Glimpse In A Mirror

Separating Wheat and Chaff

Recently, I broke my silence on about my online diet journal with someone whom I thought was a friend. When I told her about it, she sounded enthusiastic and encouraged me. And when she was first looking at the pages in my presence, she was still supportive. But after a few minutes of looking, we resumed talking. And during a lull in the conversation, I felt the most intense disgust coming from her, and I knew it was because of my before picture. When she first saw it, she thought I was brave, but when she had a few minutes to think, her own repulsion towards her own imperfect body was projected right out at me. And I wanted to cry.

I didn't say anything to her at the time, but in my heart, I knew I had misread her as a friend. Maybe she wants to be a friend. Maybe she thinks she is a friend. But from where I sit, she is too wrapped up in her own stuff to be able to be a friend to me. Maybe she can be friends with people who fit her ideals, people who aren't flawed and real, as I am. People whom she can adore and admire, maybe she can be their friends. But whatever the reason, she isn't my friend.

What Makes A Friend?

I didn't write about this when it happened, but this person just called me, bringing it all back to me. And the timing is interesting, because I've been thinking about my manic friend again, and wondering what makes a friendship. I've always believed that it is two things, a heart connection and availability. A person I click with, but who doesn't have any time for me, can't be a good friend. They can be a good friend in quality, but not in daily living. I've certainly got quite a few of those. I don't really know what I think about that. I don't mind letting people have all of the space they want, even if I want a different amount of space. When we do get together, the connection is good, and we both have a great time. I suppose that is one sort of friend.

My manic friend is unique because he comes and goes in my life. In fact, he is going more than coming in my life. Even when he is around, I do most of the contacting, not exclusively, but a lot of it. And then he disappears, for weeks and months at a time. The first time this happened, I thought it was because he was dating someong, and he either didn't know how to keep both things going and chose her over me, or I wondered if he thought I would be jealous. When we got reconnected, I made a point to explain that I wasn't jealous, and I was truly happy for him. I think that point is established between us. So now that he has disappeared again without resurfacing when I call, I'm left to wonder what is going on, and what do I think of this kind of a friendship.

I'm left to think that in the final analysis, he either isn't capable of maintaining a close friendship with me, or that he isn't interested in maintaining a close friendship with me. Either way, I'm left to decide what I want in view of his manic tendencies. In some ways, it breaks my heart because I really value this friendship. I'm teary as I write this. I feel some rejection and with that, some sadness. I'd be crazy to think that this pattern isn't going to be the way our whole friendship runs -- unless something drastic happens to him, it will be more of this on and off mode switches forever, and I don't count on drastic changes.

In my heart, I know I must let go of him and this friendship like so many others before. I've tried to fight for it, without success, and now I must accept this as the reality. I will miss you, manic friend. But I can't leave this space in my heart open for someone who can't be depended upon. I wish you well, I hope you find everything your heart desires. Goodbye.

Looking Forward

So, what do I want? I want a life full of friends, good people whose hearts connect with mine. People who share their life and heart with me, and share my life and heart. I welcome everyone who wants to be a friend into my life.