Vulnerable and Willing

Here I am, hot tears again, and feeling the need to let it out through my words.

I don't know if my feelings are right, but I'm feeling not liked by a group of people I've embraced. It might be right. I am no stranger to people not taking to me. I'm trying to stay calm and figure out what is really happening here.

First, I'm feeling a bit vulnerable lately. I've been acting out a lot of new behaviors and having great results. But even so, the result is that I'm feeling a bit out on a limb with all of the newness. And there is my revelation yesterday, and I'm not going to recover that ground now.

Second, these people are all busy with their own lives. The small actions/inactions that I'm taking as slights are small things, and from people who are busy. Their actions are much more about them than about me. I know that in my head, of course.

Third, I haven't really learned how to be warm and cozy with people, so some of what is going on could really be feedback to me about how I'm coming off. I'm intense and impulsive, not the best combination, I know. I have been guilty of trying too hard in the past. Maybe I am just hearing that message again, and need to make some smallish adjustments.

But the largest thing in all of this is that I just want to be loved and appreciated. I really don't care who loves me or appreciates me. I mean that in the right way. I don't have any hoped pinned on any one of these people. I don't care if any one of them likes me or doesn't like me. I just want to find the ones who do like me. And this ties back beautifully to the first point... my vulnerability.

My gawd, this feels like high school where I was always trying to figure out how to be less intense and be just enough to pull in people. Some things never seem to change in my life. I wonder about that. I wonder if that is because I realized early who I am, or if this is an entire pattern of behavior that should just be released.

OK, here's what I'm going to do.

First, I'm going to just feel all of this emotion running through me. Of course I'm feeling vulnerable. Of course I want to be loved and appreciated. Nothing wrong with feeling all of this.

Second, I'm not feeling people warm up to me, so I'm going to take this as feedback. I have no way right now to know on a case by case basis if this is because it's a wrong match for me, or if I'm just too intense. Either way, the feedback seems to be that my energy in these directions is misplaced for right now. I need to be quiet and watch what happens. I may get a chance to ask some of them directly, but I'm not counting on that. I will be direct if I get the opportunity.

Third, the real heart of this issue is inside of me. I know that as long as I am feeling unloved and unappreciated, that is the kind of energy that is going to come right back to me. I need some time and space to process this by myself. More than anything else right now, I want to learn how to balance my energy in a stronger way. I want to learn how to feel the love and appreciation of the universe for me, and my own love and appreciation for myself. This is the antidote to what I'm feeling.

Oh Great Spirit, I see the road opening up before me, and I willingly commit to walking this road. I take this first step in faith, and I face the unknown, the mystery that will be revealed to me as I travel this land. I intend to explore this territory and learn what I can, and to apply myself to mastering the gate that will give me access to the next challenge before me in life. I offer my vulnerable heartscape, and the fallow ground it still contains, to hold the beauty of the world and of myself that I will encounter here. It is so.