Coincidence

So Tuesday, I cleared off my desk. And today, I got 4 new clients.

That's not a coincidence. It's the way energy works.

Wow. Thanks for the reminder.

Breaking Energy Patterns

I'm awake much later than I would like. Tonight, I feel this is caused by working too many hours for too many days without enough time off. My mind is full of words, ideas, and memories.

A few minutes ago, I found myself having an angry conversation with someone in my past based on things that happened in the past. I was being firm and telling that person the truth of my experience of him. It wasn't pretty dealing with him. I understand that he was a vibrational match for me at that time. And I know that is the same reason why those times and events are back in my mind tonight. It's really about me and not about him.

When things like this happen, when I realize that I'm rehasing the past with new clarity, I'm always grateful to realize the moment. It is always a good moment, especially when I have the awareness to jump in and process the moment. I'm always happy to get new clarity, to release something, and to make a choice about who I want to be.

I let myself talk this thing out with him. At one point, I could feel myself start to spin deeper into it. I actually wanted to call him and continue the conversation in real life. I was getting deeper into that energy and not releasing it. That's when I knew it was time to shift. That's when I decided it was time to write about it.

The person and the story are not what is important. What is important is that I made a choice to release him and those events. It's not who I want to be from this moment on. I'm not the same person I was back then. I've had years of experience since then, and I've had years of practice at being a different person. I'm so grateful that I understand that I get to choose who I am going to be by deciding who I want to be. I'm constantly improving myself. I strive every day, sometimes every hour, to be a better person that I was in the past.

I'm so grateful that I've really learned how to live in the moment and to use my power to shift my focus and attention from what I don't want to what I do want.

I want to be a person who is calm at the center because I understand who I am and how I fit into the universe. I live by faith that the universe is a supportive and nurturing place where all things conspire to fulfill my wishes before my eyes. I feel the power of the universe in every cell of my being and it gives me the courage, the fire in my belly, to be my self. My best self. My true self. My natural self. Everything I want, everything that occurs to me, is my birthright. I can be happy and fulfilled in every moment as I stay connectd to this deeper understanding.

I want to tell the story about how my life transformed before my eyes once I connected to what I wanted and could feel the strong knowing that it was mine even before it came to pass. Tonight, I can feel the power as I share that story, my story, of what is happening this month, this week, tonight, even this very hour!

What Do I Want Now?

I dreamt tonight that I encountered Philip and he did something to me. We were in approximately the same area, we noticed each other, and he seemed to be quite willing to talk. As time wen on, I ended up talking to him face-to-face. He was talking me through something, not exactly on the physical level. I was explaining to him that I didn't start talking to him so he would work with me. At that time, I noticed a flare of bright white light in his right eye and my left eye responded by opening up wider. The energy built up in his eye for just a second, and then he released a huge ball of white light energy into my left eye. I reeled a bit from accepting it, but I did accept it and it integrated with my being. I was still saying that I didn't expect him to work with me when it all happened again, except this time I was paying more attention and noticed more about the light. It was blueish white light. It looked like a fireball. It went directly from his right eye into my left and was absorbed into my energy field before it entered my physical eye, but it happened so fast that I didn't notice this distinction the first time.

I woke up soon after. I know that this really happened. In fact, I' considered contacting Philip in real life to ask him about it. But my sense was that he would say I already knew what happened. Isn't ti strange to have him appear in my life now, at this time when I'm considering so many options for my life?

In the dream, before he started to work with me, I was telling him a little bit about the options I was considering, that they were huge, life course changing events. And he kept repeating something like "well, isn't that odd/unexpected" as if to say, "Of course you are, look at what is hitting your chart."

All of this has left me wondering what is in my chart. But as soon as I had that thought, I suddenly questioned his motives and wondered if he appeared in my dream to get me to buy a reading. Isn't that strange? Don't I have better protection than that?

Now I am wondering.

