Glimpse In A Mirror

Nightmare

I had a full blown nightmare this morning. I woke up when my mom's assistant arrived at the house today, I could hear them talking. But I fell back asleep quickly. The dream happened after I had been up and went back to bed.

I was living in a condo, but it was much more like the apartment where I lived in Tempe years ago. First floor, single level, plaster walls. I was returning home after being away for a long time, and I was finding all sorts of things wrong. At first, it looked like vandalism inside the house, and then I realized that a group of transient people had moved into my house. They had tossed out most of my belongings. I found my mattress and bedspread outside where the weather had ruined them. At one location along the hallway, I found that someone had written the same two names "Kyle" and "Jessie" in crayon on the walls, all over. It looks like two kids had entertained themselves there by writing on the walls. The rooms were all trashed, the ceilings were messed up, and weird trash was everywhere. I was both furious and scared at the same time. I was furious because it was my Mom's idea for me to leave the house for so long, and it was a BAD idea. And I was scared because there were thousands of dollars of damage to a place that I was only renting. What would I do? I remember feeling so angry with my Mom. I yelled at her, and told her to come and see what had happened, and that if I had been there, it wouldn't have happened. Near the end, I went to another condo complex to find a new place to live, and the manager was not only kind, she was explaining to me that the repairs to my old place could be taken care of -- which is when I was awakened by the phone ringing.

The parallels to my current living situation is remarkable. And I suppose that at some level, I'm really angry with my Mom for some of the things she has done. I don't let myself feel that because I feel so grateful for all of the help she has given me so selflessly. But this help does come at a price, and that is her taking back some control over my life. I didn't move 2000 miles away to escape that, but once I was away, I realized how controlling she had continued to be in my life. It's only one aspect of a very full relationship, and in no way is my realization of this a criticism of her. It's just me acknowledging for myself the realities of the relationship. This is just what I have to deal with.

When I first woke up, I was in a panic, partly a hangover from the dream feeling, but partly because I worried that I might be actually manifesting such a disaster for real. Honestly, there is a part of me that is worried about being away from my home for so long. I've got people checking on my home every few days, plus the neighbors are always there. What is valuable for me, what provides me with some helpful information about myself, is the realization that fear is playing such a big part in my reactions. Am I pushing to go home because I'm afraid of being away too long? Is that even a small factor? What every happened to trusting, to living in a universe that responds to my desires for safety and prosperity? It's something to think about.

But more than thinking about it, I'm trying to really open up my heart today to remember what it feels like to live inside a safe place. The realities of the world around me are harsh, and there is nothing in the news that would lead a person to believe that the world is safe. But I know better. I know that I can choose to live in safety no matter is going on around me just by keeping my heart open and by focusing on that desire. I know how to do this. I'm going to spend some time today and this evening doing that.