Breaking Open My Heart

I had a tough day today. Or maybe I had a great day.

I had lunch with a friend to help her write a new resume. In the course of events, I found myself suddenly unable to stop myself from expressing profound sadness. It was right there, below a membrane that had been violated and I couldn't turn it back. In the midst of this, my heart chakra blew open and my heart hurt outside my body.

I realized that I was afraid to let this person really into my life because I was afraid that she would be around a short time and disappear. I said this out loud.

I hadn't realized that I had these feelings, that I felt such a need to protect myself. Before that moment, I thought I was doing a pretty good job at being open and letting people in. I realized I had just moved the door, the locked door, further into my territory. I'm not sure that is a bad thing, and I'm not sure having a locked door is a bad thing, either. But I wasn't aware that my fear of being abandoned was part of the motivation. I didn't realize I had any issues with that.

In the hours since, I've also realized that I don't feel there are people I can really talk to. I also don't feel listened to. I am sure there is some truth to this, but I also wonder many things. Is that because I'm afraid to speak? Is it because I don't listen enough to others I'm projecting it back on myself? Good questions. Questions that before that hour, I would not have thought were pertinent to my life. They are good academic questions, but they didn't connect to me like they do now.

I observed that there was a lot of conversation after that point that didn't feel honest. I spoke some of it because I felt awkward and exposed, and I suppose I was trying to pull myself back together and navigate out of an awkward situation. A bit of verbal dodge and dart. But on her part, it was an attempt to communicate with me on a deeper level, but it didn't work. At least that is my take on it. I might be wrong. But her conversation didn't ring true with me. I don't know if I responded in kind, or if I initiated the smoke and mirrors. My sense is that she doesn't communicate with great honesty in her life and this was new territory and she was unsure of herself. I don't suspect any motive other than a real desire to connect, and just not knowing how. But for me, I don't give mysrlf the same brea. I supose I was doing the best I could figure out in the moment.