Glimpse In A Mirror

Clenching Resumed Today

I clenched inside today. I was sitting on the bed, mindlessly watching TV because I wasn't feeling strong, just resting, really. And I felt myself lock up inside. A part of me that had been relaxed suddenly went tight. I was thinking about several things, each slightly problematic, each having to do with my return to daily living responsibilities. Medical bills. The problem with forwarding my mail. The fact that I'm not retrieving my voice mail messages. The unwritten letters. Responses that I haven't made. Committments that I've made and not yet fulfilled. Real life stuff.

But until that moment, I didn't even realize that I wasn't clenching. And then I felt it. And now, I don't know how to undo it. I realized in that moment that I had been carrying around a lot of clenching before I got sick. In fact, I suspect now that much of my reaction to life involves clenching, preparing myself for an incoming punch. Is that really the way I see my life? Is that really how I feel about the nature of the universe? My mind says NO, but my body says YES. And since my body has been doing some pretty loud talking lately, that YES has my full attention.

One thing I've learned during my recovery time is that there is an opportunity for me to apply what I've learned about my food/weight change to other areas of my life. Here, I've created a vision, set a goal, and then made decisions to implement that goal. I've been wildly successful -- I'm not finished with this area, but WOW have I made a lot of progress. But the same technique needs to be applied to how I spend my waking hours, to create a daily routine/schedule that really allows me to get the most important things done, and eliminates all of the time wasters that keep me from doing those things. In other words, it is time to get serious about how I live my life.

Some of what has been driving me has been this incredible sense of fear. Since I got sick, I've had to walk through so many fears, almost like passing into the dancing flames of a fire. I was paralized, for the most part, and at some level, I just stopped fighting the forward motion that was already in place. It's like I was in a tractor beam at some point, and these experiences of the ER, surgery, and even the post-hospital IVs and recovery, were unfolding before me, without letting me have any say in what was going to happen. The best I could do was relax a bit, and allow these experiences to happen, allow the motion forward to happen, and do my best to be conscious -- sentient -- in the process. My heart was broken open in a new way, and my emotions were on the surface, so I felt so much. I allowed myself to cry with sadness, laugh with joy, express gratitude, guilt, remorse, and more. I even spoke up to protect my true feelings at times when it would have been easier to stay quiet, and told people how I really feel about things.

I think today's clenching was triggered mostly by two things: knowing that the hospital bill is enroute to me, and the distant reality of me purchasing a home. I've been in a sort of "ignorance is bliss" stage, not knowing the size of the medical bills, not knowing how much I would owe, and feeling like a new home was only a few months away, once I get back to Phoenix. All of these things came crashing in on me today. And really, there isn't any good reason for these things to change -- just my HABIT of clenching and reacting with fear. I can feel it in my stomach right now as I'm writing.

I want to find the key to this inside of myself. I want to be a person whose heart really does fly free, soaring with new ideas, and creativing looking for the positives in each situation. I want to be a person who uses the contrast of any present moment to help me to clarify what I want and determine to have it, to set my course looking forward to a happy future, believing that I can have what I want, making it happen through allowing it to unfold.

Oh, Great Spirit, source of wisdom within me, show me how to unlock that part of me that is so used to clenching. Show me how to choose thoughts that allow me to avoid the place in the road where clenching naturally happens for me. Show me how to listen to my heart exclusively. Show me how to make a happy daily life for myself. Show me how to prioritize what is most important to me right now so I can start living this happy life RIGHT NOW before I go to bed, and each new day I face. Show me how to heal my knee and the rest of my body. Show me how to keep my heart open and trusting. Show me. I'm watching with my eyes closed. Tell me. I'm listening for your soft voice.

I know that I can be different. I know that I can change. I choose to be different than I am today. I choose to be the person in my heart, the person I dream of being. A person who may feel fear but choses a course of action. A person who puts her cheeks into the wind and enjoys the breeze. A person whose heart leads her from one miracle to the next. Yep, that's who I want to be. Yep, that' who I'm becoming.