry. My heart was always more teachable than his. Even at times when perhaps I should have been angry and used that anger to stand up for myself, I didn't. I always felt that I was being taught something by the circumstances. When I do get angry, it blows white hot and then passes quickly. Once it is gone, it is gone. I don't hold a grudge, or even remember being angry later.

Perhaps I learned to be teachable in part from my father, who would get frustrated and rage at anyone around. He didn't strike anyone, but he yelled and verbally attacked. I learned at an early age the importance of moving away from the focus of his anger. Like me, he would blow hot and it would be over. No apologies, but it was truly over. I see my brother doing something similar, but I give him complete credit for this: he apologizes for his outbursts.

I think my mutable water nature is mostly the reason for my lack of anger. I also have very little fire energy. So more than the environmental factors, I think I am just cut from a different bolt of fabric. This also makes it harder for me to just sit with my friend's anger. I know the benefit of releasing it and moving on. But I can't help anyone else. I don't know why I can't remember that when I'm looking into the eyes of a friend who is suffering. I can only answer questions when they are asked. I can't provide clues or answers before then because they only appear as annoying noise.

I can completely separate myself from his anger and his state. Even being with him, I don't feel influenced by his anger. I also feel safe. I know that even if he gets frustrated with me, I'm safe with him. That is important. I feel detached from him and his anger in the same way I feel detached from a friend who insists that the waiter return their meal to the kitchen several times. It's not met, it's them. I'm very clear about that.

I've realized the last two times I've had lunch with him that I really don't know how to act in this situation. I really fumble and don't know what to say because nearly everything I say ends up frustrating him. I'm not afraid to be his friend through this phase, I just don't seem to know how to be his friend right now.

So today when I got back, I wrote him an email and said that I didn't know how to be his friend right now, that I realize what I'm doing is adding to his frustration, and that I want to know how to be his friend. I got back a very sweet note from him about his appreciation for my friendship. His advise for me, as I summed it up, is to just listen and don't talk. Don't try to comfort him. Don't be logical. I can do this.

I'm not sure if I am odd with my anger, if most people are like my friend, or just how it plays out. I've not been around such anger before. It's not my favorite thing (as I'm sure it is not his favorite thing). We process our emotions very differently. I'm grateful for this opportunity to learn something new. I find myself really hoping that I don't need to use it very much in the future. I prefer to spend time with people who are more like me, who are geared to learn from situation, to submit to the higher wisdom of myself in challenging situations. I don't want to be an angry friend to people, and I hope I always remain the kind of person who seeks the growth opportunity. I'm sure I won't do that perfectly, but it is my goal.

What's Going On?

I've really been scolding myself lately to keep my energy to myself. I can hardly contain myself because of the shift in my energy caused by my interest in this man.

On the one hand, I know that my energy travels and that at some level, he is aware of what is happening. It's not just my behavior that I'm focused on, it's my stray thoughts and running energy. My intention is not to pursue this man, so that means not just my behavior, but my energy needs to conform.

On the other hand, it's really exciting to feel myself so open and vulnerable. This has nothing to do with him, but with me. I try to reign myself in with that remembrance. At the same time, I'm trying to let myself feel everything I feel.

I'm a little off balance with this change. My static energy and my routine sense of balance are disrupted. It's a new thing, and of course it will take me a little bit of time to figure out what is going on and how to manage it.

When I woke up this morning, I realized in my dream I was visiting him at work. It felt like I was stalking him at work. I immediately started scolding myself and said STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT, as if words could reign in my energy.

I'm really in a quandary about this.

Monsoon Surfing

Over the last few days, I've felt really strong emotions that have brought me into a more alert place. I've been aching to talk to someone about what I'm feeling, but there is no one. (That thought is not exactly correct, but there is no one I felt I could call tonight to talk this through.) I thought tonight that perhaps I should return here and write about what is going on as a way to process it.

