Receiving & Open Hearts

Where do I start?

It's been 18 months since I've written here and everything about my life is different. And in some ways, everything is still the same. I still have the same challenges. But I'm different. I'm processing things differently. I have a new mindset and a new strategy.

I need to chew on something that happened today.

I went to my mailbox and I couldn't open it. The key went it and turned, but the door wouldn't open. It was like something was up against the backside of the lock so it was jammed at the end, like it was being held closed. I wondered if I had a backlog of mail that big. It was possible, but not likely.

Discouraged, I went home. Then I decided to call the post office to find out how I go about fixing this. Turns out, the post office maintains my community boxes, so they would fix it. I would have to come in, fill out a form, and leave them a key. They would send someone out within a week to fix it and they would use my key to make sure everything was working. I told the guy I'd come by.

Well, I got to thinking about something he said about dirt getting into the lock. So I grabbed some WD-40 and a tack hammer and walked the block to the box. I started by lubing the key and turned it several times. Nothing different happened. The key turned but the door didn't open.

So I banged along the lower edge of the door and around the lock. And tried again. And then I banged a second time. This time, the door opened, but reluctantly. I could see that nothing on the inside was keeping it from opening. So I used the WD-40 to lube the key and the hinges. And I swung the door open and closed about 20 time. I could feel it loosening up.

I tested it by closing it (after I retrieved my mail). It opened reluctantly. So I ran my fingers along the closure at the top and bottom. It was certainly dirty. But there was no physical reason why it should stick. So I keep swinging it so the lube could work through.

When I felt it was not longer improving, I packed up my mail and tools and walked back home. Victorious.

I kept thinking about what had happened while I was doing other things. And there are rich ideas here.

First, this is a metaphor for receiving. The miracle of this story is that everything has already arrived, but I don't have it because I can't open my door. The door reminds me of my heart. And I know I've had a problem receiving things. I'm doing much better. But this event tells me that I still have more to go. But I'm close! I was able to open this door, and I took action to make sure I can open the door easier in the future. All of these are good indicators.

Second, I realized that I have never thought of this mailbox as mine. I never owned it. I never took any responsibility for it. I never considered that I should oil the hinges before it refused to open. I've lived here 10 years and I've never taken care of this. What else in my life do I take for granted that I should be maintaining. Respecting. Appreciating.

I normally think of myself as someone who does the maintenance. That's one of my great traits. This shows me that I still have things to learn. And that's a good thing.

So what does this event have to tell me.

A: I know there is more here. I know that you have something profound to share with me. I am paying attention and I'm ready to listen.
B: Listen to what?
A: Whatever you have to say.
B: That's not how this works.
A: I'm confused. The last time I asked questions, you didn't want to answer about half of them. I thought asking questions was the wrong thing to do.
B: You know better than that.
A: Was I just asking the wrong questions?
B: No. You just weren't asking questions from your heart. You were asking questions from your head. I don't answer brain questions, only heart questions.
A: I'm in a tough place. I've been in this tough place for a while. I wonder if I'm just a really slow learner or if actually doing quite well and I'm just not appreciating myself.
B: Which one is it?
A: I do know that I have places where I'm stuck, where it feels sometimes like I'm a slow learner. But I know that's just my impatience talking. I think I'm working through things pretty quickly, actually. When I look at my success journal, I'm blown away by the number of successes I have on most days. It feels like I'm in a huge growth spurt.
B: Is that really how it feels?
A: No. I think that some days I actually get a glimpse of how much work I'm doing and how well I'm doing and I'm blown away by it. I don't know if I usually do this well and I've just never appreciated it, or if I'm really processing more/better/faster these days.
B: Does it matter?
A: No. What matters is that I'm starting to appreciate myself. And I'm starting to create the structures where I can focus more on the things that I really want, so I can make more of them happen. There's less flailing around and more deliberate action.
B: Isn't that what you have been observing? That you are growing and leaving behind many people?
A: Yes. I'm okay with leaving them behind. I've always done that but I've never felt so positive about it. I used to secretly doubt myself when it would happen, or wish it wasn't so. Now I understand that when I'm ready to grow, I grow, and it' about me and no one else. The others will grow at their own time and pace. We may come back together, or we may not. And either way, its okay.
B: And it is unfolding perfectly.
A: Yes, but I feel myself bristle a bit with the idea of perfectly. Perfect always felt to me like an unattainable standard for measuring everything.
B: What is perfect just means appreciating the truth of what is?
A: And trusting that everything is unfolding as it should. That everything is always okay. That I can't make a wrong choice. Wow. Seeing the word "choice" there just sent me in a hundred deep directions at the same time.
B: Pull them in.
A: First, I realized that I've already make great progress assimilating many of those statements, and so that tells me to expect the others to become my bumper stickers in the near future. Wow.
Second, choice isn't about right or wrong. It's about selecting a desired outcome and moving toward it. If I'm always in motion with the goal, some choices take me closer and some take me the long way. But each choice moves me along the road. There's no wrong choice. Every choice is movement. It's just that some movements are obviously taking a shorter road, and some are obviously taking a longer road. But the distance doesn't matter. The learning is what's important. And the movement.
B: What else?
A: There are hidden consequences for each decision. Maybe consequences is the wrong word because that gets associated with punishment for mistakes made. There are unintended outcomes, surprise outcomes. Some may seem to be good and others may seem to be bad or unwanted. But the truth is that it's just part of the path. The path prepares me for the destination, and all of the outcomes are part of my education.
But what about when I make a poor choice?
B: What about it?
A: I mean when I know better and I still choose something that isn't in my best good.
B: How do you know what you best good actually is? Maybe you have only partially learned the lesson and so you make a choice to continue the lesson?
A: Oh, wow. Yes. Thanks. I'm ready to rest now.