I feel like my thoughts about this possible life change are very important. But what matters most, I'm starting to think, is the positive power I put into my next big vision for my life. I've had a smallish vision for myself. I wanted to keep myself employed, and I have done that. I could have had much greater success if I had asked for it. Now, I want it. I don't have to make a huge life change to just bring in more success to the life I already have. But this is the perfect time for me to consider what I want to do next, and to dream a different dream in every way that I want something different. But I can just dream a larger vision of the same dream with a few changes.

what do I want now?

Anger and My Angry Friend

I have an angry friend.

The reasons my friend is angry has nothing to do with me. It's part of what he is going through in this stage of his life. He's a good guy, and quite aware, so I'm sure that he is going to figure this out and heal the wound and the pain that plague him now.

When I'm with him, I feel uncomfortable hearing his anger. His thoughts are distorted. He thinks in black and white, condemning everything he things about. From what I observe, he stubbornly clings to his anger with self righteousness. He feel justified to be so angry. And yet his actions and choices and thought only handcuff him to more of the same. He is really unwilling to release himself from this self-made prison.

I am a different kind of person. I can't ever remember being that angry. My heart was always more teachable than his. Even at times when perhaps I should have been angry and used that anger to stand up for myself, I didn't. I always felt that I was being taught something by the circumstances. When I do get angry, it blows white hot and then passes quickly. Once it is gone, it is gone. I don't hold a grudge, or even remember being angry later.

Perhaps I learned to be teachable in part from my father, who would get frustrated and rage at anyone around. He didn't strike anyone, but he yelled and verbally attacked. I learned at an early age the importance of moving away from the focus of his anger. Like me, he would blow hot and it would be over. No apologies, but it was truly over. I see my brother doing something similar, but I give him complete credit for this: he apologizes for his outbursts.

I think my mutable water nature is mostly the reason for my lack of anger. I also have very little fire energy. So more than the environmental factors, I think I am just cut from a different bolt of fabric. This also makes it harder for me to just sit with my friend's anger. I know the benefit of releasing it and moving on. But I can't help anyone else. I don't know why I can't remember that when I'm looking into the eyes of a friend who is suffering. I can only answer questions when they are asked. I can't provide clues or answers before then because they only appear as annoying noise.

I can completely separate myself from his anger and his state. Even being with him, I don't feel influenced by his anger. I also feel safe. I know that even if he gets frustrated with me, I'm safe with him. That is important. I feel detached from him and his anger in the same way I feel detached from a friend who insists that the waiter return their meal to the kitchen several times. It's not met, it's them. I'm very clear about that.

I've realized the last two times I've had lunch with him that I really don't know how to act in this situation. I really fumble and don't know what to say because nearly everything I say ends up frustrating him. I'm not afraid to be his friend through this phase, I just don't seem to know how to be his friend right now.

So today when I got back, I wrote him an email and said that I didn't know how to be his friend right now, that I realize what I'm doing is adding to his frustration, and that I want to know how to be his friend. I got back a very sweet note from him about his appreciation for my friendship. His advise for me, as I summed it up, is to just listen and don't talk. Don't try to comfort him. Don't be logical. I can do this.

I'm not sure if I am odd with my anger, if most people are like my friend, or just how it plays out. I've not been around such anger before. It's not my favorite thing (as I'm sure it is not his favorite thing). We process our emotions very differently. I'm grateful for this opportunity to learn something new. I find myself really hoping that I don't need to use it very much in the future. I prefer to spend time with people who are more like me, who are geared to learn from situation, to submit to the higher wisdom of myself in challenging situations. I don't want to be an angry friend to people, and I hope I always remain the kind of person who seeks the growth opportunity. I'm sure I won't do that perfectly, but it is my goal.

What's Going On?

I've really been scolding myself lately to keep my energy to myself. I can hardly contain myself because of the shift in my energy caused by my interest in this man.

On the one hand, I know that my energy travels and that at some level, he is aware of what is happening. It's not just my behavior that I'm focused on, it's my stray thoughts and running energy. My intention is not to pursue this man, so that means not just my behavior, but my energy needs to conform.

