Sobbing
I've found myself sobbing twice today. The first time, I was talking to Mom on the phone when Mark called in. He is telling me now that not only do I have to work onsite all of next week, but I am gong to be off the project in about three weeks. This is because he is spending the budget on a developer. Now he is a developer, but he isn't very good, so he is hiring someone to do the work. I guess he will just be doing "project management" for 40+ hours a week then with his new job. Sounds like a cushy job to me. So to cover himself, he is cutting me out. So I said, to clarify, that he didn't want me to write the user manual, or the user's reference guide, or update the website pages. When he realized that he hadn't thought of those things, he said that he would roll me off right away to save the hours for those tasks later.
My heart sank. Last week, after working out the project plan, I realized that I was going to be busy through June, and with that realization, a weight was lifted. It felt good to know where my income was coming from for that long. So with today's call, he burst my balloon a bit. I cried in part because of that.
Birthday Blues
The other reason is my birthday. I realized last week that I don't have any friends around to go to dinner with, since I've ousted Jeff, Myrna is in Nebraska, and everyone else seems to have evaporated since the first of the year. My life felt a bit lonely when I realized that there wasn't even anyone in Arizona who even will remember that it is my birthday. I don't mind living so much alone, I like my own company. And through the writing I do online, I know that my life touches other people, and that I contribute to the wellbeing of the planet. It's not even a big deal birthday, you know, not a decade or a halfway point. 43 is no big deal. I just wish there were people who knew me more, people who were more involved in my life. It feels a bit lonely right now.
So, with the financial uncertainty and the loneliness, I find my self sobbing for the third time tonight.
Magical Living
My life is magical, I know that. In fact, tonight someone called to see if I was interested in a 2-year project in Las Vegas. I'm not, but it seems like it never fails -- when one project slips away, another one shows up on my doorstep. It never fails. I know that this situation with the money will work itself out. I know that I will create the income I want this year, even if I can't see where it will come from today. It's only February. It will come.
And there are good people in my life. Mom reminded me that Dave and Stacey will be here one week after my BD, and I can celebrate with them. I'm not hung up on the exact day. It will be fun when they get here.
Schedule Issues With Dave's Visit
Which reminds me of the other monkey wrench today. Bob is going to have another manual for me to start working on next Wednesday, and now that I'm going to be onsite for Mark, I won't be available more than a couple hours a day. I will only give Bob until Monday of the following week. I won't let it interfere with my brother's trip here. Although if I have to, they can rent a car and go to Nogales on their own.
I don't usually sob like this. I feel better getting this out. I'm sure everything is going to be fine, and I'm going to pick myself up, dust myself off, and resume my faith-full living. Everything is going to be all right.
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