Why Would Someone Do That?
I'm sitting here at the computer doing something mindless while my mind and heart are quite busy working through an issue. And it occurs to me that maybe writing about it will help me process it. Duh.
I have a friend, someone I really enjoy and appreciate, and someone who doesn't quite feel the same way about me. I believe this because this person always lets a long time go between our get togethers. Yes, she is busy, and yes, she runs her life according to a set of priorities that facilitate her goals, but I don't sense that she excludes everyone like she does me. I also feel this way because several months ago I told her that I would really enjoy it if we got together on a more regular schedule, like meeting for dinner every other week or so. She didn't come out and say no, but she never got back to me to set it up.
At the time, my feelings were hurt slightly for a short time, but I really got over it quickly. We have a nice connection, but perhaps it couldn't withstand that much contact. I'm not afraid of that, in fact, I would welcome fast tracking the relationship, or any relationship for that matter, to see how it holds up and what it has to offer. I suspect that most of the people who cross my path are the temporary kind of friend, people who match me because at the moment we are in synch because of harmonious life lessons we are working through. But that we have little long term potential. I've learned to accept these small gifts of friendship for what they are, and to not expect more of them. Well, perhaps I'm still learning that part of it.
About a week ago, I received a nice note from this person suggesting that we get together this week for dinner. As I read it, I knew that it wouldn't happen. In fact, I barely read the note, I just skimmed it, because something about it didn't engage with me. That is why I believed it wouldn't happen. Almost like I could feel it wasn't part of my future. And tonight, half way through the week were supposed to get together, I get a follow up email listing several reasons why she can't get together, and very nicely asking my indulgence on this. With an apologetic tone. I was sitting here when it came in, and I immediately, almost without thinking, sent a reply that no apology was needed, and something that I trust that we will get together when the timing is good. I sent the note and resumed my mindless working.
That is, until I realized that I was chewing on that relationship and the email conversation. I find myself nearly on the edge of tears, and asking myself why a person would apologize for a thing like this. I feel like her offer to get together must be coming from some sort of sense of obligation, not out of a real desire to get together. There is a small ache of realization that this person isn't the friend I had hoped she would be, small because I didn't have big expectations, and because I really do a decent job of not trying to push things. Well, don't ask Paul if he agrees with that statement... but maybe he has seen me at my worst. Maybe the most honest thing I can say is that I strive to be a person who accepts what other people offer without expecting any more, without being disappointed with what they can do, and without feeling either hurt or angry when the connection breaks or fails to materialize along its own projection.
At one point, I knew that the loss is truly hers. I don't mean that in an arrogant way... just confirming that I'm not missing anything that doesn't naturally arrive at my feet from the waves that the universe continually delivers to me. And then, my heart sits on the edge of tears, and I feel my chakra wide open and feeling fully -- but like a young bird, I'm looking down while trying to fly, which is always the surest way to fall down.
I have been going through a time where the clutter of social engagements and people is absent from my life. It's easy when it is missing to regard it more highly than I do when it is present. It's not as fulfilling as I might remember it right now. There is something very nice about having a lot of people around, but when things are tough, when I really need a friend to lend a hand, many of the people taking up space are conveniently missing in action. And while I try to understand that with the same wisdom, I also feel a bit of a pang, a longing for a human connection that truly can withstand the trials of living. Like every other human heart, I'm looking for a true love. But I know, as surely as I'm sitting here, that even when that arrives in my life, as I believe that it will, it will have a beginning and an end. People die even if they always choose to stay, even if things are always good. In life, we are always truly alone, even though we have times of sharing, sometimes great levels of sharing. In the end, the start of life and the end of life are solitary journeys. So walking a solitary path for a while today isn't all that odd or unexpected.
I'm not angry with this person. I might be a little disappointed, but I'll work that through. And when she does show up and want to get together, I will enjoy the time we spend, and enjoy the process of bouncing ideas off each other.
Ah, I'm getting it now. I just understood my relationship needs in a new way. This is the person I want to be in all of my relationships: I don't want to be a person who uses my relationships to practice my own position, or to solidify my own beliefs. I have nothing to argue, and no points to make. Instead, I want to be a person who takes advantage of relationships as a place where I can listen to things I would never had thought of on my own, and through the sharing of ideas and feelings, reach places of thought and emotion that I would never have chosen alone. I want my relationships to bring a richness to my inner life, much like spices change the character of meals I fix. I want to always be open to trying new ideas, and to focus on listening more than talking. I want to hear the humanity pouring through the words people speak at me. I want to explore the wider range of human experience than my solitary life allows. I want to be inside that vortex of energy and observe what I can see floating about on the ocean, things that arrive at my own feet as well as things that I can see on their way to other people.
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