Glimpse In A Mirror

With Each Decision, You Change Your Life

I feel like there is another person living inside my head. Tonight, I find myself thinking about starting a business in my home town, a city that is 2000 miles away, and working with my sister on it. I suppose I have always wanted to have a shop along the main street of the town, a small place with bay windows and a set back door, old tile floors and unique basement spaces below. Some have apartments above them, and that is another old desire, to live in an apartment above the shops.

But what is really going on here. Why am I suddenly daydreaming about returning to my family home after almost 10 years away. Is this something I really want to do, or am I just scrambling to make sense of my life in this brave new world we all find ourselves in. I do miss being around family. I miss shopping with my mom. I miss the family dinners and birthday parties. I miss listening to my dad talk about the people he has put in their place at work or the barber shop or wherever.

But do I really want to return home?

I love Phoenix, I love the weather and the desert. I do miss land that is cozy, land that lets you walk barefoot on it and lay on it, even if you do need a blanket. I miss trees with leaves and streams and the smell of the pine forest. I don't miss snow, cold weather or driving in bad weather. I don't miss gray cloudy skies nearly every day of the year.

I think this crisis is really about having a sense of home, or not having it as the case may be. My life has become quite lonely here, and not just because I work from home (as my mother thinks). I work better in quiet and silence, and this is good. But I miss friends and good times. I heard people laughing in a store tonight and I was shocked and pleased to hear them. It made me realize that I don't laugh out loud much any more. My life is entirely too solitary. But I don't just want anyone around. I want people I can talk to. I miss having friends. I miss the people who used to hang out around my life. Where have they all gone? Most have moved away, geographically, and a few have moved away emotionally. That seems like a normal cycle of events. It seems like a long time since there were new people, however. Why am I not picking up new ones? Am I being too picky, too cold, too aloof? Or is it more simple than that? Are there all sorts of people in the wings who are just waiting for me to discover them standing there?

If Abraham is right, then all I need to do is focus a bit on this new desire instead of the feeling of being alone, and my circumstances will shift to bring what I want to me. I know he doesn't recommend starting out manifesting the thing you want the most, but I'm doing to do this.

I want to live in a place where I have a sense of home and hearth, where I'm surrounded by things of beauty.
I want to share my life with people who laugh and think and enjoy the adventure of their own lives.
I want to share my home with people who are my friends, and to share my heart with a few chosen people who are true life friends.

About my life:

I want a quiet, simple life.
I want to wake up in the morning and spend my time working on things that are meaningful to me.
I want the flexibility to shift gears and take advantage of my most productive times.
I want to pour my thoughts into my writing.
I want work that allows me to use my compulsions productively and for my own benefit.
I want a life that is contact with the outdoors, that involves being outdoors for long stretches of time.
I want a happy life where I am productive and focused and always exploring new things.

One of the keys I've discovered lately is that there is no mystery to resolve about who I am or my past. My past, especially my patterns, are just habits that I can change when I decide to. There is no bill to pay... I can drop them whenever I want. The real battlefield is in the small minutes, around minor issues, and not about the big things. It's about the quality of life I bring to waiting in line, or paying my bills, or allowing someone to pull out in front of me. It's these moments, and the momentum I build from my reactions to them, that change the big things in my life.

Do I want to open a store? I suppose that I always have wanted that. It would be a great life to get to shop for work, collecting things, making things, to sell. Maybe I can find a way to make that happen, maybe it will be in Fairborn, too. Who knows? I will enjoy thinking about this until I decide what I want.