Lessons Learned

I've had a really rough time lately. In the midst of the confusion, I've been going back to relive and revisit some of the great teachers in my life, and a few of the threads of themes I've followed. Until today, they have only added to my confusion, and reminded me of the pain of the unfulfilled dreams. But today, talking to Deb, I started to get a new perspective on this.

If I am correct and I'm in the challenging phase of a lesson cycle, perhaps these ghosts of my heart's journey past serve a real and practical purpose. I don't usually think like this, but I must confess that as soon as I formed this thought today, it felt like my angels were applauding me. I feel it again now as I relive that moment. I think I just cut my suffering time to a sliver of what it could have been. :-)

I realize that I've been revisiting the past a lot, especially old relationships and people no longer in my life. Some of them have more juice to them than others, so I'll stick to the juicy ones.

Philip offered me a vision of myself as a professional practitioner, author, and speaker, and gave me a glance into that life without having to complete that journey. From him I learned many things, even though I realize that he chronically underestimated me. I felt what it was like to be at the top of a field and at the top of my game, how it flows to make a living like that. The freedom and the compromises. It showed me that my strong sense of self and integrity and curiosity to solve riddles and identify patterns would serve me well, they are my true north. From Philip I also learned how to be true to myself. I learned that tools and bodies of knowledge do not come to me without other people's energy, and that I know how to test them to see if they are truly mine, or if I hold on to them due to habit or because of their connection to another person. Some of the tools I set aside I've never picked up, even though I know their power. They are not so well suited to me, or, I'm not ready to commit to them.

Paul helped me to find a part of myself that I had never found alone or in any other relationship. He engaged me in a way that opened me up to wanting to know more about myself and my inner journey, the mobile journey to the center. I saw both sides of myself in that relationship, how great and powerful I am, and how my shortcomings can be seen as horrible traits by people who are not willing to take them in a context.

My study of a------- and my decision to set it aside taught me that I don't need mental tools to survive and thrive in my life. My heart makes a better guide if I will just allow this to happen. I want to remember as I'm going through this confusion to remember to keep my heart in front of me, and to allow my life and these challenges to unfold before me. I really don't know the answers before the questions are asked, and if I think I do, I'm mistaken. I'm not holding on to wrong answers for guidance. I'm open and observing.

Through the years, I've loved the image of having god in a box and how that explains so much of the human condition when we ponder the infinite. Tonight, I realize that I could say that I've got myself, my soul, in a box and I'm needing a bigger self, a bigger sense of self. I'm lonely, personally and professionally. There are plenty of people in my life, good people, busy people, but people I can talk with at various levels. I'm grateful for each of them. And at the same time, each has a limit for how I can engage them. Perhaps I don't really know theses limits unless I've run into them recently, perhaps my perceptions are not as clear as I might think. I have painfully felt recently the lack of a common ground with people. There is no one who can really hear all I have to say. Maybe it is just that there is no one who is willing to listen, even if they can't understand it all. And it makes me ask myself if I am truly listening to the people around me, am I being that friend to them, that friend I want in my own life.

But it occurred to me tonight in the shower, just before I came here to write, that there is a great part of me that I keep only to myself. And that is a good thing. It is my anchor, my rudder, the ballast that keeps my boat balanced on the waves that toss me about. It's a good thing.

I want a bigger life. It's scary and yet its the only thing I want. I want to live my life on a larger stage, with a larger heart, with bigger ideas and greater reach. I don't just want it. I'm starved for it. I need it. I'm suffocating in here. I want wide open spaces where I can see to the horizon and take deep breaths.

I've been making some mistakes with people lately, I think out of a sense of loneliness and a desire to feel connected, but I've been going about it wrong. And I've been wrong to think that talking will create the kind of intimacy I want. I can't let people into my inner world, it's just not possible. It's my space. There will be times when people will get glances into what I have here, people who see who I am, people who listen with their eyes and ears. Just like I can get a glimpse into the inner world of my best friends and soul friends when I have an open heart and mind and pay attention.

So my advice to myself is:

Stop being lonely. It's not productive, and it's not real. Much of my life is private and unreachable, and that is a good thing. It only hurts more to talk and share with people and then realize they don't get it.

As things come up from the past, add them to the list of great lessons learned in my life, and realize that there is a reason why I'm being reminded of them right now.

Press on. Feel sad or melancholy if these come up, but after feeling it, don't drown in it. Push on with action while admitting how I feel. Feel it and act anyway.

Good advice.