On the other hand, it's really exciting to feel myself so open and vulnerable. This has nothing to do with him, but with me. I try to reign myself in with that remembrance. At the same time, I'm trying to let myself feel everything I feel.

I'm a little off balance with this change. My static energy and my routine sense of balance are disrupted. It's a new thing, and of course it will take me a little bit of time to figure out what is going on and how to manage it.

When I woke up this morning, I realized in my dream I was visiting him at work. It felt like I was stalking him at work. I immediately started scolding myself and said STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT, as if words could reign in my energy.

I'm really in a quandary about this.

The House Blessing

My work life is changing. I see the potential for a gap in my schedule as I focus on finding new kinds of work and new clients. I've decided that I will leverage what I already know, slice it up in a different way, and see if I can generate an income stream from it. Right now, the biggest ideas are for a handful of ebooks I could write and sell.

For some time, I've been thinking about writing an ebook about what I've learned on space clearing and feng shui. It's something I've been using in my own life for almost 15 years, and while I'm not an expert, I do have information that other people might find interesting or valuable. I've started mapping out the possible contents for this book.

At the same time, I manifested an opportunity to do a space clearing/home blessing for someone I've just met. I did the event last night, and my experience of it is fresh. So here is the story of my preparation and conducting the session.

To start, I pulled out my space clearing tools and spent some time thinking about each of them. Things like: when did I purchase the item, why did I want it, how do I use it, etc. Then, I grabbed the space clearing book I bought 10 years ago and reviewed a few of the chapters. I made some quick notes, things that struck me as fundamental, things I had forgotten, and some of my own ideas triggered by what I read. I spent a few days re-reading this information, formulating ideas in my mind about what I might do.

The day before the ceremony, I pulled out all of my tools and the things I thought I might want to use. I pulled them together and spent a little time with them.

The day of the ceremony, I started my personal preparation. I gathered the tools in front of me and started to set up my altar. I started my prayers and set my intentions for the work. Using my notes and the ideas I had percolated, I started to create the order of events and decide which tools I would use for each portion of the ceremony. Then, I ran through what I was going to do and say a few times, very loosely, wanting to save most of the energy for the event. However, I felt so strongly into the event at this point, I knew that everything I was doing was part of the ceremony. I was in that sacred space. When I had outlined my events and selected my tools, I started pulling them together and putting them into the container for transportation.

At this point, I had decided I wanted to gift the homeowner with some aromatherapy, so I pulled out my oils and moved to the kitchen counter. I selected the oils and started assembling the mix. When that was finished, I added her oil to the transportation box.

One interesting point is that I realized at this point that I was getting guidance, and I remember thinking: If I forget the matches, it is okay because I have a lighter in the truck. Funny thing, that thought was actually guidance telling me that I was forgetting to pack the matches. I discovered that later at the site, and did go out to the truck to get my lighter. I got the guidance, I just didn't quite realize what was happening. I had to laugh when I realized it later.

I am flexible and accomodating, so when I arrived at the ceremony, I took the pulse of the homeowner and her participant and gauged my actions towards the window I felt was available. I sensed that they were not so open, even though I was told through words that they were open, to some alternative views. I could just feel it, a rigidity in thought. As a result, I shifted what I had planned to do to stay more traditional. Not so much my actions, but my words. It through me off a bit, but it had an interesting learning for me. I ended up praying a more traditional Christian prayer, something I haven't done for a very long time. The thoughts I created, the wishes that came, were different to fit the situation. It was as if I was thinking in a different language, and some ideas were just no longer available to me. That was the first surprise. The second one: I was totally in the same sacred space saying those prayers with words and thoughts that were actually foreign to my path and walk. I have felt for some time that I could translate my faith into something that Christians could understand, that I could walk on the common ground, and I found through experience that was true. It's a pretty big understanding. I need to think about this a bit more.

I showed up in the same sacred space but almost like I was a different player in the play. I had different thoughts as well as different words. But I was on the same stage I normally find myself.

