Glimpse In A Mirror

Deciding In The Moment

The hunger I feel for my journal is a conditioned response. What I actually feel is a high level of discomfort, emotional and sometimes physical discomfort, a feeling of treading water in the middle of a large, dark body of water at night with no shore in sight. There is no sense of risk, just frustration that I am not where I want to be. A sense of self-indulgence accompanies this, and it is only when I decide to think about something more positive that the truth of my surrounding start to become evident. Before me, I see no shore, but simply turning around shows me that I'm almost at the shore now, just facing the wrong direction. Suddenly, the sky above fills with stars, and with them, hope returns to my field of vision. From there, it is only a few more small decisions before I find myself on dry ground.

What I have learned over the years is that the act of writing helps me think, and that by choosing a few thoughts outside of the quagmire of self-indulgence has dramatic effects on how I see the world and how I feel about my life. I've learned to interpret those moments of darkness with a need to write in my journal. Inherent in that desire is the true desire, to live a rich and full life, seeing the goodness of what is around me. That is a choice. My eyes move around my life and land on the good and the not so good. My mind, also, can point out the duality of the reality around me. The trick, I've found, is to choose to focus on the good. I don't pretend that the other things are not there, I just simply decide that I want to spend the time of my life learning more about the good, exploring new things I want, and believing the best about everyone around me. Not that it comes naturally, or that I can make one decision and stay in that place.

I used to think that self discipline was that quality that allows me to make major impromvements in my life, to define and implement huge projects that would forever change my life. Things like going to college, or establishing a new healthy lifestyle, or making a commitment to a project or relationship that would let me ride through the tough times without wavering. Perhaps that is part of self discipline. What I believe today is that self discpline operates in a much smaller realm than that. It's the choice I make when I realize that I'm back out treading water. It's the small in-the-moment decisions where I say "even though I feel justified in where I am, I'm committed to spending my life towards my goals" and moving myself back to the space that is consistent with who I want to be.