Reclaiming My Space & Life

After several weeks of overworking, I slept for 14 hours last night. It felt great to sleep until I woke up.

I realized something over the last few day. I've been feeling hungry all of the time. At least that is how I've been explaining my feeling. But I realized that what I'm feeling is my metabolism at a higher rate. It has to do with energy and not with hunger or appetite. But my instinct is to want to eat.

Now that I realize this, I'm free to reframe the experience and think about it differently.

I think I could munch on carrots if I'm really having a physical reaction and want to deal with it on that level.

I can choose how I want to experience this. Cool.

So when I got up, I went into my office. I had this vision for sorting through a few of the notebooks on the shelf above my desk. I wanted to organize my webinar notes, too. I dove in and went much deeper. I tossed a lot of things, and sorted out a lot of things that are not important any more.

At one point, I had so much going on that I started to get a little overwhelmed. So I stopped and shifted gears. I didn't get back to that task today. But I'll wrap it up tomorrow. It's good to make so much progress in one day. Or weekend.

Piece by piece, my life is coming back together.

Solstice

I'm feeling so many things tonight that I feel I need to type my journal entry. There's too much to say to hand write tonight.

For the last week, I've been feeling drafty or exposed in my life. Like I'm trying too hard to be heard or appreciated. Like the people I'm reaching out to don't want as much of me as I'm offering. It's such a subtle thing, but I trust my instinct. The primary person is someone I like, someone of high quality, someone I would like to have as a friend. But it feels like I want this more than she does. So I'm going to pull back by choice.

At the same time this is happening, I'm feeling a need to examine her and figure out why she isn't a good match for me. To find out what is wrong with her, or at least, wrong for me. I don't know if this is a smart thing, or something I'm doing out of self defense. I do feel at some level that this is a follower, someone who doesn't feel capable of having her own backbone, creating her own life and business. She wants to follow, to be part of the respected entourage of someone famous in the petri dish. While I understand this, it isn't a quality of a person I really want in my own inner circle. Especially because of the galaxy she has chosen. There is a real disconnect here. And yet, for the most part, I do know that she forms her own opinions and speaks her mind even in that geography. And good for her.

She's connected to another person that I had wanted in my life in a larger way. This other woman has limited her access with me very clearly. It's so funny... when we see each other, when we speak, she says that she wants to spend time with me. But when I initiate contact, she diffuses it. I realized with her a long time ago that her actions are not in sync with her words, and listened to her actions. These two women are connected, that's partly why this other woman is coming up for me now.

But really, I'm feeling the pattern. I'm feeling the other times I've felt this energy with people. I know I have a lot to say tonight, but I truly don't want to just vent about these uncomfortable feelings. I really want to move beyond this level of processing to reach a new point of clarity. But I'm willing to explore and see what is coming up, with the intention of releasing it and moving on.

I think I've almost always felt either that the people around me don't want so much of me, or that the hollowness around me is good because it is honest and there isn't really anyone who wants in. I wonder if this is a true understanding of this experience. I'm certainly open to a new way to see this, and to reach a new point of healing on this. Both of these are extremes related to feeling disconnected, one while surrounded by people, the other while being alone. That's certainly a theme of my life. And yet, it contains profound truth at the same time.

But what catches me here tonight is that this is about the duality of life, and I really want to transcend duality when possible. I know that transcending doesn't mean I won't still breathe in and out in this world of the illusion of separation and duality. But I can step into the space where I recognize duality and find the oneness solution point. I may not be able to live in that space, but I can make it a habit to return there when I find myself outside it.

Tonight, I also starting retreading the worst professional experience of my life, the worst points of the entire two year time I spent in that job. I know that tomorrow's event is triggering this memory in part, but it is also related to this feeling.

Perhaps this hermit life, this connection/separation lesson that I have come to believe is part of my life lesson, perhaps this is actually little more than a myth that I've taken on as a mantle, and that I can cast off just as easily. Perhaps I wrestle (that's too strong of a word) with this because I expect to wrestle with this.

