Raw and Vulnerable

My buttons have been pushed. I'm aware that I'm raw and vulenrable just below the surface.

Yesterday while reaching my Twitter article, I visited the account of a woman I had hoped would become a friend several years ago. I noticed her friendly outgoing way with the people in her community. I felt jealous. I felt unloved. I felt that I was somehow less than those people.

It didn't matter that my brain could explain a lot of things to me. That this woman is broken in ways that I can see, that she's really not the right kind of person for me. All I could feel was the pain of the rejection of a friendship that I thought I wanted.

What is that about?

I feel that way frequently. There are several people that are in my orbit where I can feel that sort of outsider pang of loneliness. I reached out to another one of them a few months back and when I suggested getting together, she immediately shut me down. That pain is the same as this one.

What is this about?

I know that I'm hungry for friendship. I know that I'm going through a phase where I'm feeling a little lost and forgotten by the world. My best energy work, my best efforts to manage myself and keep myself on track can't prevent me from admitting that I feel this way.

And I wonder. Am I really not a right fit for so many people around me? Or is there another reason why I am going through this. Is there something really off about me?

I understand that I live in a world of cause and effect, that my energy pings around and bounces around ineffective until I learn how to master it. What does this feeling, these women, have to teach me about myself? Can I find the real value of this experience so I can heal and move forward?

When I think about Squamish, I realize that I'm doing it again. I'm failing to show up in a big way in my own life. I'm in fear about that event. And the crazy, insane crazy thing is that I've already paid for it. I've already taken the hit. You would think that I'd relax and be excited about it.

What can this event teach me about myself?

After listing to Brene Brown, I'm so much more prepared to allow myself to be vulnerable. To feel this and allow myself to have this experience. And how do I balance these feelings with what I know--that I must manage my energy and stay focused on the good, on what's right in my life, if I want to really become who I want to be and live the life I feel is waiting for me!

I'm willing to do this work.

I've already started it, but I'm jumping in with both feet right now.

Less Flailing, More Surrender

It's been an interesting time in my life.

In the last month or so, I've broken two teeth, had an extraction, a root canal, and gum surgery on one side of my mouth. Tonight, I either broke another tooth, or lost a filling.

I've had a plumber out because there is no hot water in my shower, only to have hot water each time he came.

My desktop crashed two nights ago, only to be working fine when it arrived at a friend's for repair.

I fired my accountant 10 days before my taxes had to be filed by the extension. I've interviewed and not hired an accountant, and now I've hired an accountant.

I've had more scorpions in the house than I like. One appeared to me energetically in my sleep at the entry point. Christine suggested that it might be my shadow totem.

I'm not sure how I'm going to pay November's bills.

And yet, I'm relatively calm and collected this week as I've traveled through the computer crash and now more teeth damage.

September was a really tough patch in the road for me. I hit a new low in confidence and found my way back from the edge. My new mantra is: less flailing, more surrender. It reminds me that wasting energy on emotional reactions doesn't help me grow or even problem solve. Instead, I need to embrace a wide-eyes factual view of the reality in the context of faith. The universe is either a nurturing and supportive place, or it isn't. And if I say I believe it is, there is no need to panic or flail. I need to keep treading water as I wait for the storm to pass, and the sun to break through again.

I certainly didn't need more dental problems or this week's computer problems. But perhaps these events were necessary to really give me the opportunity to sail through, cool as a cucumber, and to demonstrate my faith and inner peace. I am strangely proud of myself tonight. I can almost feel my guides around me smiling. Perhaps I have hit bottom now and things really will turn around. I could sure use some of that!

In the last three years, I've really learned a lot. I am feeling the huge mass of it before me now, and I'm surprised by the amount of it. Before this time, I might have suspected that I believed I was in control because I always had a plan, a solution, a way to make things better. But I had cut myself off from my humanity, my vulnerability, and my heart's depth. I was living a negotiated life. I was living on a movie set instead of living my adventure. I see that now.

Sometimes I imagine people who are living their lives, insulated from the economic challenges of the times, and I can't imagine their lives. I envy them, I must admit, working on their budgets and plans, feeling competent and powerful, making things happen. I remember when I felt like that. A part of me still wishes I felt like that.

But I'm confident that as I get over my shock and the wounds heal, that I'll appreciate the richness and new depth that I've reached in this stage of my journey. And one day, I'll look at my life and feel in my depths appreciation for everything I've gained during this time of shocking loss. And because I know that is my future, I can start to embrace those feelings right now. Tonight. I have no idea how the solution will unfold, but I do know tonight that the solution is already seeking me as I am seeking it. It's just about exercising my surrender muscle without flinching until the events of my life no longer cause me to jerk flinch in response. Until I can breath in and out, taking in the fullness of life with each breath, and feeling my place in the universe.

All is truly well.

Sobbing Into My Pillow

It's almost 5 am and I still haven't been to sleep. When I went to bed, I found my head was racing with feelings and ideas I want to express, words to make a bridge between me and another person I think has the capacity to understand me. Someone I can pour my heart out, even the parts that are a bit wounded and smarting.

I feel that the reason, or perhaps the benefit, of this imaginary conversation, is to allow me to see parts of my life side by side, parts that I normally don't link together. There is a pattern, and by telling the story tonight into my pillow, I saw it. It touched me. I sobbed.

