Glimpse In A Mirror

Faith Test

I'm in the middle of a huge personal project -- regaining a healthy lifestyle and in the process, losing something like 125 pounds. I'm somewhere between 40 and 45 right now, and for the last two weeks, I've gained instead of losing. It just tells me that some more adjustments are necessary. But it also tells me that my mind needs some adjusting, a booster shot of faith -- to believe that my goal is real, to believe that I can do this, and to believe that I am doing this.

I'm slightly disappointed with the pace of my weight loss the last two months. I've only lost about 12 pounds in 8 weeks, which is below the safe level, but still is in the right direction. I do get bursts of impatience, so I'm working on being patient at the same time. That kind of impatient feeling only adds resistance and friction to the process, not a healthy contribution.

But the biggest challenge to my faith has been the reaction of some of my friends. I have a very good friend who is technically in plus sized clothes, but at the very bottom of the scale. A few weeks ago, I mentioned that I had set a goal size for the end of the year, and I felt every bit of her bristle when I said that. She doesn't believe she can reach that size in her own life, and as a result, my goal caused her discomfort. I felt that discomfort, and every bit of her negative belief. She explained WHY that weight is too thin for her, totally justifying her current weight. I don't say that with any sort of opinion about her weight, only the observation that her weight exactly matches her beliefs about weight.

I realized that this friend is not going to be able to be supportive of me as I reach her weight and go beyond it. There is some sadness with that realization. It's not that I think we won't be friends, but that I will stop talking about my weight loss details, daily triumphs and challenges, with her. I don't think she can take it, or maybe I should say, I don't think she will relate to me on those topics.

But the worst part was that for a few days, I wondered if my goal was too extreme, and I totally slid into a wave of doubt that I can reach and maintain myself at my goal weight. I may not know the number that will be on the scale, but I do know that it will be thin, regular weight, not anorexic looking. Flesh on my bones, but small. Smaller than I have ever been in my life! (OK, technically I had to pass through that stage as I was growing up, but definitely not during my adult life!)

So, do I believe that I can set a goal to be a normal weight after a lifetime of being overweight, and really reach that goal, and then maintain that weight for the rest of my life? YYYYEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I do have moments of doubt, fear and other unpleasant things that come from years and years of not being at my goal, being frustrated, and justifying my decisions to myself. That's a lot of crap to shovel out! So I'm not surprised that I found this patch of disbelief inside me. But I do believe that I am in the process of doing this. Just because I haven't done it before doesn't mean it can't be done. Just because most people who set out to lose weight don't lose it, doesn't mean that I can't be one of the successful ones!

There are two battlegrounds... my daily living choices, and inside my head. I've made a promise to myself to be diligent in both areas. And I will continue! I'm going to do this, and prove to myself how a person can totally change his or her life.