I dozed on the couch tonight, and when I awoke, a PBS special was playing. It talked about how people are frustrated, how they feel beaten down because their business efforts and financial life during this economy are not what they expect. I found myself listening, and taking a strategy. I thought that if I could take this knowledge, this position that people are reaching, and accept that it is real, that I could find a way to transcend it. As I woke up, and as I observed this thinking, I was first disappointed with myself, and then, I felt enlightened. I was disappointed that I would allow other people's experience of their lives to limit what I believe is possible for my own life. That I would accept this assemblage point for myself. And then I realized that my strategy involved finding a way that I could feel good in the midst of this feeling bad. It was me trying to find alignment in the midst of misalignment. That's something I can celebrate. The entire strategy is flawed because it started out from frustration and lack of vision, but the fact that my entire being is oriented to finding alignment, a way to feel better and more powerful in my own life--that's something to appreciate and celebrate.

As I lay in bed reflecting on these many experiences around this theme, I realized that I had some things to process (hence the writing) and that the most helpful thing I can do tonight is to meditate. To clear my own mind, to find my alignment with my own dreams and aspirations, to gird my loins with my own vision and empower myself to launch fresh tomorrow. And every tomorrow that follows. That's true alignment, and the greatest path to my own empowerment.

People. Relationships. Space. Silence. Doing it my own way. Stubbornly, sometimes. Dreaming. Working hard. These are the themes of my experience so far. I suspect that I can just drop many of them and they will melt away like a mist around me. I feel that as I stand here this morning in the near solstice pre-dawn hours, that I'm reaching some deep core place inside me. That's I'm seeing what is essential with x-ray vision, and that I can step forward when I'm ready, when I feel compelled to step, into a fresh life, a fresh vision. Unencumbered with baggage. Strengthened with clarity and courage. Inspired by my own dreams of what is possible in my life.

I've been putting up with a lot of things in my daily life that I just don't like. I've gotten used to wrestling with them. I'm ready to step out of this cloak into the fresh new day that awaits me. That my soul longs for. That I've been dreaming about. The space around me begins to fill up with the things that are a match for me now. Now. Now. As the universe responds to who I feel I am. Who I choose to be in this instant.

I stand waiting, eyes closed, mists whirling around me in the darkness. Feeling goosebumps of anticipation. Waiting for the moment when that inner nudge says it is time to step into the magic of who I choose to be.

The House Blessing

My work life is changing. I see the potential for a gap in my schedule as I focus on finding new kinds of work and new clients. I've decided that I will leverage what I already know, slice it up in a different way, and see if I can generate an income stream from it. Right now, the biggest ideas are for a handful of ebooks I could write and sell.

For some time, I've been thinking about writing an ebook about what I've learned on space clearing and feng shui. It's something I've been using in my own life for almost 15 years, and while I'm not an expert, I do have information that other people might find interesting or valuable. I've started mapping out the possible contents for this book.

At the same time, I manifested an opportunity to do a space clearing/home blessing for someone I've just met. I did the event last night, and my experience of it is fresh. So here is the story of my preparation and conducting the session.

To start, I pulled out my space clearing tools and spent some time thinking about each of them. Things like: when did I purchase the item, why did I want it, how do I use it, etc. Then, I grabbed the space clearing book I bought 10 years ago and reviewed a few of the chapters. I made some quick notes, things that struck me as fundamental, things I had forgotten, and some of my own ideas triggered by what I read. I spent a few days re-reading this information, formulating ideas in my mind about what I might do.

The day before the ceremony, I pulled out all of my tools and the things I thought I might want to use. I pulled them together and spent a little time with them.

The day of the ceremony, I started my personal preparation. I gathered the tools in front of me and started to set up my altar. I started my prayers and set my intentions for the work. Using my notes and the ideas I had percolated, I started to create the order of events and decide which tools I would use for each portion of the ceremony. Then, I ran through what I was going to do and say a few times, very loosely, wanting to save most of the energy for the event. However, I felt so strongly into the event at this point, I knew that everything I was doing was part of the ceremony. I was in that sacred space. When I had outlined my events and selected my tools, I started pulling them together and putting them into the container for transportation.