I know that the important thing is for me to release these feelings and go on with my life. But at the same time, I find myself wondering tonight if perhaps I could be allowed to find a real flesh and blood person I could tell my story to.

When I heard my story tonight, I realized I have more storytelling to do. I feel a bit resistant to this, resistant to feeling the pain and vulnerability of being so real. And yet that is exactly the kind of person I want to be, so my reluctance surprises me.

I'm so tired I am having trouble getting my fingers to type all of the correct letters here and none of the wrong letters. Perhaps I should save the rest of my thoughts for another time.

What's Going On?

I've really been scolding myself lately to keep my energy to myself. I can hardly contain myself because of the shift in my energy caused by my interest in this man.

On the one hand, I know that my energy travels and that at some level, he is aware of what is happening. It's not just my behavior that I'm focused on, it's my stray thoughts and running energy. My intention is not to pursue this man, so that means not just my behavior, but my energy needs to conform.

On the other hand, it's really exciting to feel myself so open and vulnerable. This has nothing to do with him, but with me. I try to reign myself in with that remembrance. At the same time, I'm trying to let myself feel everything I feel.

I'm a little off balance with this change. My static energy and my routine sense of balance are disrupted. It's a new thing, and of course it will take me a little bit of time to figure out what is going on and how to manage it.

When I woke up this morning, I realized in my dream I was visiting him at work. It felt like I was stalking him at work. I immediately started scolding myself and said STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT, as if words could reign in my energy.

I'm really in a quandary about this.

Quick Update and Look Forward

What a difference a day makes.

Since I last posted, so much has changed. I'm so grateful that I've learned how to embrace my negative feelings, be grateful for them, and focus on the fresh, new desires they birth inside me. In writing that post, I shifted my energy from treading water in my pain to facing the future with gratitude. Within hours, things started changing. My vulnerabilities were addressed by people who initiated the conversations. I don't feel any need to dwell on the mechanics or details of this, only to report that this is what happened.

Today, I find myself even further along that road. I actually feel excitement and enthusiasm for the potential of the future. I'm eager to have fresh work, new experiences, and try out even more new behaviors.

Oh, one last thought about the feeling I could trace back to high school. I think that I had figured out back then how to gauge my energy from the feedback and how to figure out new behaviors to try. It wasn't clean and pure, I still blamed myself for the feedback because I didn't have my power clear in my own heart. But I had already figured out the basic mechanics of transformation. I just wasn't giving myself credit for the great places I was reaching and didn't realize the importance of what I was doing.

I was doing pretty well back then. I can see that today.

Vulnerable and Willing

Here I am, hot tears again, and feeling the need to let it out through my words.

I don't know if my feelings are right, but I'm feeling not liked by a group of people I've embraced. It might be right. I am no stranger to people not taking to me. I'm trying to stay calm and figure out what is really happening here.

First, I'm feeling a bit vulnerable lately. I've been acting out a lot of new behaviors and having great results. But even so, the result is that I'm feeling a bit out on a limb with all of the newness. And there is my revelation yesterday, and I'm not going to recover that ground now.

Second, these people are all busy with their own lives. The small actions/inactions that I'm taking as slights are small things, and from people who are busy. Their actions are much more about them than about me. I know that in my head, of course.

Third, I haven't really learned how to be warm and cozy with people, so some of what is going on could really be feedback to me about how I'm coming off. I'm intense and impulsive, not the best combination, I know. I have been guilty of trying too hard in the past. Maybe I am just hearing that message again, and need to make some smallish adjustments.

But the largest thing in all of this is that I just want to be loved and appreciated. I really don't care who loves me or appreciates me. I mean that in the right way. I don't have any hoped pinned on any one of these people. I don't care if any one of them likes me or doesn't like me. I just want to find the ones who do like me. And this ties back beautifully to the first point... my vulnerability.

My gawd, this feels like high school where I was always trying to figure out how to be less intense and be just enough to pull in people. Some things never seem to change in my life. I wonder about that. I wonder if that is because I realized early who I am, or if this is an entire pattern of behavior that should just be released.

OK, here's what I'm going to do.

First, I'm going to just feel all of this emotion running through me. Of course I'm feeling vulnerable. Of course I want to be loved and appreciated. Nothing wrong with feeling all of this.

Second, I'm not feeling people warm up to me, so I'm going to take this as feedback. I have no way right now to know on a case by case basis if this is because it's a wrong match for me, or if I'm just too intense. Either way, the feedback seems to be that my energy in these directions is misplaced for right now. I need to be quiet and watch what happens. I may get a chance to ask some of them directly, but I'm not counting on that. I will be direct if I get the opportunity.

Third, the real heart of this issue is inside of me. I know that as long as I am feeling unloved and unappreciated, that is the kind of energy that is going to come right back to me. I need some time and space to process this by myself. More than anything else right now, I want to learn how to balance my energy in a stronger way. I want to learn how to feel the love and appreciation of the universe for me, and my own love and appreciation for myself. This is the antidote to what I'm feeling.

Oh Great Spirit, I see the road opening up before me, and I willingly commit to walking this road. I take this first step in faith, and I face the unknown, the mystery that will be revealed to me as I travel this land. I intend to explore this territory and learn what I can, and to apply myself to mastering the gate that will give me access to the next challenge before me in life. I offer my vulnerable heartscape, and the fallow ground it still contains, to hold the beauty of the world and of myself that I will encounter here. It is so.