Glimpse In A Mirror

I Got Dumped On

This afternoon, I had some computer problems. A program that I use all of the time failed, and I had to uninstall and reinstall it. Only the install didn't work because it said that I was missing a Windows 2000 file. No problem. I got out the Win2000 CD and then realized that unlike earlier versions of Windows, I had a Dell Windows 2000 CD, and not just a generic Windows 2000 CD. And it didn't contain the file I needed, at least I couldn't find it.

So, I went first to the software manufacturer's site, looking through their knowledge base, but couldn't learn any more than I already knew. I tried the Microsoft knowledge base, hoping to find the file there to download, but it seems that they thought I should be able to get it from my Windows 2000 CD, which I can't. Then, I did a couple of searches on the Internet, hoping to find the file somewhere to download. No luck,

At this point, I decided to call a family member who knows about such things. I explained what was going on, what I was trying to do, and asked two questions: where can I download the missing file, and when I have it, where on my computer does it go? We talked for a couple of minutes, and then, seemingly out of the blue, I heard screaming starting on the other end, saying bad things to me. About how I am always dumping my problems there (I never talk about my personal life with this person, and the last time I asked a computer question was more than a year ago.), and how rude I am, and on and on. I held the phone out from my face and just stared in disbelief at the receiver and the sounds coming from it. I knew this outburst had nothing to do with me. I was quiet while he went on, and decided that I would say something soft when he finished. Something like "I'm sorry that my call has upset you" and I would find somewhere else to get my answers. Only he screamed and hung up on me.

It took me a couple minutes to regroup and decide what to do next. I decided that I knew a programmer who wouldn't mind me calling too much, and so I called him. He send me the missing file, told me where to put it, and after rebooting, everything was fine. I made plans to meet him for lunch on Wednesday to get caught up, but I'm going to pay for lunch to thank him for helping me.

And then I decided I would call my mom and tell her what happened. But when I heard her voice on the phone, I suddenly gulped and started sobbing. I didn't realize I was that hurt by what had happened. I was going to mention that he had screamed at me, but I didn't realize I was going to cry during the telling of the story. My mom said something like "welcome to the club" because he usually screams at everyone, it was just news to me.

So, here I sit, and I cried while I wrote this. I made up my mind that I won't ever call him again to ask a question, that is for sure. But beyond that, I'm not nursing any sort of grudge against him. In fact, I sent him an email before I started this entry, certainly not apologizing for my call, but simply saying that I didn't realize my call and my question would be so upsetting. But things between us are awkward now. I hope that my email will smooth things a bit, at least he knows I'm not going to scream back at him. Maybe he wants that, maybe he wants me to scream at him. But I'm not going there. I'm not going to tell him that I'm hurt, or anything beyond what I said in the email. But I sure wish I hadn't made that phone call today.

It really underscores the whole isolation issues I have in my life. I really do my best to be self contained, to keep to myself, to keep my issues and conflicts to myself. I don't ask for help very often, probably not as often as I should for my own sake. And here, after I had explored my options, believing I could solve my own problem today, I realized I needed help and I asked for it, only to be screamed at. Thank God that Ted was available and didn't mind answering my question and helping me out.

I spend a good amount of time responding to emails I get from people who visit my blogs and websites. I always answer their questions the best I can, and I feel that is part of why I'm here, to give back, to give suggestions to people who have questions. To plant seeds. I really strive to be that kind of person, someone who believes the best of others, someone who respects where others are in their journey, and someone who offers kindness to strangers along the way. I'm shocked and hurt to be a dumping place for someone's frustrations. If he had only said "hey, this isn't a good time" or "can I call you back next week about this" I would not have complained or tried to keep him on the phone. I would have figured out a plan C, like I did after I got screamed at.

I've been away from the computer for an hour, and I've figured out what is really bothering me -- I feel orphaned. I count on my sister and brother to be there with me when I need them. And I was let down today. It's ok, no one else can always be available when I need them. The timing was bad. But I still feel orphaned.