You Can't Return Home... Or Can You?
It's almost midnight in this time zone and I find myself still awake and alert, still operating in my native time zone after a week. I'm feeling a bit isolated from my own life tonight, even though I'm in a remarkably good mood and have been the whole week I've been here. Not that the usual family button pushers have been neglecting their compulsions. I'm still incredulous about that aspect of behavior... why someone would WANT to spend time upset, and choose to act with the intention of upsetting others. It's the result of an unconscious habit, that is the only way I can explain it, something that has never been examined or brought under personal scrutiny. I'm very grateful that I made that decision years ago (and repeat it as necessary in my present moments) that nothing is more important than feeling good. That one decision has straightened out many of my own foilibles and keeps my railroad cars on track, at least most of the time.
I have seen so much inconsistency here that I have to hold my tongue sometimes from laughing. First, there is a bit of a tirade against a type of behavior, and then, that very behavior is demonstrated. I've wanted to say something several times, but I have learned over the years that some of these people don't respond well to personal feedback. The level of insecurity and emotional vulnerability is shocking. I'm pleased that I've been able to introduce the term "passive aggressive" and have had my brother's support in explaining it. Not that I think knowing the concept or term will lead to less of this type of behavior. I suppose that I only did it for myself, as a way to dialog with myself through conversation with others.
I'm certainly seeing everyone here much differently this trip. I feel encouraged by this, seeing in it a sense of my own growth over the last year or so. I am certainly grateful that I accepted life's invitation to move 2000 miles away all of those years ago. While I may have grown like this if I had stayed in this place, leaving has given me a new sense of perspective on my own roots and life, and it has removed some of the subtle environmental influences that could have held me in orbit around the particular shared mindset of my family. It's interesting that I wrote in my last entry about listening to Dad's stories, and now that I'm here, I find them repetitive and honestly, quite boring.
In fact, this whole week I've been open and conducting real conversations, only to find that my partners are plugging in and out during the talk, and often don't plug in at all. I'm hungry for conversation, I suppose that I why I'm writing tonight. Well, that and the natural reflection that takes place when I find myself surrounded by family. It's a bit easier the last few years since I don't sleep in my old bed and bedroom. At least I have that bit of shift to point out that I haven't really returned home.
I've been quite reflective the last year about my general life progress, asking if I'm where I want to be, if I'm spending my life the way I want to spend it. My overall sense of the last 15 years is that I've set goals, worked towards them, had experiences, and changed my goals. The effect of this pattern is that I feel a bit like I'm treading water when I look at where I am today from a bird's eye view of my life. What have I accomplished? Maybe it is the questions that are wrong.
I suspect that one of the right questions is about my happiness, which means something different over each era of my life. I saw a bio on Oprah recently, where her trainer told of a conversation he had with her recently where he asked her the last time she felt happy and her answer was "8 years ago." It's not been 8 years for me, but I was surprised to realize that I haven't felt happy in a very long time. I'm really not sure why. I have let go of my earlier pattern of pinning happiness on the outcome of desires, things that are totally out of my control, and I've made great strides towards enjoying the process of living instead. At least I think I have. Hmmm, could the process of living be described as "treading water" I wonder? Maybe the only thing out of whack in my life are the questions I've been asking.
In the last year, I've had a greater sense of my own pace and patterns, and I've struggled to release myself from some of my own ruts and habits. I've made some great progress, I can feel the difference. Maybe I'm still being tentative about this process, and maybe it is time to really cut loose and take some risks in making changes. I did that today. I've been feeling lately like it is time to change my personal packaging, and feeling that I wanted to cut off my hair. Once I had that feeling, I started enjoying the length of it more, knowing it was going away. I found myself thinking later that cutting it off wasn't necessary, and that I could forget about my repackaging thoughts since the real changes come from within. Do they really? I watch these decorating shows where they paint and make color and structure changes to rooms and the feeling is so different. In my own home I know this is true. Certainly a repackaging of me would set other changes into motion. One change would be the way people react to me, especially people who know me. Wouldn't different feedback from the universe at large be a real change inside me? I've examined so many of these issues and tangents without reaching a conclusion or a decision point. And yet today, sitting in that chair, I told Michael I was ready for a change. Six inches are gone. I don't feel much different, but I do look different. I know the change has been made.
It's ironic that my last entry was about considering moving home, and this one is written from home. Whatever I've been working through these last months, one change is that moving back to Ohio is an option for the first time. One that I would consider. Until now, I've resisted that idea, which is perhaps why this whole issue had to come up for resolution. I don't want to be a person who makes decision based on avoidance. I want to be free to see and consider any option that occurs to me. I don't want to have built walls where options are inaccessible.
I'm also feeling that I miss my prayer pipe. I feel the loss of some of my personal rituals. I've spent much of the last year working on my business and my home, the structures that are powered by me. I am going to spend 2002 on my re-envisioning of myself and my repackaging. Maybe I'll get something like a Bowflex and create the best body I've ever had. I've got enough time to make some gradual changes that can result in significant changes. Real lifestyle changes, not just a quick project. I would love to take that journey of discovering new and renewed reactions to myself, like Barbra Streisand in "Mirror Has Two Faces" and maybe this is my time. I can chisel away at my own marble, uncovering the art that exists in my own person, and enjoy the admiration of the world without losing myself or forgetting who initiated the change in the first place. This sounds like a great plan.
I'm glad I'm here exploring my family and enjoying the holidays with them. But I will be just as glad to return home and see my home structure with fresh eyes, eyes that have been seeing other vistas for so long will see my home in a new way. I trust that some changes will be immediately obvious, and I'll do whatever I see needs to be done. I know what a day of work and a few dollars in tools can do to a space. I'll adjust my space to reflect my inner changes over this time, and to conclude the rich growth of the last year.
Great Spirit, it is I Laughing Crow. I stand here before you, proud of myself, with the confidence that comes from feeling my feet firmly on the ground and feeling the wind blowing around my body. I am part of all I see. My experiences are part of the ever expanding awareness of all that is, and I trust that any experience I choose feeds the whole and enriches my own life. I claim the stake of my heart in the universe, to live a life that is full of joy, surrounded by beauty, and overflowing with abundant grace. I feel the support of all that is for my life expression, and use that feeling to power my own drive for experience without limitations caused by fears of risk that had held me back before. I stand in the center of the clearing, on the edge of the cliff, in the waves of the ocean and feel that all is well in my world. The words that best express my joy is THANK YOU and I offer myself as a vessel for distributing the joy to every corner, every person, every though and every moment. It is so.
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