In the last week, I've been through another one of those cycles, where I had my epiphany and *knew* that I was speaking the truth to myself and that I was right on target. There is a clarity in that space, and it is more like breathing thin air at a high altitude than the rawness of being on the cutting/bleeding edge. There is no discomfort in it. It's invigorating, refreshing, and it feels vitally alive.
I've learned many of the basic truths of life, and one of them is the cyclical nature of everything. The life-death-rebirth cycle that appears everywhere. No one is static, no process is static, no feeling ever lasts. Until recently, I thought that after that moment of revelation, that moment of *knowing* passes, it was a natural change as the wheel of life keeps moving forward.
But today, I find myself wondering again just how much of this transit time between moments of clarity is impacted by a numbness brought on by illusion. As the wheel turns, am I being rocked to sleep in some parts of my awareness by the motion? Is there another type of clarity that I can experience between these peaks?
Since I wrote several days about about my need to start doing my best, I've really done that. It's been a good week, full of accomplishments and a serious chipping away at the list of niggling things. The mantra "three for me" has brought me much progress on many levels in my life, and I can see that progress reflected back to me in my surroundings. What was cluttered and chaotic now has order and is approaching sparkling clean.
I walked through the house this afternoon and observed this improvement and smiled to myself, and gave myself credit for this accomplishment, an acknowledgement of my intention and consistency of action in response to a revelation. I'm doing well. But since that time, the thought has crossed my mind that perhaps I'm looking in the wrong place to take the pulse of my true progress. In my current situation, the clutter was a symptom of what I called the "salad spinner" effect on my priorities. But I am a person who lives for long periods of time when the physical world around me remains neat and tidy. So for me, is reaching a state of order really a signpost?
Yes. And no.
In the parts of my life where order is a challenge, to find order appearing because of an intentional effort in that direction is a good sign. Seeing the clutter replaced with order around me this week is a good sign. In the areas where I struggle, where order isn't my norm, then order can be a good sign.
At the same time, it can be easy to pull together the outer world through actions instead of changing the inner world. The desktop can be neat, while the drawers of my inner life are chaotic, and that order is not a good sign.
I seem to have a rather complex system for measuring how I'm doing. I look at each of the following factors, and look for a combination of them before assuming any meaning:
- How well am I providing for myself? Am I out of supplies and groceries, or am I keeping a shopping list and stocking up before I'm dry?
- Am I starting my day with yoga and meditation?
- Am I up while it is still dark? (In the summer, it's light so early here thanks to the lack of daylight savings time that watch the clock rather than the light to measure this one.)
- Am I eating healthy choices in regular portions? Or am I junking or snacking?
- How much of my free time is spent in purely mental pursuits vs. whole body/soul pursuits?
- What messages am I getting from my body?
I don't feel like I'm getting to the heart of my issue in this writing, I feel that there is still a cloud of confusion in my thinking. What I'm talking about is finding a way to track the spiritual richness of my life vs. the spiritual poverty of it. It's about watching my behavior and my patterns of decisions. It's about me reaching a point of *knowing* about how to track myself. I haven't found that yet.
I do believe there are lifestyle decisions and patterns of action that enhance or reduce the spiritual richness of a life. I intend to be a person who values spiritual richness and seeks it in every possible form in my life. I intend to take the inner journey over the outer journey, to value intention and emotional health over action and the results of applied actions. I intend to be a person whose interactions with the universe come first from an energetic level and then translate that into thoughts, beliefs, and then actions. I intend to be a person who looks for sign posts on the energetic level before the physical level.
In my reading today, I was challenged by an entry by Beth in Confessions about spiritual poverty. And while I appreciate the thoughts behind the actions taken in her story, I recommit myself to a path of spiritual richness that comes from the inner journey primarily.
Great Spirit, give me the wisdom to understand what I see and feel in my own heart so that I may come to *know* how I'm doing and how to get myself back on track when that is necessary. Help me to find the energetic solutions to my physical world challenges, and to truly understand the significance of outward events, and the lack of significance of action when taken out of synch with the inner journey. Continue to show me how to be the woman of integrity I intend to be. It is so.
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