Glimpse In A Mirror

Stretching The Blanket To Cover My Feet

This place has strange reminders of my past, and of things that I don't recall while I'm in Phoenix. Being here, it is obviously a military town. I'd forgotten the familiar sight of men and women in fatigues, and the sight of fighters and cargo carriers overhead. The long fence that separates the base from our little town. The military access stickers on car bumpers. One of the local TV stations is carrying 15 second spots of military families sending holiday greetings from remote locations to family in this area. It's a nice touch, and something I've not seen before. All of these things remind me of my history here, and the military interactions into my life. The camouflaged B-52s during Viet Nam, the hippie protesters outside the base gates. The military security instituted at my defense contractor job during Desert Storm. My own days walking the halls inside the very secret Foreign Technology Center with armed guards at each of the hallway portals.

Tonight's Saturday Night Live is a re-over, the first show after the 9/11 events. It reminded me of my trauma at that time, the scary world I found myself in during those first days. The fears during Desert Storm. The kids from school whose fathers were killed or captured during Viet Nam. There is a lot of trauma in this space for me. I'm surprised by all of this considering that my father, a scientist, only did research that fed the military system and didn't put on a uniform, at least not since before I was born. My family has been spared the real traumas of military life, and the disaster in NY and Washington DC and PA. So why do I feel so much trauma?

Many years ago, I discovered that I cannot watch some events without a deep emotional reaction, something that I can't explain. I weep and sob when a flag passes me in a parade. I have the same reaction to beauty pageants, game shows, and the Olympics. It is as if I pick up on the emotional reactions of many people, present and absent, and I shake with the strength of it. I've never understood this reaction, I've only learned to avoid putting myself in situations where it can happen. I cry in movies, which may be more expected than these things.

Given this, perhaps my reactions to regional and world traumas isn't surprising. I seem to feel better if I let myself cry, and let the emotions shake through me. They don't last very long.

I'm feeling all of these things the last few days, and very strongly tonight.

On Friday, my dad told me about a recurring theme of his dreams, which I interpreted immediately as his sadness over the decreasing range of motion he is experiencing in his daily living. I didn't tell him this was how I saw the dream, along with a sense that he feels that the world, especially technology, is passing him by. It must be tough to have spent a career in science using technology, and recognize that you are losing your grip on the cutting edge. I felt that feeling about 3 months after I graduated from college, when I was told that the very classes I had taken had been updated to include cutting edge things that I was struggling to learn on my own. I felt very out of date, but I used that feeling to make a commitment to my own continual growth and learning process. I realized that a lifetime of learning was the only lifestyle I wanted, and that even still, I would have to compartmentalize my learning so I could let go of things that I would never have enough time or energy to learn. I suppose I've done well with it. But as I interact with dad these days, helping him to get his computer setup and internet accounts straight, I'm trying to incorporate my dream interpretation into my attitude and handling of him. But he charges on like he knows everything, and then won't listen when I have some additional information. Or, he gets angry with me for telling him something that he didn't know, something that invalidates a course of action he has taken unnecessarily. I'm trying to be kind and gentle with him, and still be honest and helpful. It seems tonight like an impossible road before me.

It is hard for me to be here over the end of the year, a time when I always want to reflect on my life and set goals for the next year. It's not the best time to be away from my home, my surroundings, and to have additional demands on my time and my energy. There are so many people here who want to spend time with me, and it isn't that I don't want to spend time with them -- I just feel pulled in half. I don't feel I have the luxury of setting aside an evening to spend alone. Instead, I take these stolen hours of time after everyone else is asleep. I haven't gotten up early ONCE since I've been here. What happened to 5:00 am MST? What happened to my gentle wake up with yoga, chanting, a quart of water and a balance bar? At least the snuggling with Skooch remains the same.

And yet, I know I'm resilient, and that this is really only a slight inconvenience, not anything that will stop me from accomplishing my goals and fulfilling my intentions. I can incorporate these distractions into my experience and still serve my more personal needs at the same time. Sometimes I think my life smacks of self-indulgence, beyond the very healthy situation that lets me take good care of myself. I feel that because my life has so few distractions, I have a requirement to do more to take care of myself, that it becomes a greater responsibility. What kind of job am I doing? And more important, how can I improve the way I'm taking care of myself?

I have a plan formulating in my mind. Actually, I have an image formulating in my mind, a glimpse of my own life in its current state from a different perspective. Hopefully, a more clear, more honest perspective. In this image, I can see the waste and the places where the blanket doesn't cover my feet, even though there is more than enough blanket to do the job. Even if I don't take the time to formally evaluate my life and come up with next year's vision and plan, I trust that the vision is forming now, and that in the days after I return home, I can use that vision to crystallize my plans from a deep sense of knowing. Perhaps that is better than any mental exercise, anyway.

Oh Great Spirit, tonight I say that in spite of my lagging, in spite of my moments of crossed intentions, and in spite of my feelings of weary resignation, I stand firm in spirit, firmly committed to living my life to the fullest. I intend to live the next year of my life with a renewed sense of zest and a new spirit of freedom that allows me to challenge my own soft spots and take risks that have not been options in the past. I set my feet forward with enthusiasm to run the course, and promise myself to lead from my heart. I intend to drive my actions from a deep sense of vision of what is possible in my life, seeking the experiences that will provide me with the greatest fulfillment. Thank you for the wisdom and understanding to reach this point in my path. It is so.