The Next Logical Step

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to see myself in a new context and it was painful. I chose to enter the situation, and was really proud of what I had done until some time passed and I saw how other people reacted to me. My action was based on my observation of a situation, and it came straight from my heart. It was compassionate and caring. But the person I expressed myself to is not the kind of person who appreciates or accepts such actions. Perhaps if I had not been so impulsive, if I had tested the waters before reacting, I would not have taken that action. Perhaps I would have figured out that my normal reaction would not mesh in that milieu, and would have kept my thoughts to myself. I will never know.

I led with my heart, and after observing the reaction to me, I felt stupid and exposed, those horrible feelings of being different and being judged for it that remind me of high school. It's taken me a bit of time to work through my reaction. At first, I wanted to somehow breathe it back it, suck it back inside me to leave no evidence that I had taken the action. Next, I felt embarrassed. Then, surprised by that feeling, I began to explore it with my mind, which is when I realized that I offered an apple's heart to an orange, nothing more or less. No match, no connection, no resonance. I showed who I truly am, and perhaps I could have been more patient with my action and perhaps in that time I would have figured out my instinctive action would not be received.

I don't feel stupid or exposed any more. But by taking this action, I now have a decision to make about the people involved. Is my assessment correct, is it true that there is no connection, and if so, what position should I take now that I know this? In general, I chose to withdraw myself from things that don't have the potential to be truly significant, I chose to not spend my time or energy in a course of action that I know doesn't have the potential to be a valuable investment. I'm not suggesting that I couldn't learn more things from being around these people in the future. I'm just now aware that my natural self doesn't fit with them, so why continue to spend time around people once I know this is true.

I'm still thinking this through, but I believe I've spent my last minutes with this group of people. And I don't think they will miss me, either.