"You Need to Deal With This"

I woke up this morning and the first thought on my mind was: You need to deal with this. I had dreamt about my situation with TW and the situation is what I need to deal with. I know this. I just don't know what to do.

In the middle of the night, I went for a long drive to think about some things. I asked that the wind blowing through the truck would wash away the clouds and confusion so I could see things clearly. It was an insightful drive. One of the things I pondered was my situation with TW. I have no idea how to fix what is broken inside me to really resolve the whole thing. The only thing I know to do is to deal with symptoms in the meantime. I can do that. I can remember what I want my behavior to look like and remind myself to follow that. But my heart and mind are a different matter. I find myself wanting to be pulled into that world, wishing it we already so. It's like an addiction. The only thing I know to do is to stay in my center and be calm when I feel its pull on me. I can't stop wanting that, but I can stop acting on it.

Other things that came up tonight were quite interesting. I'm considering submitting a proposal to speak at a conference next spring. I've never considered doing that before. It suddenly gave new importance to a couple of the activities on my schedule at the end of October. They could almost be seen as practice events.

I changed my avatar on several social media websites tonight.

I am feeling a bit of pressure about current events because I'm starting to think that they are critical for the future. They may be important, but nothing is critical and there is no reason to feel any pressure. I do appreciate realizing that the time now is important. But I don't need to worry that I might mess up things or that I could blow the future. Yes, there could be consequences for decisions I make now, but if not that future, another comparable future. I need to really chill with this.