Where is My Christmas Spirit?

I'm up at 5 am because I woke up and can't get back to sleep. I'm tired and yawning, but sleep evades me.

So much has happened in 2008, even in the last few weeks, that I seem to have no bandwidth to process it. I'm in a very active part of my journey, where time for real reflection isn't available, or so it seems. That does make sense to me. If I think about a physical journey, there are times in the road where more activity is required, more alertness, and more rest from real exhaustion. I've certainly been exhausted recently. It's been compounding, layer upon layer, so I feel it is normal to be tired. But it isn't, and I hope to turn that around in a few more weeks.

This time pushes me through the sludge in the river bed of my path, and clears it out. It pushes me beyond what I normally allow, breaking my heart and mind, confusing me with it's newness and toughness, and letting me see that I can do more and be more than I previously thought.

For a long time, I've been hard on myself becuase I thought I should manage my work process better so I don't end up in times like this. Sure, it is possible that I need to learn more about managing my life and maintaining my balance, I would not argue against that idea. But I think I've actually over managed my life in some ways. I have this idea that I'm in charge, that I can regulate my life. In fact, I life a pretty orderly life, I've seen shocking evidence of that this year. While mostly I think that is true, there is also another truth. I must also leave spaces in my life for the mysteries of life, room for new things to erupt into my awareness, and allow the shattering of my constructed world so I can experience quantum growth. The growth process isn't always orderly and predictable. It pushes and pulls, it reveals all of our warts, and humiliates us where we have any sense of pride or propriety. I've certainly had plenty of that this year.

So where am I right now? I'm tired, not just in this moment, but overall. This feeling makes me feel like I'm pushing myself too hard, that I'm taking on too much. I don't know if this is a general thing, or specific to right now, but I'm sure I will figure this out. I'm in the midst of a huge learning curve that shows itself in the struggle to find my voice with my new blog. I'm also starting to get clear about the kind of work I really want to do. I want to help people who want to decide the kind of person they want to be. People who want to work with their own assemblage point, set their own tone, however you want to think about it.

I'm here for Christmas, with a suitcase of presents, most of which I made. I enjoyed the process of making them. I'm thrilled to be giving them. But I don't feel any Christmas spirit, and it is Christmas Eve.