Anger and My Angry Friend

I have an angry friend.

The reasons my friend is angry has nothing to do with me. It's part of what he is going through in this stage of his life. He's a good guy, and quite aware, so I'm sure that he is going to figure this out and heal the wound and the pain that plague him now.

When I'm with him, I feel uncomfortable hearing his anger. His thoughts are distorted. He thinks in black and white, condemning everything he things about. From what I observe, he stubbornly clings to his anger with self righteousness. He feel justified to be so angry. And yet his actions and choices and thought only handcuff him to more of the same. He is really unwilling to release himself from this self-made prison.

I am a different kind of person. I can't ever remember being that angry. My heart was always more teachable than his. Even at times when perhaps I should have been angry and used that anger to stand up for myself, I didn't. I always felt that I was being taught something by the circumstances. When I do get angry, it blows white hot and then passes quickly. Once it is gone, it is gone. I don't hold a grudge, or even remember being angry later.

Perhaps I learned to be teachable in part from my father, who would get frustrated and rage at anyone around. He didn't strike anyone, but he yelled and verbally attacked. I learned at an early age the importance of moving away from the focus of his anger. Like me, he would blow hot and it would be over. No apologies, but it was truly over. I see my brother doing something similar, but I give him complete credit for this: he apologizes for his outbursts.

I think my mutable water nature is mostly the reason for my lack of anger. I also have very little fire energy. So more than the environmental factors, I think I am just cut from a different bolt of fabric. This also makes it harder for me to just sit with my friend's anger. I know the benefit of releasing it and moving on. But I can't help anyone else. I don't know why I can't remember that when I'm looking into the eyes of a friend who is suffering. I can only answer questions when they are asked. I can't provide clues or answers before then because they only appear as annoying noise.

I can completely separate myself from his anger and his state. Even being with him, I don't feel influenced by his anger. I also feel safe. I know that even if he gets frustrated with me, I'm safe with him. That is important. I feel detached from him and his anger in the same way I feel detached from a friend who insists that the waiter return their meal to the kitchen several times. It's not met, it's them. I'm very clear about that.

I've realized the last two times I've had lunch with him that I really don't know how to act in this situation. I really fumble and don't know what to say because nearly everything I say ends up frustrating him. I'm not afraid to be his friend through this phase, I just don't seem to know how to be his friend right now.

So today when I got back, I wrote him an email and said that I didn't know how to be his friend right now, that I realize what I'm doing is adding to his frustration, and that I want to know how to be his friend. I got back a very sweet note from him about his appreciation for my friendship. His advise for me, as I summed it up, is to just listen and don't talk. Don't try to comfort him. Don't be logical. I can do this.

I'm not sure if I am odd with my anger, if most people are like my friend, or just how it plays out. I've not been around such anger before. It's not my favorite thing (as I'm sure it is not his favorite thing). We process our emotions very differently. I'm grateful for this opportunity to learn something new. I find myself really hoping that I don't need to use it very much in the future. I prefer to spend time with people who are more like me, who are geared to learn from situation, to submit to the higher wisdom of myself in challenging situations. I don't want to be an angry friend to people, and I hope I always remain the kind of person who seeks the growth opportunity. I'm sure I won't do that perfectly, but it is my goal.