Glimpse In A Mirror

Was That A Quagmire I Left Behind?

In the last week, I've managed to pull together the odd bits of disjointedness I was feeling, sort it through and release myself from it. Quite an accomplishment considering the environment and other circumstances. It feels like there have been several major contributions to this success. First, my ability to focus on the generalized discontent enough to allow it to gel, and then to express what I'm feeling at that deeper level, across many issues and triggers. Second, I made a decision to feel happy and to focus on all of the good things, which helped me to have direction instead of floating about. Third, I continued to build momentum towards setting my new year goals, which always gives me a positive focus. I've still found myself stuck in icky places, and getting irritated with people, but I've been quick to let go. Well, sometimes I've hung on a bit longer than necessary, but mostly I've quickly let go. Overall, I've done quite well.

It has been interesting to spend time with old friends, and to realize how much I can see into their lives and current issues. I might not know the details, but I sure see the issues. It has been good to see that my insights are still working, and to see that I have been able to make a few comments that have helped them to release themselves from their patterns of self critical thought. It has also been good for me to see other people's lives, and to be reminded that my life is not the only one that has issues and challenges, and to see that I'm not the only person who isn't exactly where she wants to be.

Once great thing I've see about myself if that I have softened quite a bit from that young woman who used to think she knew so much, who held so many opinions and was so right about issues. Now, I can really take any side of most discussions, without any personal need to win, and see how either strategy can result in a happy ending. I've also learned a lot about not making judgements about other people's relationships. At the same time, I'm seeing a lot into their relationships, more than usual, and perhaps that is because I'm not lining up what I see to reach a conclusion about what is best for people or situations. I'm no longer problem solving in other people's lives. What a relief that is! I have found myself able to listen to the situation they have described to me, present an alternative and positive view, and suggest happy endings from many directions. I've found I'm generating ideas for what might work for people, multiples of them, most that are incompatible with each other, and that the effect of this brainstorming seems to be a wider perspective for them. That is a good feeling. I hope that some of what I've said, and my softer approach to the situations, has helped people really reach good solutions for their lives.

In my own life, I'm listening to people, and talking with them about the great strengths I see in them. I'm showing people things they want to see, teaching some of them additional computer skills and life skills. It has been fun. I'm also setting some goals and talking with my parents about my goals... including plans for retirement and how I'm taking steps in the next year to reach them. I've not pulled things together, but I'm feeling the energy building towards resolution of this year and vision building for next year. Perhaps it is better that I make the formalized goals after the year starts.

I've also enjoyed excellent health on this trip. I did hurt my knee the first week, but using what I know to do, I've managed to facilitate that healing. Today's range of movement is almost total, although I find that I'm hesitating before wide moves just to make sure I'm being careful of that knee. Otherwise, it is working just fine. It's been a great example of how I have learned ways to facilitate stasis in my body, a good thing for me to remember as I start the new year.

I'm thinking about combining this journal and my topical journal together to write about the inner and outer journey I'm planning for next year's goals. I've also considered starting a third and totally separate journal. In general, I've found that having too many journals is a distraction, but I do appreciate the focus each one provides. I think what I've written for the assemblage point journal is off to a great start, and is really helping me to identify some of the threads of issues and ideas that run through my life. Perhaps I will keep a third, focused journal, and keep this one as the hodge-podge journal with random ramblings. A place to do my mind dumps. That might work really well. It helps me to keep a very different perspective on my journal, a long-term view on the value of my writings, and a place where I can review and reflect on key issues as I identify them. In fact, I've been thinking about making a daily writing commitment... not because I value full journals, but because I think that extended writing would be good for me. I've not written as much this year as previous years. Perhaps writing for me is mental and emotional exercise, much like my walking routine. In fact, I'm thinking about scheduling my days so I spend more time on directed activities towards my goals, and have less time available for current projects and work. At the same time that I have set the greatest financial goals for myself, I've cut back on the hours I'm available for working. I wonder how this will work out, and what surprises 2002 holds for me.

I've had a vision for a while of a different daily life for myself. I've made strides towards making it happen in my life. But now I'm ready to embrace it further. I keep thinking that with the level of freedom I have, I should have greater health and vitality, and that my life should really show the benefits of the extra time and energy I can devote to my life and my goals. This year, I want to run full speed into that lifestyle. I want a daily routine that provides the structure to support my personal goals. I want to be proud of the progress towards each goal. I want to surprise myself with how everything works together to let me share momentum between goals so that I can accomplish even more than I can envision when I think of each goal separately. I want to live a magical life in 2002. I will be in charge of myself and my days, and with decisive action I will make surgical, laser-like strikes towards my goals. At the end of 2002, I want to be blown away by what I've accomplished. I can do this, and I am doing this.