Keeping My Footing

It's only 8 am, and I've already had the most amazing day.

I got up early this morning, but instead of working, I took Dave for his colonoscopy in Beavercreek. The deal was that I would call him at 7 am and pick him up by 7:15, and I should use his cell number and not the house number. I called at 7 and no one answered. I kept callling back, not sure what was going on inside. After about 4-5 calls, Stacey answered and said he was in the shower. I arrived at his house 5 minutes early and waiting until 7:15. When there was no movement and no lights, I called again. No answer. I waited a minute and called again. This time, he answered and started screaming at me. I was so taken aback that I just listened and then he screamed at me again to start speaking. I said something like "okay" and he hung up. He got in the car and resume his screaming at me. I was crying by that point, but I didn't say anything back. A few minutes later, he made a comment about something else, and I responded to that. We exchanged a few words on the drive, mostly he was telling me I was in the wrong lane sort of thing. He also thought I should turn in the opposite direction at the exit, but I knew I was right and turned the way I planned. I was right.

We got there plenty early, and I dropped him off at the overhang because it was pouring. When I arrived inside, he told me that there was some confusion about his appointment and that he was 90 minutes early. He said I should go home and come back, and had me give my cell number to their receiptionist so she could call me. I left.

I understand that he is quite stressed about his health, and I tried to get past the things he said to me. I believe that there isn't any way I could have done anything different, I only did what I was asked. I was dumbfounded and taken off guard by his violent verbal attack. I'm not used to people talking to me like that. I wasn't prepared for it (if that is even possible) and I didn't find a way to not react to it, or side step it, or any other strategy that would have left me unharmed. I got a full shot of it, and on the way back, I felt my guard drop and I sobbed it out.

Within one minute of ending my sobbing, a deer crossed the road in front of me in a place I didn't expect to see wildlife. In the pouring rain, it was hard to see. It was a young deer, just born this year, and seeing it and realizing the potential disaster of hitting it, stopped me a bit in my tracks, even though I was well out of range. What happened next is the amazing part of my story.

A second deer followed it across the road in front of me, but this deer slipped on the wet pavement and tumbled. It tried to get up several times, but instead, its weight and the momentum of its running kept it tumbling over and over from the lane before me into the ditch along the side of the road. Because of the conditions, I wasn't able to turn my head or follow its path to see if it was alright and if it got up from the ditch. I can only assume that it was fine.

When I got past this, I realized that was for me. Two young deer, both heart medicine, both able footed, both running along the same slippery conditions. Yet one navigated the course and stayed upright, and the other lost its footing and tumbled. Both moved forward, both (I assume) were okay, and both crossed the road. Yet one was shaked up and perhaps even bruised by the experience.

I want to be the sure footed deer. I want to know how to navigate the slippery path and carry myself in a way that I remain upright and can choose my next steps. Today I was the fallen deer. I have no idea how to shift from one to the other, but I want to figure this out.

I spoke with Michelle last night about the cycles of abuse that we see going on in the family. The victim of one generation becomes the perpetrator in the next generation. She didn't understand this, but I do. I realize that by defining yourself as a victim, you don't give yourself the opportunity to grow and to become the kind of person that forgives and doesn't continue the cycle. It's hard work to grow and become a better person, and chosing to be a victim, you give yourself permission to stop growing.

I don't know where the balance lays between feeling the hurt of this morning's attack and being a victim of it. I don't know how to handle this kind of situation, or my feelings around this situation, any better than I already have, but I'm asking for help and guidance to figure this out. I want to be that sure footed deer, I want to keep my balance even when everyone around me is losing theirs and the conditions are tough for everyone. I want to figure this out. I want to become that person.