Glimpse In A Mirror

Engagement Announcement Has Me Upset

I got an interesting email yesterday that really confused me. I'm still not sure I have the story correct, but it seems that the two business partners of a service that I use, people that I know, are engaged and getting married immediatly. I think they have a great partnership, but something about this idea of them marrying is really upsetting to me. It just doesn't sit well with me, it seems wrong somehow. I don't really care what they do with their lives, and I mean that in the best way. Whatever they want to do is fine with me.

It's hard for me to really say what is bothering me about the situation. I have known these people for more than 5 years, and I know that they are commited to each other through their business. They co-habitate, they live and work together, and they have a deep love and respect for each other. I don't question any of that. But love, marriage... I have never seen even a hint of that in them. One of them is about 20 years older than the other, which may be why I didn't expect something like this to happen. They are deeply involved in a religious practice, and they will have a celibate marriage because of their religion. I don't know that very much will change in their daily living because of this decision.

I guess I'm shocked and a bit disappointed that neither one of them has ever seemed to be in love with the other. Maybe they are lucky to have bypassed that stage of a relationship, because what they do have is real and solid. I just can't accept her decision to marry him, I guess because what I want from marriage is so different. If it was me, I would think that I was settling. But then, what do I know about their real relationship?

What this has brought up for me is a whole bundle of things about my own ideas of marriage, and what I'm looking for. I want more than what I see they have, and I admit right here, I don't really know what they have. I want to be in love with a man I want to marry, not just accept marriage as the logical next step, which is what I was willing to do with John. I want the kind of partnership and communication and negotiation that allows us to create a life together that is more than either of us has alone, and where we both have what we want in our lives. I want something so magical and special, something that is full of passion and intelligence.

Maybe part of my reaction has to do with the fact that I don't want a celibate marriage. Maybe for what they are planning for their futures, they have something wonderful. I can't quite get my mind wrapped around this one.

But I did dream about it last night. I was in a circle of people, none of whom I recognize now, but at the time, they were familiar people. We were encouraged to talk about something that was important to us, something that was on our minds. I brought this up. One person in the group knew the people I was talking about, and that person immediately started defending their decision to marry. I threw in the towel. I wasn't challenging their decision, only talking about why their decision is causing such a strong and negative reaction within me. I knew then that I couldn't talk about it with people.

I'm not satisfied with this entry yet, because I still feel confused and upset about this. I want to figure out why I'm so upset by this news.