Glimpse In A Mirror

Misty clouds hang low
Wind rustles through heavy leaves
Heart unfettered, free

Where do I start?

My heart is hungry for my journal again, after a time away, and I'm wanting to feel the satisfaction that comes from really working through issues. I want more depth in my daily life. The more time and energy I spend on my spiritual life, the more I feel a deep desire to spend. I feel as though I'm being summonded, invited to peek down a dark alley way, enticed to walk through the shadow lands, to reach a place that is on the other side.

Twice today I've had the same image. It's a long narrow passageway, a tunnel cut through a wall at about eye level. At first, it appears to be into the black, into the nothingness, the darkness. But in truth, the tunnel leads to freedom, to the sunshine and to a place where my heart's desires are fulfilled. It seems crazy to pursue that path, from all signs, there is nothing but darkness. But the signs are misleading... because what lies beyond is greater than I dare let myself dream can be true. And the truth of it, the sureness of it, is not in question once I reach that other side.

My emotions are racing as I write, as my mind sifts through all of the surface level thoughts, the first steps in many directions, that I've attempted to make over many weeks. I set a goal two months ago, and today, I realize that not only have I made no progress, I've digressed. I have further to go than I did then. Why would this happen? Why would my feet and mind lead me in the opposite direction? Can my habits and routines be so strong that the extra energy I have provided only pushed me further along my current route instead of reversing my direction? I'm near the edge of tears, and then I catch myself, and turn it around. But I'm sad. I've been afraid to admit how sad I am before now. I'm disappointed that my life isn't easier, that my achievements haven't been greater, and that I've lied so completely to myself about basic issues.

But in the midst of this, I remember my dream, the last one before I woke up, the one that was interrupted by the alarm, and that let me return to it several times between the snooze settings. I felt so blown away by the realization of the dream. The details of it are not so important. I was a teenager again, perhaps 14, and reliving my life. I knew it was me, and I knew I was doing it again, a second time. I made a decision that was totally different this time, and I caught myself, saying... "she can't do that, because when she is 16 she has to..." and in that instant, wedged between that word and the one about to come, I got it. The themes of this second life would be similar, the strengths would be the same, the desires would be, at their core, similar, but the whole range of options remain open to me at every second. I could chose something totally different, take my life in a different direction, and the overall harmony of this soul's existence would remain, with each life adding to the harmonies, add complexity to the melody which is shared by so many, just one phrase of the Song of Life. My phrase. My Halleluahs added to the chorus. I am free in each moment to chose a new life.

I want to believe that. I feel myself standing on the edge of that belief, wanting to relax the muscles of my body, wanting to collapse into the immenseness of that delicious state. But holding myself back, afraid of being disappointed, afraid that my ideas are not quite on target and that a sudden burst of joy can only double back into the great pain of disappointment. I remember one moment in my life where I really felt that everything was possible, that my life was blessed, and that I was following my heart. It only lasted a few moments, and was shattered by crashing into the opinion of someone else that I was making a huge mistake. For that first time in my life, I felt free! Free to choose! Things did not progress as I would have liked, that is true, but I would not change one moment of that experience for anything.

There is a gray sadness around my heart, I feel it now. I want so much to feel dancing there instead. I want to relax the part of me that is white knuckled to present moment reality, and whisper to my own heart... you are free! It seems like there is so much work ahead of me, to really manifest the freedom in my life. I remember the horrible years of debt during my twenties, and that moment when I realized that I would actually be out of debt after many years, in just 5 months. It had snuck up on me, the years of patient waiting, of living way below my means so I could fulfill the committments I had made so foolishly. The punishment I thought I deserved. And the freedom of that release! The surprise of it made it even sweeter. And yet, looking back, I realize that I could have set myself free at the beginning. and spent those years nurturing, no basking, in the joy of that release, knowing that it was coming.

Oh to reach that place now.

I allow all of the goodness of the universe to knock softly on my door, and to begin to seep under it while I'm looking out the peep hole in caution... to wet my feet with its warm soothing and then sweep me away as it becomes a tide that I willingly surrender to. I know that in my heart, I am that joyful creature, that mermaid, who lives naturally within that swell of warmth and sustenence and beauty. Oh, beauty. Oh, heart that knows the voice of its own home. I open the fingers of my hands, and unlock the grip of my mind, and say that I am willing to know you at my door.

Thank you.