Facing the Shadow

I've just had another epiphany.

For some time, I've had this lingering sense of guilt, like I'm about to be caught in my incompetence. It has touched my work, but mostly it has been about my household. I've felt overwhelmed by the idea of the amount of maintenance and attention a house takes. (I'm a new homeowner after being a renter for 25 years.) There are so many layers of responsibility in my life that are now centered in this physical space. I run my business from here, I managed my personal and business finances, I'm still unpacking and settling in, I'm deciding what style of decoration suits me, I'm planning some large household maintenance tasks (exterior painting and landscaping), I'm fulfilling responsibilities to clients, I'm working to find balance and nurturing in my spiritual life, I'm striving to make adjustments in my social life, and I'm involved in a couple of projects to improve my health. I'm sure there are more, but those are the ones that jump out right at me.

I've been living with a sense that I'm followed by a shadow of things undone, unnoticed, and they all have consequences--I'll be caught and trapped if I really mess up on any of them. Like having the water cut off if I somehow miss paying the water bill. I've had this sense that someone is going to pull up in my driveway and I'll find out that I'm in big trouble for something I failed to do, and that will just be the start of the undressing, the revealing of my general incompetence. I know it doesn't make sense, but it's been there under the surface for a while now. And for no known reason, it just broke through to my full attention.

Many years ago, 20 years ago, I struggled to work through the issues in my life that seemed to be the product of the triangulation of my upbringing, my personality leanings, and my pattern of thought and action. Fraud guilt was one of the issues back then, a phrase I learned from the pop psychology books I was reading in an attempt to improve myself. It took a while, a few years, and it took working on many issues that truly challenged me to the core--not just the ones that I started out willing to work on.

It was a hard time, hard but very fruitful. During that time, I learned a lot about the process of personal growth, the mileposts of that cycle of experiences, and the nature of my soul. I learned in that time that I'm not who I thought I was. I am the one who observes me going through my day. I'm the one who notices that waves of emotions or thoughts are roiling through me. I'm the one that I join in that quiet meditative place. I have a mind, emotions, and a body, but I am not any of those things. I learned from my experience that I'm more than the physical space I take up, more than the thoughts I have, more than my feelings, more than my actions--even though these things can be vessels of my essence when I am in integrity and honesty with myself.

Once I realized the illusion of daily living, after spending some time attempting to setup a base camp outside of ordinary daily living, I've returned to my life with a zest and vigor that I would not have understood before. It's a balance now to keep both of my realities, both of my lives, mindfully present with me throughout each day. It's very easy in some ways, and always challenging in other ways.

It was this awareness of reality that set me free from so many of the things that I believe trapped me, fraud guilt being one of them. So to see this on the edge of my feelings again is a curious thing. It's something that I must admit to myself, confess to my own soul. I sometimes still feel inadequate for coping with daily living, and I'm feeling a bit of that RIGHT NOW.

Of course, when I stand back and look at the larger picture, I see right away that this small sliver of doubt can't compare to the abundance of evidence of my ability to negotiate daily living. I run my own business, and I've supported myself for more than 10 years this way. I purchased a home that I really enjoy. I do my best to navigate my way through the challenges of living without a huge support system, but with the steady support of wonderful friends. There are people who know and love me. I know that I contribute meaningfully to the lives of others. I'm driven by an image to contribute to the world at large, to release my essence a drop at a time on the surface of the collective unconscious, and to leave those in my wake with a greater sense of who they are and a greater sense of freedom to pursue their own hearts desires.

But as I write these words, tears are running down my cheeks and with a sigh, I release a bit of the sadness that has collected in my heart. Perhaps tonight the dream fairies will gift me with an extraordinary glimpse into how my life looks to those spirits who stand together with me, my guides, teachers, and even my guardian angels. Or better yet, perhaps tonight I'll get out of the way of my own heart as it shows me again the divine being I truly am. It seems that I could use a dose of remembering.