Before I started this post, I read my last few posts. Very interesting. Apparently, I thought I was going to keep writing here about the things going on last year. I can see why I thought it would be helpful. But the reality of the last year was that I was learning new ways to process my life, and writing wasn't primary. I learned how to process things using my right brain instead. No linear strings of verbal meaning. Images. Pictures. Dreams. Focused energy. And the writing I did was from a different place. It was more about sucking the marrow out of the dreams, living them as if they had already happened. Things like feeling the wind on my face while I drive around in my new SUV with a moon roof. Things that later came to be because I dreamed them.

I learned spider medicine last year. I learned how to spin an idea, a new idea of something that I want, into a web to hold it when it arrives. I manifested so many things in my world since February 2007 that I could never begin to write here to summarize the story. But this is another story, one worth writing about, and it is not the reason I'm sitting here at the computer long after I want to be asleep.

I realized yesterday that my intention to create a safe environment for myself, a place where the energy was clear and good, and I could play and grow in safety, has been accomplished. I sort of already knew that. But what I didn't know is that my strategy for making that happen, and my focus on this caused me to sort of cocoon myself in here. It fit with my natural aversion for icky energy. My hermit tendencies also include a self-preservation impulse, a desire to feather a nest where I am safe and supported. But what I didn't realize is that I've also locked out other people in this process.

This realization happened because I realized I have a crush on a man in my life. It's not about the idea of a future with this guy. It's about me realizing that there are men out there that have qualities I adore, and about realizing that I've created such a barrier that I don't allow anyone with different energy into my circle. Including male energy.

That's a big thing to realize. My instinct to protect myself has ended up isolating me from anyone not exactly like me. I realize that I'm actually hungry for interaction with male energy, and that I miss having a whole, complete, and different person sharing my space and life.

Perhaps this is a bit like my media fast, which lasted almost two decades, and really only ended when I serendipitously discovered that I had developed a sense of protection that made the artificial protection of a fast no long necessary or valuable. Perhaps I have just reached a point in my growth where my sense of self and self care momentum are strong enough to allow other people into my world without causing me any harm. I didn't have to choose to do it this way. I could have jumped in with both feet many years ago and learned to tread water and swim in the deep end. But that's not the path I chose, for whatever reason.

I feel a bit raw tonight. I feel hot tears in my eyes. I feel my thoughts taking a new route, which is a bit strange. I can feel that they have a habit of running one direction (towards regret and blame) and I feel the well-worn grooves of riding that direction, and yet, I'm not traveling that way. I can feel the natural choice to travel a different path, to show myself compassion and find the highest purpose fulfilled by this course of action. That's a pretty amazing realization, also.

I'm at a huge crossroads in my life. I've been making changes, consciously, deliberately, and making huge strides to becoming the person I want to be. My life is magically changing all around me. Most of it is great and fun and exciting. A few of the things that no longer match are a bit of a surprise because I'm used to them, and it feel awkward to consider the future without them. Like my work situation. I really didn't intend to break it wide open as well. But since that area is also in transition, I realize the opportunity here to really embrace these changes as well, and reinvent my work life again, focusing on what is most juicy and appealing to me right now. I don't have to keep doing the same things just because I've got momentum with them. I'm really free to decide to be someone new, someone with my experience who is using my skills in a new way. That's pretty exciting. And only a little bit scary.

In some ways, this feels like the ongoing story of my life. I've always run hard after personal growth, and focused on how to manage my life and my energy. I've always manifested new and exciting things. So this place I find myself contains echoes of past growth and experiences. One change is that I feel like the valve is wide open! It's a river of change coursing through me this time, instead of a babbling brook, or the trickle of freshly melted snow downhill. It's the runoff from a monsoon in the desert floor, a flash flood of change, leaving everything in it's path touched and changed forever.

I know I am safe, I just wasn't expecting this. It's taking a bit of refocus so I can keep reminding myself of how I'm doing very well, and how all of this is what I've manifested from decades of personal growth work, focused with the laser lens of the things I've been mastering over the last few years. There's a lot of moving water, and this is my chance to learn how to surf my own energy. How many hours have I watched the surfers from the San Clemente beach and marveled at their balance and mastery of that environment? Now it is my turn. I'm paddling out into the swell, and catching a glimpse of the wave that will create my pipe, my tunnel, to ride through.