At this point, I had decided I wanted to gift the homeowner with some aromatherapy, so I pulled out my oils and moved to the kitchen counter. I selected the oils and started assembling the mix. When that was finished, I added her oil to the transportation box.

One interesting point is that I realized at this point that I was getting guidance, and I remember thinking: If I forget the matches, it is okay because I have a lighter in the truck. Funny thing, that thought was actually guidance telling me that I was forgetting to pack the matches. I discovered that later at the site, and did go out to the truck to get my lighter. I got the guidance, I just didn't quite realize what was happening. I had to laugh when I realized it later.

I am flexible and accomodating, so when I arrived at the ceremony, I took the pulse of the homeowner and her participant and gauged my actions towards the window I felt was available. I sensed that they were not so open, even though I was told through words that they were open, to some alternative views. I could just feel it, a rigidity in thought. As a result, I shifted what I had planned to do to stay more traditional. Not so much my actions, but my words. It through me off a bit, but it had an interesting learning for me. I ended up praying a more traditional Christian prayer, something I haven't done for a very long time. The thoughts I created, the wishes that came, were different to fit the situation. It was as if I was thinking in a different language, and some ideas were just no longer available to me. That was the first surprise. The second one: I was totally in the same sacred space saying those prayers with words and thoughts that were actually foreign to my path and walk. I have felt for some time that I could translate my faith into something that Christians could understand, that I could walk on the common ground, and I found through experience that was true. It's a pretty big understanding. I need to think about this a bit more.

I showed up in the same sacred space but almost like I was a different player in the play. I had different thoughts as well as different words. But I was on the same stage I normally find myself.

I felt I was very casual and open during the ceremony. I wasn't off task, but I was very transparent and open as I went through the process. Perhaps too transparent if I'm going to continue doing this kind of work. And perhaps the ceremony lasted too long. I might be able to figure out a way to accomplish the same work with fewer steps so the length is shorter and the event is more structured.

There came a point when I knew the clearing was done. I almost didn't finish clearing the house in that pass, I started to return to the altar and the homeowner pointed it out to me. I realized I was totally following the energy of the event and not a schedule. I also decided to skip the last step, partly because I just knew it was done, and partly to shorten the time. I need to think some more about the structure. I think I could use fewer clearing modalities and accomplish the same work. Perhaps I should take all four and then only use the one(s) that I feel are needed. Some are stronger than others, each has a slightly different purpose. They are each a different actor on the same stage, eh?

They had a refreshment afterward. I think that is a good thing to have at the end, a small breaking of bread with something sweet to end the ceremony. Think about that.

I used solar purified water for the event, and I could feel the difference.

At the end, I had them read their prayers/wishes/intentions for the house, and we burned them in the sage bowl. I used the Tibetan chimes at the end of each one. At one point, at exactly the moment I hit the chimes, the smoke detector went off at exactly the same pitch. It sounded for a moment as if the chime was sounding on a different plane of existence and we were able to hear that. It was a magical moment. We did realize it was the smoke detector, and at that second, it cut itself off. The homeowner opened two doors at that point so we didn't have any more smoke issues.

I hadn't thought through the sage smoke issue very well. I guess it was because I don't have any issue here in this house with the smoke. But that is something I will have to think through a bit more.

I need to create a very strong opening and closing for the event. It was stream of consciousness throughout. I think I did a good job with the open and close, but I would do better if I developed more of a boilerplate message for each end and used it each time. I would be more grounded and sure that I had accomplished the start and close clearly and with the greatest human impact.

I didn't do some of the things I normally do, and some of the things I intended to do. I intended to consciously expand my energy to fill the space at the start, and it just didn't cross my mind that it was time to do that. Also, I didn't do some of the prayers I usually do, inviting in the keepers, etc. I think part of the reason for both of this omissions is because I had been in sacred space for several hours at that point. I normally take those actions as I step into sacred space. I had already called them in, I knew they were already with me. Just more to think about.

The homeowner's friend took many pictures throughout the ceremony. I was amazingly unselfconscious. I am curious to see my energy in those pictures, to see if there is anything I can see in them.