I'm Done Trying To Make Things Work

It's been an interesting day and night.

I wish I could sleep. But at the same time, I'm enjoying the revelations I've been having as I smooth out my energy around a few challenges in my life.

Let's start there.

I have a couple relationships with challenges either now or in the recent past. The interesting thing is that I'm not upset about them. I can clearly see where the challenges have come from, and I don't feel responsible for either the problems or the solutions. I feel removed from the situations. I can see where I've contributed to the challenges, but mostly what I feel is that everyone is just doing their best and these were inevitable.

Yes, I do feel that I'm not playing the same game as these other people. We are not equally matched, and I understood that from the beginning. I like them. I see who they are. And I see that we are like people living on different floors of a building with only an empty elevator shaft to connect us. Some of the time, the differences don't matter because they don't enter the picture. But eventually, the differences do appear and when they do, there isn't anything to be done. Everyone is already doing their best.

I'm not mad at these people for misunderstanding me or making conclusion that they project onto me. I can see that they cannot do it differently. I don't feel any need to explain myself or justify myself, either. It's almost like the difficulties don't really matter to me. And it feels a little like I'm moving forward without them. Without resolution. But I'm not angry, and they are free to join me at any time in the future, with no questions asked, with no explanation needed.

It's odd because I feel one of them stewing a bit about this and can almost hear the conversation on the other side, laying out for me everything I've done wrong, expecting me to listen to all of my offenses. And I suppose some action is also wanted. But I'm not interested in hearing about what anyone thinks I've done wrong. Because I know my intentions are clear and that I've been misunderstood and not seen clearly. It's not that I don't care about how the other person feels. It's that I know I'm not responsible for it.

I don't intend to sit through any sort of meeting where I'm blasted with the perspective of the other side and then expected to do something. I can't really say that I'm sorry that the misunderstanding has even happened because I don't feel I've contributed to it. I can see it was inevitable. I don't expect the people on the other side to change or understand me. What I'd like is for each of them to process it on their own and come to their own conclusion about the value of the relationship to them, and the act accordingly.

This whole thing is odd to me, and it's the first time I've felt like I'm in this situation.

I can remember times in the past when I was the person on the other side, and I expected to be heard and listened to and I expected some sort of almost apology for the fact that they contributed to my feeling this way. But I see with crystal clarity tonight that every time I feel something in response to someone else, it's truly about me and not them. Even if they meant to hurt me.

It's almost like I understand tonight that no one else owes me anything in any relationship. That if I like what's going on, if I can play the game at the highest possible level, I can enjoy every relationship no matter what is going on. No matter what the other person is doing. And if I can't play the game at the highest possible level, I need to step back and smooth out my own energy and come back when I am available at that level.

Of course, I'm also free to just keep going in my own life without those people, too.

It's feeling odd, but I must admit, it also feels extremely centered and balanced, and like I've just taken a huge step forward. Like this truth has been just out of my reach for a while, and I've just reached it.

It's a profound understanding of the interaction between self-reliance and independence within relationships. Detachment and intimacy at the same time.

I knew I needed to get up and write here. I've ploughed through many more layers since I've been writing than I was able to reach just thinking about it. My truism is still true: If you want to really learn something, write about it.

As I was smoothing out my energy with one person earlier, I was thinking through a whole list of releases. Things I am releasing this person from. Permission I am giving them to take any action they feel is best. I don't have any expectations of the shape of the relationship going forward.

But in the process of doing that, of making those releases, I found that I also released myself from something in my work that has been distracting me.

I am no longer willing to coax people to do what is in their best interest.

I have suddenly become totally the tough love person. If you want to do something, and you want some help, I'm available. But it's not my job to help you get a vision for what you can do and what is possible for you.

What a sense of freedom this gives me from my potential (and current) client list! When they are ready, they will call me. Or they won't call me. Or they will call someone else. No matter what happens, it doesn't matter. I'm off doing my own work. If they are a match for me, if they want to play the game at my level, I'm here. I'm available, I'm willing to be generous with my insights, advice, and support. But only when they show up ready to work and play the game at my level.

I don't want to ever have another new client meeting like I had on Saturday. Or like I did last Tuesday where I got my soapbox and told them the hard truth about how they are playing instead of running a business.

Instead, I want to recognize earlier that these are not my people and make the choice not to spend my time or energy with them. I want to free myself to keep working on my business, to keep raising the level of where I play my own game. No more investing time with potential clients who interrupt me just as I'm ready to tell them the truth. No more trying to make things work that don't fit together.