Raw and Vulnerable

My buttons have been pushed. I'm aware that I'm raw and vulenrable just below the surface.

Yesterday while reaching my Twitter article, I visited the account of a woman I had hoped would become a friend several years ago. I noticed her friendly outgoing way with the people in her community. I felt jealous. I felt unloved. I felt that I was somehow less than those people.

It didn't matter that my brain could explain a lot of things to me. That this woman is broken in ways that I can see, that she's really not the right kind of person for me. All I could feel was the pain of the rejection of a friendship that I thought I wanted.

What is that about?

I feel that way frequently. There are several people that are in my orbit where I can feel that sort of outsider pang of loneliness. I reached out to another one of them a few months back and when I suggested getting together, she immediately shut me down. That pain is the same as this one.

What is this about?

I know that I'm hungry for friendship. I know that I'm going through a phase where I'm feeling a little lost and forgotten by the world. My best energy work, my best efforts to manage myself and keep myself on track can't prevent me from admitting that I feel this way.

And I wonder. Am I really not a right fit for so many people around me? Or is there another reason why I am going through this. Is there something really off about me?

I understand that I live in a world of cause and effect, that my energy pings around and bounces around ineffective until I learn how to master it. What does this feeling, these women, have to teach me about myself? Can I find the real value of this experience so I can heal and move forward?

When I think about Squamish, I realize that I'm doing it again. I'm failing to show up in a big way in my own life. I'm in fear about that event. And the crazy, insane crazy thing is that I've already paid for it. I've already taken the hit. You would think that I'd relax and be excited about it.

What can this event teach me about myself?

After listing to Brene Brown, I'm so much more prepared to allow myself to be vulnerable. To feel this and allow myself to have this experience. And how do I balance these feelings with what I know--that I must manage my energy and stay focused on the good, on what's right in my life, if I want to really become who I want to be and live the life I feel is waiting for me!

I'm willing to do this work.

I've already started it, but I'm jumping in with both feet right now.