I've just been out shopping. I had a shopping list of things I needed to purchase, but I also picked up several pure indulgences--things that I've wanted to own for a long time, found today at a good price, and brought home. I lived for a few years with a restricted income and today I'm wondering if I've opened the hole in my wallet too far. Today's brick-and-mortar shopping follows yesterday's online shopping, where I purchased two domain names, web hosting for a year for both, a robust email service, and a few other website goodies. And while yesterday's purchases were business expenses and today's were purely personal, the truth is that they both came out of the same bank account!
My client sent me the balance of what they have owed me for a while and I deposited the check this morning. I certainly had physical evidence of material abundance, more than the great sense of abundance I strive to live within. I haven't gone crazy, but I certainly can't keep spending at this rate. I could get by with it for another day, or a few, but pretty soon I'd be close to trouble.
On the one hand, it is nice to be able to buy curtains to cover the windows that have only had the minimal blinds for the two years I've lived here. It's nice to add a few items to continue to personalize my space. The big splurge today, the table top fountain from Lowe's (similar to this one), is something I've wanted for many years, and I'm very excited to have it. I've got so many packages and purchases waiting for installation, assembly, etc. that it will take me a couple of weekends to get these things incorporated into my house.
On the other hand, I've certainly learned that the wanting of something, the pure joy of thinking about options of what is available, and mentally trying them on while deciding what I want to purchase is the most juicy experience of all. Yes, I'll be very happy to see the curtains hanging in the family room, and for a while, I will get a great joy every time I see them. But I used to get that same joy every time I'd open the Penney's catalog to the curtain section, stop into a Linens 'N Things store, or browser shop online for them.
There is so much pure joy in the appreciation of the choices that are available to me to fulfill my little projects, domestic or business or any other kind. It's not just fun though, I think it gives me a bit of training each time that I try new combinations or see an unexpected use for something. It feeds my creativity in a realm, which I believe feeds all of my creativity. I think working on the landscaping plan for my driveway garden helps me to write better, and helps me to choose curtain and pillow colors better. It cross-pollenates everything creative. It keeps me feeling juicy and fresh and vibrantly alive.
In the recent weeks, I've come to distinguish this kind of pure appreciation desire I exercise from another kind of desire, one based on need. I remember in my past that I would want something badly, and it was based on a need for it rather than an appreciation for it. When I see artwork today that I love, for example, the thought may cross my mind that I'd love to have that available to me to view in my home, but I'm just as happy to stand there and enjoy it (or to bookmark the image at an art website like Art.com for future enjoyment) as I am with the idea of purchasing it. There is a love slash joy with this kind of desire, the love being my ability to completely let go of any ownership of it. I'm just happy to rendevous with it and have the chance to enjoy it. I know there is a constant stream of future experiences with other art (or lovely items) in my future. There's no need to make my home into a museum of things I saw once and loved. After a while, there would be no room for new loves, my walls cluttered with past loves, including some that I would no longer feel the love for. That wouldn't be a happy place to live.
I have embraced a philosophy of life that encourages this kind of desire. But in the past, I have studied schools of thought that prohibited desire, taught us to reduce or eliminate desire as a spiritual discipline. By using the word "desire" for both things, I realize that I have created a dichotomy in my experience, but I believe this is only a linguistic dichotomy. I believe that these pure desires I experience today, the love slash joy kind of desire, is not the same desire I was being taught to release. The love slash joy desire is more of an appreciation of beauty, a recognition of divine truth (beauty is truth, truth beauty...Keats). The need kind of desire comes from a completely different place, from a heart that feels itself incomplete without the object of desire. I'm going to explore the language of this to see if I can find some clarity in how I express these ideas, and see if I can't avoid the word "desire" for both.
And now, to be true to myself, the shopping spree must end. I've got two websites to build, a fountain to assemble, and some curtains to hang before anything else new comes into this space. This is the way I honor myself, by completing the process that I started with the weeks of selections, and now have made material by the purchases. It's not finished until they are in their place in my life. And so I commit to the follow through as another act of positive self indulgence.
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Added on 25 Sept:
OMG, the new curtains look beautiful! The room is starting to feel finished. It really changes the accoustics, the room is much quieter, too! This is a fabulous thing.
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