Glimpse In A Mirror

My Birthday

It's my birthday. I'm still a bit disappointed that I have to get into someone's office today. I like to take the day off, there are some rituals I do this day. I can do most of them tonight when I get home. The rest, well, I can do them over the weekend perhaps, if I still want to. It's ok.

I pushed last night to get the cornice boards finished so I could wake up this morning to a finished project. I thought it was important to finish it in the last year, instead of bringing something unfinished into thisyear. There are still plenty of unfinished projects to do this year!

I got so sad last night, and I didn't let myself cry because I asked myself first, "what is really wrong" and second, I knew I was very tired and that things would look different today. I've just done some work for a client and exchanged a few emails, and I'm in tears at my desk.

So, what is really wrong?

There is a heaviness in my heart. Could it be that I'm doing too much work these days? Could it be that I'm feeling very stressed by the main project? Could it be that my dear Skooch found a way out of a window yesterday and was out of the house when I came home, bringing up my conflict about keeping an indoor cat, along with memories of losing my Rattle last summer?

I started my morning with stretches, yoga and a meditation. I should be feeling invincible. Why am I on the edge of sobbing?

I have about 10 minutes before I have to shower and leave for their office. Skooch has been at the window, and now is curled up on the chair in the bathroom. I'm on my first glass of water for the day, but I've had my Balance bar. I did all of my yoga, and my full meditation. I've been productive, and sent more documents to Atlanta. It's my birthday and I'm feeling sad on the edges.

I'm sad because no one knows it is my birthday. My family does, and I'm grateful for the box my mom sent. She sent me some very nice things, some of them very practical. I know she put some time and energy into it. But it doesn't feel personal. It doesn't feel like the gifts are about me. I'm feeling very unknown by the world lately. I'm sure this is caused in part by the recent departure of nearly all of my friends. It's been a rough cycle of that. People all left for different reasons, some of them I know, others I don't.

I am feeling isolated, cut off, and unappreciated. I know this is crazy. I know that there are people who are impacted by my life every day, especially through my website. I know I'm making a positive difference in the world, and in people's lives. I know that I'm contributing to empowering people around the world. THAT is an awesome feeling, humbling and empowering at the same time.

I think part of this feeling is caused by me being forced out of my cocoon, my little living space that I love so much. I'm being forced into the world in a different way that I would choose. I'm sure there are blessings associated with this. Every time I get pushed out, something really nice comes from it, so I'm sure this time is the same. I've met wonderful people, learned very valuable business information, and overall gained experiences that were helpful to me later. I'm not looking forward to that dark little building, but I can survive it for a while.