Glimpse In A Mirror

i heart ny

Over the last year, I've become a huge fan of "Sex and the City." I have never been to New York, and I don't have a circle of close friends like these women, but something about their stories really touches me. I think it is the honest searching for true love. The last few episodes have really gotten to me, and tonight, during "i heart ny" I found myself bawling. Sobbing out loud. I can't believe how much it got to me. I relate the most to Carrie's character, but there are parts of the others that ring true in my life as well. Charlotte's idealism. Miranda's need to control. Samantha's distance. I'm somewhere in that mix.

I know that it is a good thing that a TV show or movie can make me cry. It means that my heart is open and I'm feeling my own life. In fact, watching something that touches my heart sometimes lets me know about background issues in my life, things I didn't realize were bothering me until they come rushing to the surface.

The Other Side Of The Fence

What's clear in this episode is something that I've known in my own life for some time. The grass always looks different on the other side of the fence. The tradeoffs we make in life are just trading one set of issues for another, none of them is truly better than the others. Being alone, it is easy to romanticize being coupled, and being coupled, it is easy to fantasize about being free to make independent choices. I wonder if it is possible to find some sort of middle ground. Is it possible to couple in a way that independence isn't crushed? I hope I can find such a thing, create such a thing for myself.

I know what I'm like in a relationship. I know what I want, and I really want someone to share a huge hunk of my life with. I don't want someone who I only see most evenings and weekends. I want a partner in work and in life. I want a great deal. But I want a partnership that is bigger than just having a roommate. I want someone who will work with me to create a wonderful life, a life that fills every moment, not just the time left over after work. In my life, work is a primary focus, and I've blurred the lines between private and work, so it is logical that this is what I would want.

Old Friends

I don't think Aidan will be back in Carrie's life, he seems to fragile to take more interaction with her. The door has been left open for Big... he may show up again in her life. They do have staying power, they have maintained a connection through all of what has happened. The way they stay connected reminds me of people in my life. I learned long ago that when old friends are arguing, they are likely to patch things up, and if I take sides, I will definitely be out, and even if I don't, I will probably be out. At least that is how it has worked out in my experience. I look at some of the people who have stuck in my life, and I think most people who knew us back when would be surprised that we are still in touch.

Longing For Connection

I'm feeling a wave of sadness as I write this, feeling that longing for true love in my heart. I've learned how to shift that feeling to something more comfortable, and more hopeful. The longing is the proof that I'm feeling isolated in my life, when in truth, I am not isolated. I don't have the people around me that I've had in the past, I don't even has the quality of friends that I've had in the past. But that can change in a moment. I used to spend time trying to convert these very human feelings of longing into something more spiritual -- and while that may be a noble gesture, it doesn't work. The appearance of the longing means that I'm not allowing myself to feel connected in this moment, even though the entire universe is really connected to me at every moment.

I have been wondering lately why so many of my friends have this strange Scorpio thing going on, their distance issues, their secrecy. Am I just a Scorpio magnet? I understand this behavior when I see it, and I know not to push people. I don't think I would push even if people were not so secretive, at least that is what I think about myself. There are people who would say that I'm aggressive, and probably pushy. I have an intensity that can be seen in that way, but only when I'm establishing some sort of intimacy. I think another equally valid way to look at the same actions is to say that I am fearless when I approach intimacy.

I don't know where this conversation ends.