I felt I was very casual and open during the ceremony. I wasn't off task, but I was very transparent and open as I went through the process. Perhaps too transparent if I'm going to continue doing this kind of work. And perhaps the ceremony lasted too long. I might be able to figure out a way to accomplish the same work with fewer steps so the length is shorter and the event is more structured.

There came a point when I knew the clearing was done. I almost didn't finish clearing the house in that pass, I started to return to the altar and the homeowner pointed it out to me. I realized I was totally following the energy of the event and not a schedule. I also decided to skip the last step, partly because I just knew it was done, and partly to shorten the time. I need to think some more about the structure. I think I could use fewer clearing modalities and accomplish the same work. Perhaps I should take all four and then only use the one(s) that I feel are needed. Some are stronger than others, each has a slightly different purpose. They are each a different actor on the same stage, eh?

They had a refreshment afterward. I think that is a good thing to have at the end, a small breaking of bread with something sweet to end the ceremony. Think about that.

I used solar purified water for the event, and I could feel the difference.

At the end, I had them read their prayers/wishes/intentions for the house, and we burned them in the sage bowl. I used the Tibetan chimes at the end of each one. At one point, at exactly the moment I hit the chimes, the smoke detector went off at exactly the same pitch. It sounded for a moment as if the chime was sounding on a different plane of existence and we were able to hear that. It was a magical moment. We did realize it was the smoke detector, and at that second, it cut itself off. The homeowner opened two doors at that point so we didn't have any more smoke issues.

I hadn't thought through the sage smoke issue very well. I guess it was because I don't have any issue here in this house with the smoke. But that is something I will have to think through a bit more.

I need to create a very strong opening and closing for the event. It was stream of consciousness throughout. I think I did a good job with the open and close, but I would do better if I developed more of a boilerplate message for each end and used it each time. I would be more grounded and sure that I had accomplished the start and close clearly and with the greatest human impact.

I didn't do some of the things I normally do, and some of the things I intended to do. I intended to consciously expand my energy to fill the space at the start, and it just didn't cross my mind that it was time to do that. Also, I didn't do some of the prayers I usually do, inviting in the keepers, etc. I think part of the reason for both of this omissions is because I had been in sacred space for several hours at that point. I normally take those actions as I step into sacred space. I had already called them in, I knew they were already with me. Just more to think about.

The homeowner's friend took many pictures throughout the ceremony. I was amazingly unselfconscious. I am curious to see my energy in those pictures, to see if there is anything I can see in them.

Quick Update and Look Forward

What a difference a day makes.

Since I last posted, so much has changed. I'm so grateful that I've learned how to embrace my negative feelings, be grateful for them, and focus on the fresh, new desires they birth inside me. In writing that post, I shifted my energy from treading water in my pain to facing the future with gratitude. Within hours, things started changing. My vulnerabilities were addressed by people who initiated the conversations. I don't feel any need to dwell on the mechanics or details of this, only to report that this is what happened.

Today, I find myself even further along that road. I actually feel excitement and enthusiasm for the potential of the future. I'm eager to have fresh work, new experiences, and try out even more new behaviors.

Oh, one last thought about the feeling I could trace back to high school. I think that I had figured out back then how to gauge my energy from the feedback and how to figure out new behaviors to try. It wasn't clean and pure, I still blamed myself for the feedback because I didn't have my power clear in my own heart. But I had already figured out the basic mechanics of transformation. I just wasn't giving myself credit for the great places I was reaching and didn't realize the importance of what I was doing.

I was doing pretty well back then. I can see that today.

Monsoon Surfing

Over the last few days, I've felt really strong emotions that have brought me into a more alert place. I've been aching to talk to someone about what I'm feeling, but there is no one. (That thought is not exactly correct, but there is no one I felt I could call tonight to talk this through.) I thought tonight that perhaps I should return here and write about what is going on as a way to process it.

Before I started this post, I read my last few posts. Very interesting. Apparently, I thought I was going to keep writing here about the things going on last year. I can see why I thought it would be helpful. But the reality of the last year was that I was learning new ways to process my life, and writing wasn't primary. I learned how to process things using my right brain instead. No linear strings of verbal meaning. Images. Pictures. Dreams. Focused energy. And the writing I did was from a different place. It was more about sucking the marrow out of the dreams, living them as if they had already happened. Things like feeling the wind on my face while I drive around in my new SUV with a moon roof. Things that later came to be because I dreamed them.

I learned spider medicine last year. I learned how to spin an idea, a new idea of something that I want, into a web to hold it when it arrives. I manifested so many things in my world since February 2007 that I could never begin to write here to summarize the story. But this is another story, one worth writing about, and it is not the reason I'm sitting here at the computer long after I want to be asleep.

I realized yesterday that my intention to create a safe environment for myself, a place where the energy was clear and good, and I could play and grow in safety, has been accomplished. I sort of already knew that. But what I didn't know is that my strategy for making that happen, and my focus on this caused me to sort of cocoon myself in here. It fit with my natural aversion for icky energy. My hermit tendencies also include a self-preservation impulse, a desire to feather a nest where I am safe and supported. But what I didn't realize is that I've also locked out other people in this process.

This realization happened because I realized I have a crush on a man in my life. It's not about the idea of a future with this guy. It's about me realizing that there are men out there that have qualities I adore, and about realizing that I've created such a barrier that I don't allow anyone with different energy into my circle. Including male energy.

That's a big thing to realize. My instinct to protect myself has ended up isolating me from anyone not exactly like me. I realize that I'm actually hungry for interaction with male energy, and that I miss having a whole, complete, and different person sharing my space and life.

Perhaps this is a bit like my media fast, which lasted almost two decades, and really only ended when I serendipitously discovered that I had developed a sense of protection that made the artificial protection of a fast no long necessary or valuable. Perhaps I have just reached a point in my growth where my sense of self and self care momentum are strong enough to allow other people into my world without causing me any harm. I didn't have to choose to do it this way. I could have jumped in with both feet many years ago and learned to tread water and swim in the deep end. But that's not the path I chose, for whatever reason.

I feel a bit raw tonight. I feel hot tears in my eyes. I feel my thoughts taking a new route, which is a bit strange. I can feel that they have a habit of running one direction (towards regret and blame) and I feel the well-worn grooves of riding that direction, and yet, I'm not traveling that way. I can feel the natural choice to travel a different path, to show myself compassion and find the highest purpose fulfilled by this course of action. That's a pretty amazing realization, also.

I'm at a huge crossroads in my life. I've been making changes, consciously, deliberately, and making huge strides to becoming the person I want to be. My life is magically changing all around me. Most of it is great and fun and exciting. A few of the things that no longer match are a bit of a surprise because I'm used to them, and it feel awkward to consider the future without them. Like my work situation. I really didn't intend to break it wide open as well. But since that area is also in transition, I realize the opportunity here to really embrace these changes as well, and reinvent my work life again, focusing on what is most juicy and appealing to me right now. I don't have to keep doing the same things just because I've got momentum with them. I'm really free to decide to be someone new, someone with my experience who is using my skills in a new way. That's pretty exciting. And only a little bit scary.

In some ways, this feels like the ongoing story of my life. I've always run hard after personal growth, and focused on how to manage my life and my energy. I've always manifested new and exciting things. So this place I find myself contains echoes of past growth and experiences. One change is that I feel like the valve is wide open! It's a river of change coursing through me this time, instead of a babbling brook, or the trickle of freshly melted snow downhill. It's the runoff from a monsoon in the desert floor, a flash flood of change, leaving everything in it's path touched and changed forever.

I know I am safe, I just wasn't expecting this. It's taking a bit of refocus so I can keep reminding myself of how I'm doing very well, and how all of this is what I've manifested from decades of personal growth work, focused with the laser lens of the things I've been mastering over the last few years. There's a lot of moving water, and this is my chance to learn how to surf my own energy. How many hours have I watched the surfers from the San Clemente beach and marveled at their balance and mastery of that environment? Now it is my turn. I'm paddling out into the swell, and catching a glimpse of the wave that will create my pipe, my tunnel, to ride through.